Page 2 of Shattered Dreams

“Are you mad at me, Stella?” I ask, my voice shaking.

It’s my one true fear—that someone will be mad at me. Gage learned that quickly and always told me if he was mad or simply frustrated. If he was mad, we worked it out. I hate the uncertainty of wondering if someone will forgive me or if I’ll lose them over something I said or did.

“No, I’m not mad. I hurt for you because you thought you were doing the right thing and you messed up.” She sits on my bed and grips my hand. We’re like that, you know. Close. “Either use the time and do some of the things you said you wanted to do, or go find him right now and admit you made a mistake. Those are your two options. He loves you, and you hurt him. He’s not going to get over that in just a couple of hours. You broke his trust, and you know as well as I do, once trust is broken, it’s a bitch to fix.”

“I know. Jerricka said I did the right thing.” I show her the text, my tears smeared on the screen.

“Zarah—” She stops and sighs. “I know you like her and value her opinion, and maybe she even had a point, maybe you and Gagedidjump into things. Maybe had you met at a different time in your life things would have been easier, but no one can control love. Maybe meeting him was Fate, or destiny, or maybeMax was smiling down on you hoping you and his brother would fall in love. Whatever it was, whatever brought you two together, you can’t fight it. I love Zane with all my heart, and with all the things that happened, I could have easily let them tear us apart. I didn’t because my love for him, and his love for me, meant more than anything else. When you broke up with Gage because Jerricka said it was a good idea, you told him you value her opinion over his love. That had to hurt.”

She’s right, but Jerricka, in a way, was also right, or I wouldn’t have listened to her in the first place. It wasn’t that Gage and I were moving too fast like everyone accused us of. It was that I was scared of my own feelings and breaking up with him was my way of trying to control that fear. Jerricka may have thought that was a good thing, and if it had been anything else, it could have been, but breaking up with Gage didn’t do anything except change what I’m scared of.

Either way you look at it, I was scared to live without him, and now I am.

“Do you think he’d talk to me?”

“About what? Getting back together? You need to figure out what you want before you do that. If he takes you back and you have doubts and leave him again, he won’t take you back a second time. He’s not a dishrag, and you know it.”

“Yeah.” Gage might give me a second chance. I think he loves me enough he would, but if I blow it, that will be the end of us. I need to be sure when I talk to him that I want what he wants to give me. His love, a future. I need to be ready to accept it when he offers it. He won’t risk it again.

“Shower and get dressed, okay? You were the one who wanted to do this. No flaking out now.”

She slides off the bed and closes the door behind her.

Alone, I do the worst thing I could do.

I text him.Are you and Sierra together now?

The message marks as read and I wait, chewing on my lip. If he says yes, there’s nothing I can do, nothing more I can say. He’ll have moved on, and I’ll have thrown away the best thing that has ever happened to me.

No.

Air swooshes out of my lungs. God.

I’m honest.I don’t know what I want.

I count down the minute and thirty seconds while I wait for his response.I thought that was me. My mistake.

More tears drip onto my screen.I didn’t want to hold you back.

His message pops up, and my heart sinks. This isn’t the way I wanted the conversation to go.Now you won’t. Thanks for thinking about me.Three dots appear, and the message says,Be careful out there. And BTW, don’t text me again. I have nothing more to say to you.

I type,I’m sorry.

I don’t get a response this time. Not after five minutes, not after I shower, not after I get dressed and Stella and I are sitting in the back of the town car on our way to the city. Not after she finds the perfect cream sweater dress at Vera Wang, not after we grab an early dinner. Not after I fall into bed sick and heartbroken.

My trip to LA is in a few short days. Mel’s delighted to have me visit and she said she cleared her schedule so we can sightsee. The mild California temperatures will be welcome after all the snow we’ve had this year, and I’m so eager to get out of King’s Crossing the thought of flying doesn’t bother me anymore. I can’t wait to get out of here.

I’ll show Gage Davenport I don’t need him. He’ll regret cutting me off when I tried to...what? Make amends? Tried to be friends?

I wanted him to ask me for another chance, and he didn’t.

Rolling over, I try to force myself to sleep. I’ll do what Stella says. Visit Mel and enjoy the change of scenery, start renovations on the penthouse. When that’s done and a couple of months have gone by, maybe Gage will talk to me, or maybe he’ll be dating Sierra and he won’t care about me. Maybe I’ll meet someone, like everyone has told me to do, and I’ll be happy dating someone else. I mean, I broke up with Gage because that was supposed to be the plan. Date other people, make absolutely sure Gage is who I want. The only problem is, if, no,when, I find that to be true, he’s not going to be around.

My phone chimes, and I scramble for it under my pillow. Maybe it’s Gage wanting to talk.

It’s only Jerricka and my heart cracks.I didn’t hear from you. Are you okay? Have you taken your medication?

I did take one of the pills she prescribed me, and I did last night, too. I was afraid I would feel odd, confused, disjointed, but I don’t have any evidence they were the cause of my breakdown at Gage’s or the slips in my memory. More than likely, those incidents were only stress. Gage and I were in a new relationship and I was afraid I would do something he didn’t like and he’d leave me. Little did I know, I would do that all on my own.

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