Page 49 of Shattered Dreams

“You’re surprised?” I ask, sitting near her on the floor in front his bookcase, going through the things I didn’t pack the first time I was here.

“You always did have more of your father in you than I ever wanted to admit,” she says, laughing a little, placing the small figurine into a box between us.

“Why did you get married if you didn’t want him?” I’m surprised I never asked her this before, but if I were to speculate aloud, she’d say it’s because by the time I could talk I’d made mychoice clear and I never spoke to her more than necessary. She’d be right, as I have always preferred Pop over her, and I wasn’t shy letting either parent know it.

“I got swept up, and I never thought about the future. His eyes, the way he wore his shoulder holster.” She smiles fondly, staring at the floor. “Did you know we were at a jewelry store one afternoon whiling the time away. It was in a dingy building, and Linc said the owner was a friend of his. Some unfortunate man chose just that moment to rob the place, the poor dear. I didn’t have time to blink and Linc had that boy flat on his back and his gun sliding across the floor. That night we made love, wild, like nothing we’d ever done before. I was so turned on. I think that’s when you were conceived.” She blushes.

“You never told me that.”

“It’s nothing I’m proud of. Letting myself get carried away. He never would have been able to support us on what he made. He’d be barely in the black by the end of the month, and that’s not the way I wanted to live. I don’t regret we had you, but I wish... Well, none of that matters now. Your father is a good man, but kindness doesn’t pay the bills.”

“You know Rourke cheats on you, don’t you?” I ask, my heart burning. My mother divorced my father because he was broke and kind. If Zarah didn’t have her billions, would she turn me away for standing up for what I believed in while I struggled to make ends meet every month? I can’t imagine she’d do that.

Stella wouldn’t. Stella Maddox would choose kindness over anything, everything else. It’s why the Blacks are in prison right now. Because she chose to protect Zane and Zarah and the Maddox legacy, and she traded her own freedom to do it. Kindness isn’t a flaw, and it isn’t a weakness. Next to Zarah, Stella’s the strongest woman I know.

“I can’t keep a man as virile as Rourke satisfied. I know he sleeps with other women, and it used to hurt, but he married me.That counts for something. I wouldn’t expect you to understand. You’ve never approved of the way we do things.”

“No, I never did, and it’s why Max and I never spent any time together. He was always trying his damnedest to fit in with your upper-class standards, and I couldn’t give a shit less about any of that.” I wrap a little wooden box that held two tarnished pennies when I looked inside it.

“That’s not true, and you know it’s not. I offered many times to move him into a nicer apartment in a better part of the city, just as I have for you. Don’t turn this into something about Max when this is about you.” She pauses. “Are you angry because you don’t fit in, or are you angry because you want to? The evening you spoke at Max’s award dinner, were you angry you didn’t fit in, but Zarah did? Even confused, frightened by the crowd, she belonged there and you didn’t.”

I flinch.

Mom rests a hand on my arm. “I’m not saying that to be cruel, but you’ve chosen to have a relationship with her and it’s difficult to find a happy medium when you have nothing and she carries the whole world in her purse.”

I resist the urge to shake her off. “Zane and Stella do just fine.”

“Zane and Stella are hiding. Zane’s been hiding for years, and that’s all anyone can talk about. One day he’s finally going to stake his claim in King’s Crossing’s society, and I wonder how Stella will cope or if she’ll even bother to try and just disappear.”

My mother doesn’t understand Zane and Stella’s history and she underestimates how much he loves her. He’ll never let her disappear again—in any way—but I say, “Not everything is about money or status. You abandoned a man who loved you, left a baby boy who would have done anything for you, and you married a creep who fucks other women and doesn’t care if you know. He despises Zarah because Ashton Black sold her tomen I bet he did business with. She’s a victim, tried to protect her family, and Rourke blames her and calls her a whore. You married that. Max wanted to be like him, and you wonder why I’ve never wanted anything to do with either of you.”

“Max did not want to be like his father or he would have studied law instead of journalism. Stop blaming your brother for the relationship you didn’t have. That’s your fault and nobody else’s.”

I heft to my feet and walk into the kitchen. I have plenty of work in front of me today, and I need to watch my attitude or Mom will leave and I won’t have her help to get this done. Not that I want her company so much, not after the words we just threw back and forth at each other, but if I can get through this as quickly as possible, I’ll never have to see my mother or come back to this apartment again.

She follows me and starts a pot of coffee using grounds I didn’t know were still here. “Max loved Rourke, as boys love their fathers, but Max loved Zarah more. Rourke told him—”

I lift my eyebrows.

“Yes, I know what he thought of her and that he let Max know it. Max said he would choose Zarah over him, over me, if it came to that. He loved her so much, and Rourke’s disapproval hurt him. He admired you, Gage. Your independence, your strength. Your freedom, your resolve to always do the right thing, no matter the consequences. All Max ever wanted was to be like you.”

“What? He wanted to be a prick who doesn’t fit in anywhere?”

“He never understood you distanced yourself so you wouldn’t get hurt. When Vivian broke it off, I worried about you. You thought you’d found a woman who wanted you, a little boy living on the wrong side of the tracks, divorced parents, a could-have-been cop, who would have been a decorated officer by now.You’ve struggled ever since, and meeting Zarah hasn’t helped. She’s so different from you, Gage. What is it about her that captivated you and your brother? I look at her photos onTruth or Dareand all I see is confusion and fear, this mousy little woman who jumps at her own shadow.”

I’m not answering that. She’ll never match Zarah’s unflinching resolve, never realize just what Zarah’s made of. The sheer amount of strength and determination she needed to survive Ash Black and Quiet Meadows. Max felt it the second he met her...and so did I. “Why do you stay married to Rourke if you know what he is? You’d settle well in a divorce, maybe even meet a man who might actually adore you.”

Mom pours coffee into mugs we haven’t packed yet. “That’s something you never understood. I loved your father, but I loved him for what I thought I could turn him into. After we divorced, a weight lifted off me. We weren’t a good match. You may not believe it, but I love Rourke. Even after all these years, I love him, and maybe he doesn’t come home to me every night, but I wear his ring and no other woman can claim that. Sometimes, Gage, you have to make sacrifices to keep the ones you love in your life. What will you sacrifice to keep Zarah? Your PI business? Your little apartment? If she decides she doesn’t like dogs? Would you give Baby away?”

Baby lifts her head, her icy blue eyes staring at me until she knows things are okay.

“I would never sacrifice my self-worth, my dignity, my integrity, to stay with someone who would have so little regard for my feelings. Zarah would never cheat on me. Sex means something different to her, ever since Black sold her.” I stare into the black pool steaming in a Will Write for Coffee mug. “I’m scared one day she’ll say I’m not enough, the way you told Dad you wanted more, but I would never give away any part of myself to keep her.”

Mom sips her coffee. “Have you spoken to Vivian recently?” she asks, holding the mug near her lips.

I frown. “Viv? No. Why? It’s been years since I’ve thought about her.”

“Maybe it would help if you sought her out. Your feelings and emotions are clouding your memories. Talk to her, tell her you met someone, and that you need her blessing.”

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