Page 31 of Shattered Dreams

It might be a long time before we are.

One of the guards posted outside the private elevator calls up and asks Zarah’s permission to allow me access to the penthouse. He doesn’t give me the code, punching it in himself, shielding the keypad. I’m not offended. Keeping Zarah safe is my top priority, too.

I’m sweating by the time the doors slide open revealing the enormous foyer and not because I’m hot.

Zarah means a lot to me. She became my whole world in just a few short months. Zane tried to tell me, but I underestimated just how deep her issues went, or maybe I brazenly thought I would be all she needed. Either way, I made a huge error in judgment, and I’m not about to do it again.

Sex is off the table. I don’t care if Jerricka Solis said all that entirely to needle me and throw me off balance. It worked. I’ve given Zarah the lead when it comes to everything about our physical relationship, and Jerricka telling me I shouldn’t have slept with her at all made me feel like the biggest bastard alive.

Zarah’s waiting for me in the living room, still wearing her nightgown, a robe over the black silk, and a throw wrapped around her shoulders like a shawl. Dark shadows rest under her eyes, and she’s been crying, her cheeks still wet.

“Hey, how are you doing?” I’m an ass. I shouldn’t have left her alone.

I untie my boots and shrug out of my jacket. Silently, she watches me, her brown eyes large and wary. I admit, it sparks a little anger. I’m the slighted one, the wronged one. She was the one who dumped me, and she’s looking at me like I hurt her. I push it back. Yelling won’t help, and if I let my temper out, I’ll feel like a bigger asshole than I already do.

“I’m okay. Tired. I couldn’t fall back to sleep after you left.”

“I’m sorry. Your brother texted. He wanted to run a couple of things by me, then I stopped at the office and helped Pop tie up a case. Do you want to lie down?”

“Will you come with me?”

“We’re not having sex, Zarah.” I set my jaw.

She swallows and looks away. “No, of course not. You don’t want to touch me after what Jerricka said to you.”

I stand in the middle of their huge living room. The blinds are open, King’s Crossing sprawled before us. “Can you blame me? She told me—it doesn’t matter what she told me. I thought what we were doing was okay. I thought you wanted it. You initiated it a few times, and Ineverdid more than what you said I could do. Then, during your sessions, you told her what? That you weren’t ready after all? That I talked you into doing something you didn’t want to do?”

“No—”

“That what we were doing wasn’t okay—”

“No—”

“That you weren’t ready—”

She stumbles to her feet, that wild look in her eyes whenever I corner her, whenever I force her to say something she’s too scared to say. “I didn’t want you to leave me!”

I don’t buy it and I scoff. “Zarah, all you’ve done since we met is try to dump me. The night you asked me to get you off, you said Jerricka and Zane wanted you to see other people. You should have then, but I convinced you not to and that was my mistake. And the day we made love for the first time, you said it again, then the afternoon we were at Quiet Meadows, and then three days ago you actually went through with it. All you’ve wanted since we’ve been together is for us to be apart. And you wonder why I’m mad? If you don’t want to be with me, there isnothingforcing you to stay. I can turn around, go downstairs, and I willneverbother you again.”

Tears run down her cheeks. “I’m dirty, and you can do better. I’m damaged and broken and all I’m good for is—”

“Don’t youdare. Do you even listen to yourself when you say that crap? You let Ash sell you because you were protecting Zane and your mom and dad’s memory. If I couldn’t understand that, I wouldn’t be here. I’m sorry, Zarah, but yes, I’m frustrated. If you haven’t healed enough to be in a relationship, then own it and tell me because I can’t keep letting you break my heart. At some point I have protect myself, even if that means living without you.”

She turns, shuffles to the window, and leans her forehead against the glass. I don’t have the pit in my stomach I did the day at the coffeehouse. I’m not feeling the same vibes. She knows being apart is hard. It might be difficult for her to accept shedeserves my love, but I want her to understand it will be easier fighting against all the bullshit if we’re together.

“I’ve never felt the way I feel when I’m with you,” she murmurs, her voice low. She’s still looking out the window, and I can barely hear her. I want to step closer, but I don’t want to scare her or make her feel threatened. “When we’re not together, all I can think about is you. I want to text you, call you, I want to be with you every second of every day. Even when we make love, it’s not close enough. Nothing can be close enough. I want you to consume me, I want you to suffocate me. I’m obsessed, possessed, and all I want is to make you happy. I know I’m broken and I’m trying so hard to hide it so that you can’t see it. I want to be normal. I want to have a normal relationship. I want to go to the movies and follow the storyline, I want to move in with you, go grocery shopping, and take Baby on walks. I want to build snowmen in the yard with our children. I want it all, Gage, and I want it with you.”

Tentatively, I step behind her, and she leans against me, whimpering. I rest my hands on her shoulders and we look over the city. The city she’ll own, the city she’ll hold in the palm of her hand the day she can finally see clearly.

It won’t be much longer now. Ingrid’s death, Dr. Mallory, Quiet Meadows, the drug testing, they all mean something, and I won’t rest until I can figure out what.

“I’ve been trying to give it to you, but you keep running away. All you have to do is take it.”

“All I do is take.”

She turns and presses her face into my chest.

“Zarah.” I wait until she looks at me. “It’s my greatest pleasure to give. I want to give you love, I want to give you grocery shopping, and snowmen, and children, and a family. I want to be there in whatever way you need. If you take thosethings from me, I’ll be the happiest man alive, but you have to believe it’s making me happy or none of it matters.”

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