Page 34 of Connected

“Okay, but I could still help with that. Your neck—I can make it feel better.”

“And I said no! Darius, I don’t need your kind of help. It will heal by itself, with a little time, and I would appreciate it if you’d just leave me alone now.”

“Okay, well if that’s what you want, then yeah I will. But you know it will be painful for much longer, and you don’t have to endure that. Ten-minutes and I could have it feeling better.”

“And I said, no! Can you just listen to what I’m saying please? Darius, I want nothing more to do with you, not now—not ever, are we clear?”

“Wait, what the hell did I do so wrong? Kat, why are you being like this? I thought we had something, I thought—”

“Yeah, well, you thought wrong. Hell, you said it yourself, you can’t be the man I want. Now I know you can never be the man I want because… well, you aren’t even a fuckin’ man, are you?” she hesitates and swallows nervously.

“What? Kat, what the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Oh, for God’s sake, do you want me to spell it out for you? I think you know perfectly well what it means. I know why you don’t feel anything. Because you can’t, because you’re… you’re dead!”

“Oh wow! Well, I gotta say, I was not expecting that. Seriously—I’m dead?What the fuck? That’s really what you think: that I have no feelings—that I’m dead?”

“Yeah. Well, that’s the truth, isn’t it? You know, I really can’t believe you fucking lied to me. But then, what else should I expect from your kind? Why didn’t you have the guts to tell me yourself about what you really are?”

“Oh… Oh shit…” he takes a long deep breath and steps back. “Digby told you, didn’t he? Oh, Kat, I’m so sorry. You’re right, I should have told you myself.”

“First, Digby didn’t tell me, but yeah, yeah too fuckin’ right you should have told me. I can’t believe you didn’t. I mean, you let me… Shit, we…” She gulps, swallowing her angry tears and suppresses her emotions. “My God, you let mefuckyou. Do you know how sick I feel even thinking about that now? What we did… How the hell could you let me do that? I mean, I’m a fuckin’ wolf and you let me. You’re sick. Darius, we fucked—hell, you told me you were a wolf.”

“No! No, now wait a minute, I never told you I was a wolf. Yeah, okay sure I get it. You assumed I was a wolf, but I never actually said that. And I told you we couldn’t do it, but if I remember it was you desperate to climb my body. Kat, you wanted me and you said you weren’t worried about what I was. That you wanted me—as a man and you as a woman—that’s what you said. So was that a lie?”

“Yeah, I did say that, but I didn’t know then that you were a fuckingvamp.For Christ’s sake, don’t you see the problem with that? Everyone knows vamps and wolves can’t mix—not like that. You know how dangerous that is, hell we could’ve killed each other. No, you know we should be nowhere near each other. I just don’t get why you would do that to me. I thought we connected but now… now I know it was all just a lie. Some vamp mind-fuck you pulled on me.”

“No, that’s a lie. I did nothing to you that you didn’t want me to. Everything we did was with our own free will. Kat, we did connect. Maybe we shouldn’t have—but we did.”

“Well, we can’t anymore. I don’t want you anywhere near me. Do you understand that? So, stay the hell away from me.” She steps closer, looking him in the eyes. “I just don’t understand how you could make me feel so alive when you’re so…”

“Right… yeah, cos I forgot about me beingsodead. Well, I think you’ve made it very clear how you feel. I mean, you said that several times already.”

“Oh, what? You’re getting all hurt feelings on me. No, no that won’t wash. You’re a…” she takes a deep breath and then spits out the words, “You’re a fuckin’ vampire! Did you not think how I might feel about that?”

“Kat, please… I never meant for it to go that far. Oh, I don’t know, maybe I did. I just wanted to be with you—Iwantto be with you. Anyway, I told you I can’t do emotional stuff.”

“Yeah, but I thought you meant after what happened with Isabella—that you’d closed off your feelings because of her. Not because youcan’tshow feelings, because you haven’t got any. That you feel nothing because like I said, you’re dead inside.”

He’s somewhat shocked by the pain her words inflict on him. Her blunt and cutting tone stabs at him like the point of a knife. Distancing himself away from her, he folds his arms over his chest. “Okay. Well, if that’s what you really think, then perhaps you’re right. But just for the record, I did have feelings for you. For the first time in… way too long, I did feel things when I was with you, and I know for damn sure, you felt things for me.”

Kat swallows, embarrassed by the cruel and harsh tone of her words. “Look, I’m sorry if I sound like a bitch but… well, you made me feel dirty. Ever since Zak told me; since I found out what you are, the thought that I slept with you—it’s disgusting. I can’t have those kinds of feelings about you because the whole idea of it makes me feel physically sick.”

“I thought you said I made you feel like a woman—not a freak? I’m still the same person, so what changed?”

“I don’t know, but things have. Now I feel even more of a freak. Sleeping with you—fucking you—me wanting you so much. What the hell was I thinking? Jesus, I can’t believe I was so damn stupid, I mean I know I was drunk but how the fuck could I not know something like that when it’s all so damn obvious. Hell, all the signs were there in front of me but I was so wrapped up in you, or maybe I was just too dumb, to see it? I was blinded by what I wanted—what IthoughtI wanted—I didn’t open my eyes and just like the last time I let my infatuation cloud the truth.”

“But maybe you did know? And maybe you ignored it. Maybe it’s because despite everything—every reason we shouldn’t be together—you wanted me? Kat, it pains me to say this but… I wanted to be with you too. I still wanna be with you and I think, maybe you still wanna be with me? Do you remember what you told me—that I was with Kat and not the wolf. ThatKatwanted me. Well, maybe I was just being Darius—the man, responding to that woman?”

“No. No, I don’t feel anything for you. I’m sorry, but that’s the truth. I can’t—I can’t let myself feel anything for you—not now I know.”

He stands watching her, the awkward way she stands, her nervous gesture. Then he notices the pulse in her neck as it throbs in a fast beat against her skin. Tentatively, he reaches out and places his fingers against it. And as he presses gently—just for a moment—she bows her head; submissive. Not looking him in the eyes, she allows the cool touch of his hand on her skin and closes her eyes. Taking a deep breath then suddenly she pulls away and steps back. “Don’t. Don’t do that. Don’t you dare touch me like that ever again. I know what you’re doing.”

“Kat, please,” he sighs. “Okay, but can I ask why? I mean, if I’m dead it won’t matter because you won’t feel anything, will you? Me touching you won’t matter. Okay, I won’t touch you, but I could help with your pain. You could use what I am to help you.”

“No, you’re not listening to me. I don’t want you anywhere near me and anyway, how would I explain that to Digby?”

“You wouldn’t have to…” Digby coughs from where he’s positioned at the edge of the small clearing, watching them. “Because I told him it was okay. Kat, he’s right, he can help you.”

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