Page 34 of False Start

I release a quick breath. “I’ve missed you too.”

He licks his dry lips and then is looking at mine again. I shift uncomfortably on the bed, not sure what caused this little bout of staring. I want to know what he’s thinking right now, but I’m also terrified.

He’s never looked at me like this. Sure, we cuddle, and we’re close, but his gaze is... intense. He’s breathing hard, and if I didn’t know better, I’d say he was about to lean in and kiss me.

I stand up quickly, even though I’m sure I read all that wrong. He just broke up with his girlfriend. He’s lonely and confused.

No way in hell am I taking advantage of that. It’s clear my quick move away from him startled him as he looks over at where I’m now standing by the window, looking down at the campus below.

“What’s for dinner? I’m starving.” I’m really not, but ourbreakfastwas more lunchtime, and we did walk around for quite a while.

He’s still watching me carefully, but thankfully, he seems to shake it off long enough to get up and suggest we go check it out.

I can’t help but think something weird just happened, but I’m trying not to think too hard about it.

But I still wonder if he felt it too.

17

VAUGHN

Okay, so this week at school wasn’t so bad, even though I totally got dumped last week. I haven’t talked to Vanessa, and I don’t think I’m ready for that yet, but I’m not really all that mad at her.

It sucks, and I miss her, but I’m not really as heartbroken as I thought I’d be. Especially after spending most of last weekend with Austin. Thank fuck we didn’t have a football game, but we do this weekend.

However, it’s Friday, and I’m done with classes until Monday morning, so Austin is coming here to stay the night. I tried to talk him into a football game, but of course, he dipped out of that one. We set it up last weekend, right before he left to help me not be so sad about it. It worked because I was in a much better mood this week.

I even hung out with a couple of guys from the team—the ones who are benched like me, and one of them happens to be in my psychology class.

I’ve had a lot of time to think this week too, about Vanessa and Austin. How I wasn’t all that sad about the breakup with Vanessa. I mean, I was for that night, but I healed from it. I’mokay. But if Austin would have been totally done with me? If we hadn’t talked so much since we started college, even though it hasn’t felt like enough—that would break me.

I have no doubt.

So what does that mean? I’m not completely sure. I can’t say I’ve never thought about being more than friends with Austin—it was always hypothetical because I had a girlfriend, but if I’m being totally honest, I’ve thought about it.

Especially since he told me he was in love with me. And really, really especially since I became single too and he was there. He showed up because he knew I was upset, and that’s all he needed to know.

I couldn’t stop looking at his mouth—it’s pretty, with full pink lips, kind of in the shape of a heart—and thinking about what it would have been like to kiss him. I thought about it most of last weekend—at least the part where I didn’t feel like I was close to dying.

And I don’t think it would be bad—not bad at all. I don’t think it would feel weird or wrong in any way. It’s all I can really think about this week. Would he want to kiss me? I mean, I know he said he was in love with me, but he also said he didn’t know what that love really meant.

That maybe he was confused. That’s why I had to ask him again. He said he was, but I get the impression that maybe he still doesn’t want to be. Maybe we just need to kiss.

See if it could be more. Maybe it would be totally awkward—like kissing your brother. I cringe, secretly hoping it wouldn’t feel that way. I realize I’m actually holding out hope it will be good—that is, if he actually wants to kiss me.

He may not want to. Maybe he found someone else this week and realized he only wants to be friends.

My panic starts to rise, and I suddenly wish I could talk to Vanessa or Austin about this. Which—for obvious reasons—I can’t. I will talk to Austin, but he’s part of this equation, and well, Vanessa... She might not be too thrilled about me already thinking about kissing someone else, even though she kind of started it.

I laugh to myself, thinking about how both of them would probably mock me a little for being immature, but this is brand-new territory for me. I’ve always cared about Austin—but these feelings... like wanting to maybe kiss him—yeah, that’s fairly new.

I feel like a little kid, waiting for him to arrive, and when he knocks on my door, I nearly pull the door off the hinges, opening it for him. He just laughs and lets me hug him before pulling him inside.

“Hey,” he laughs, totally used to my clinginess.

“Hey, I was starting to think you weren’t coming.”

He shakes his head at me for being ridiculous. “I’m actually a little earlier than I thought I’d be. My last class got canceled.”

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