“College? What for?” he’d barked. “You’ve got everything you need right here. Your family, your future. You can help your brother out, have a cushy position in the organization. All themoney you could ever need. You don’t need college for that.”
But I wanted more. I wanted something different, something clean, something real. Something I earned. So, I taught myself, buying books and scouring the internet, learning everything I could about computer programming. And for a while, I thought maybe I could actually escape, to make something of myself.
But then Dad was killed, and everything changed. Patrick ran the business for a while, but he was a mess. He was harsher than Dad had ever been, and also sloppier. He didn’t clean up his messes, and it was all too easy for the Feds to build a case against him.
When he went to prison, the weight of the family suddenly fell on my shoulders, and I wasn’t ready for it. I tried to make it work. I really did. I thought I could change things, go legit, turn the business into something we could all be proud of. I poured everything I had into it, investing in wholesale computer parts, trying to build a legitimate enterprise out of the ashes of what we’d been.
It could’ve worked, I think. Even to this day, I believe that we could have been successful. If Patrick had stayed out of it, if he’d just let me do my job, we’d be richer now than we ever were. But Patrick couldn’t stand the idea of me doing things my way, of me succeeding where he’d failed. So, he made his power play, pulling strings from prison, undermining me at every turn.
Eventually, I had to walk away. I told myself I didn’t care, and that I was better off without any of it, without him. And for a while, I believed it. Especially when I met Cassidy.
My hands tighten on the steering wheel as I turn onto the main road, the memory still hitting me like a punch to the gut all theseyears later.
She was everything I didn’t deserve. She was kind, smart, funny, and so damn patient. She saw through all the bullshit and saw the man I wanted to be, not the man I was. We fell in love so quickly, so easily, and got married just a few months later.
I thought I could have it all with her. A fresh start, a real life. But the past has a way of catching up to you, no matter how far you run.
I grip the wheel harder as the memory floods back.
“Let me drive for once,” she said, her hand resting on the door. I should’ve argued harder, should’ve told her no. But I didn’t. I just handed her the keys, thinking it didn’t matter who was behind the wheel, as long as we were together.
I was wrong.
The explosion was deafening, the heat searing, the force knocking me off my feet. By the time I reached her, it was too late. The fire consumed everything. Her, the car, the future I thought we could have.
I shake my head now, forcing the memory back down where it belongs. I spent so long wondering what I did to deserve this. Maybe I was born into the wrong family, the wrong life. I still don’t know. Five years later, and it still feels like yesterday. Some wounds don’t heal; they just scab over, waiting to be torn open again.
I force myself to stop thinking of Cassidy. Discipline has been the name of the game these past few years, and it challenges me still every day. As much as I know she would’ve loved it here, she’ll never see it.
After her death, I needed a new start, away from Patrick’s control, away from anything that reminded me of my family and their violent tendencies. I told Patrick to do whatever he wanted with the family business. I wanted no part of it anymore. Then I moved as far away as I could, not even bothering to tell him where I was going.
At the small grocery store, I try to take deep, calming breaths as I meander down the aisles, loading up with everything I need to get through thnext few weeks. I have a huge freezer in my basement, and I’ve set up a nice little pantry as well. The more I can stock up, the less I have to come to town, and that’s especially useful during this time of year.
I’m loading up the truck when I realize I’ve forgotten the new generator I was planning to buy. I curse under my breath, realizing that I was too lost in thought to even think about it when I was at the hardware store. It isn’t a long drive back, but I hate that I was so distracted.
One day I’ll learn to let the past stay in the past but today is obviously not that day.
3
Jade
The ride into town is a mix of Tawny’s nonstop chatter and, every so often, little snippets of the local radio that only plays 70s rock music, and often has problems broadcasting in the mountains. I don’t mind, though. Tawny fills the silence in a way that doesn’t feel overwhelming. She has this way of making even the most mundane things sound interesting. Today, she’s on about the storm that’s supposed to roll in in the next day or two.
“You know, I told Jackie—he’s the new cook at the diner—that we’re due for another bad one. And you know what he said? ‘Tawny, you think every storm is the end of the world.’” She rolls her eyes, one hand on the steering wheel and the other gesturing animatedly. “Like I’m some kind of alarmist or something. He barely knows me, and he already thinks he’s got me pinned down.”
I laugh softly, pulling my coat tighter around me. “Well, your soup stockpile last year was legendary. I hear they talk about it all the way to New Mexico.”
“That’s not the point, Jade,” she says, grinning. “The point is, when this storm hits, you’re gonna thank me for dragging you into town to get supplies.”
“Admit it, you just want to kill time before your shift,” I tease, and she gives me a mock-offended look.
“Excuse me, but this is a dual-purpose trip. Yes, I have to suffer through pouring coffee for cranky old men in an hour, but I’m also here to make sure you don’t freeze to death in that cabin of yours.”
“I’m not going to freeze,” I say, though the truth is, I’ve been a little worried about the same thing. It’s my first winter in the cabin, and while I’ve done my best to prepare, there’s always that nagging feeling that I’m missing something important.
“Not on my watch, you’re not,” Tawny says firmly as she pulls into the hardware store parking lot. She parks the car and turns to me with a grin. “All right, let’s get you winterized.”
The bell above the door jingles as we step inside, and the familiar warmth of the store greets us. It’s a small place, cluttered but cozy, with shelves packed full of everything from tools to gardening supplies. Since I work here, it’s strange coming in as a customer. Ron is behind the counter, hunched over a crossword puzzle as usual. He looks up as we walk in and fixes me with a stern, but humorous, expression.