Page 21 of Shattered Dreams

I finish with him pushing me into a corner, threatening to kill me. I don’t include the part where I encouraged it, begged for it. I’m ashamed I let myself drop so low. There’s nothing so terrible about my life that death is the only escape.

The cop hefts himself out of the chair and shoves his little notebook into a pocket of his uniform. “We’ll let you know if he gives us anything. Sounds like he was sent here to scare you, Miss Maddox. Be careful.”

“I will.”

He takes the elevator down to the twenty-fifth floor, and the four of us fall into an awkward silence.

“I’m sorry I interrupted your night,” I whisper, staring at my lap and picking at my silk pajama bottoms.

Zane scowls. “I don’t care about that. I care that bastard was planning this. He knew you were going to be alone and used the first opportunity he found. I’m going to question the hell out of our security team downstairs and find out how that asshole managed to get up here.”

“You think he was watching me?” I ask, surprised.

“How else did he know you were going to be in the city? How else do you think he knew you were going to be alone? He’s probably been watching you for days, maybe weeks, keeping tabs on social media.” Zane glares at Gage. “He knew you weren’t going to be around,Truth or Darespreading it all over you picked up that woman tonight.”

Sparks shoot out of Gage’s eyes, and he opens his mouth to retort, but I step in first.

Staggering to my feet, I say, “Stop it, just stop it. No one’s to blame for this stupid mess except me. I shouldn’t have come down. I shouldn’t have been here at all. I should have stayed at the house, locked in my room. I’m not good for anything but staying out of sight and keeping my mouth shut.”

“Zarah—”

“No, it’s true. My mind is broken and I’m never going to get better. I just want to leave and stay out of everybody’s way.”

Their looks of sympathy are too much, and I run up the stairs to my bedroom. I can’t face them any longer. I crawl into bed and pull the comforter over my head. I try to listen for more yelling, but I don’t hear anything. Either they’re furiously whispering at each other or they left. I hope they’re gone. I can’t handle anymore talking, anymore blame.

I should have known better than to think Zane and Gage would leave me alone or that Stella would let me spend the night by myself after what happened.

“Hey, can we talk?” Gage pushes the door open and steps into my room. Baby follows close behind and settles on the carpet under my window. I peer at him over the edge of the comforter. He took his jacket off and he’s wearing one of the soft flannel shirts I love to rub my cheek against. His jeans rustle as he crosses to my bed, but he stops at the side of the mattress. He won’t sit if I don’t say it’s okay.

“Do I have a choice?” I ask bitterly.

He sighs. “Yeah, you do. If you don’t want to talk, I’ll go. Zane posted security by the elevator downstairs. No one is coming up, and if I leave, they won’t let me come back. So think carefully before you answer.”

“Why did he go?”

“Because he knew you didn’t want him here. He and Stella went back to the Crowne. He didn’t want to, but Zarah, everyone is trying to do what they think you want. We want you happy, and you’re making it damned hard.”

“You don’t understand.”

“I want to, baby, but you need to talk to me. You keep shutting me out, and when that happens, all I can do is walk away.”

I scoot over a little, and he sits next to me. Wrapping my arms around his leg, I rest my head on his knee.

“Can I touch you?”

I sniffle. “Yeah.”

He smooths my hair away from my face and my heart leaps. “I love you, Zarah. That hasn’t changed. I saw that fucker on you, and I snapped. I have never wanted to kill anyone as much as I wanted to break that guy’s neck. But my love doesn’t mean much if you won’t take it. If you won’t let me love you, what am I supposed to do?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” I sit up but don’t back away. Being near him is like a drug, but a good one. Maybe that’s part of my problem, too. I’ve been taught addiction is a bad thing, but sometimes it’s not bad if you’re addicted to something good. Like I’m addicted to Gage’s love. “I’m nothing, Gage. Besides Max and you and my brother and my dad, all the men in my life have only ever wanted to use me and hurt me to feel powerful. I’ve never been loved for who I am, and what am I? A rich, crazy girl who has no education, no plan, off the deep end. What is there to love?”

“It isn’t up to you to say what I love and what I don’t. You’re beautiful and compassionate, kind and generous. I see glimpses of who you are, who you’ll be, under what Ash did to you, and you don’t think that scares the living shit out of me? Zarah, you keep forgetting, one day you’re going to beat this. One day your doctor will finish weaning you off those pills, and you’re going to figure out who you’re meant to be. Do you really believe I don’t worry about that? That Zarah Maddox, princess of King’s Crossing, heiress to the Maddox billions, isn’t going to look at me and wonder why she was ever with me? That when you say you need to explore, I don’t think it’s better now than later, when I’ve fallen so hard I don’t know which way is up? Walk away now, if you have to, because I can still function, but God, a year from now, two, when you’re off that poison, how far gone will I be?”

I crawl into his lap, and he stiffens briefly before wrapping his arms around me. I sink into his embrace and breathe in his scent. “I thought you didn’t think that way anymore.”

“I’m always going to think it. Until the day you’re off those drugs and you can look me in the eyes and say you still love me, I will always be afraid it will happen. If Max wouldn’t have helped Zane and Stella, if he wouldn’t have left me his things and asked me to keep digging into what Ash did to you, we never would have met. That cuts deep, Zarah. To think we never would have met, knowing that our relationship is built on prostitution and arms deals, murder, and fraud. We met because of what the Blacks were doing. It’s in the back of my mind, always.”

Awkwardly, I rise to my knees and look into his face. My bedroom is dark, but the city lights brighten the room. His eyes are tired, and shadows lay under them. His beard has grown out a little more, and in his plaid shirt, he resembles more of a lumberjack than an off-duty PI. If anyone was to ask me why I fell in love, I wouldn’t be able to answer. The way he cares about me is evident in every touch, the way he loves me in every kiss.His love didn’t make me fall in love in return. It’s something deeper, an emotion that lives in every cell in my body. I can list a million reasons why I fell in love with Gage Davenport, but none of those reasons are truly why. I love him because I do, and it’s as simple as that. “It doesn’t matter how we met, it only matters that we did.”

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