Page 10 of The Other Side of Apart
“What happened, Marcus?” The setting sun lights the right side of her face, making her glow.
“What do you mean?”
“After the hut. I know I made it weird and I’m sorry, but ever since then, you’ve just…pushed me out and kept me out.”
I inhale through my nose, like the reasons inside me just need a little more fresh air to coax them out. I don’t know why this hurts so much to let her into this space. “You were afraid of me. I felt it. And then you just shut down, and I didn’t know what to do because we never talked about why. And we still haven’t.”
She stares at the sheet, her finger rubbing the seam of her pants. “It’s…overwhelming, and I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to give it air to breathe. But I wasn’t scared of you. I’ve never been scared of you.”
“It felt like you were.”
“I didn’t mean for it to feel like that. I didn’t mean for any of it to happen at all.” Her eyes meet mine. “And now, it’s just…we’ve wanted nothing but to be alone, no one barging in or tearing us apart or telling us we can’t. We’ve had alone-time for a month, but we’re acting like roommates, and I’m confused. We laugh and share things, but it only goes so far, and then there’s this invisible wall between us, and I’ve been slamming against it ever since we got to Seattle. I don’t want you to be scared of me or how I might react, and I don’t want to be your roommate, but maybe that’s what you want.”
I shake my head. “No, Mei. That’s not at all what I want. Not even close. I just…I need to know what you’re thinking, but I don’t know how to bring it up without bringing up bad memories. So yeah—it’s been super weird, and it’s not your fault, it’s mine.”
She rolls her eyes. “Cliché.”
“I know. I know—it totally is, but it’s…I don’t know how to…”
“What?” She throws her hands in the air. “Why can’t you say things to me anymore? When did you become so careful about what you say? What are you afraid of?”
“I told you. I’m afraid of hurting you or scaring you. I have no clue what’s going on inside your head, so then I try to guess, and I get stuck in my head and don’t wanna ask, and I’m going in circles.” I run my fingers through my hair, gripping it between my fingers. “You’ve been abused. Used? I don’t know. You’ve never told me exactly what happened, and I know you don’t wanna talk about it but it’s not just gonna go away if we ignore it.”
She looks down at her lap, the minutes stretching on the breeze before she speaks again. “If it hadn’t been for Su Ling or Nick being drunk, I wouldn’t be here right now.” She closes her eyes, breathing deeply through her nose. “He tried to rape me. In a hotel room. I fought him, but he was strong and would have succeeded.” Another pause. “But Su Ling found us and smashed a vase over his head. We both ran.” She closes her eyes. “Nick told me he always gets what he wants, but that night he didn’t.”
My fists clench, my throat goes dry, and I want to track Nick down and make sure he never has the option of getting what he wants, but Mei’s eyes pull me back from the edge. “I’m here, and Nick’s not, and that’s all that matters to me.”
It’s the first time her eyes have talked to me since the day in my apartment.
She smiles. “And now it’s your turn to tell me the truth.”
“About what?”
“About what you’re really feeling.”
I sit up, elbows on my bent knees, my fingers wrestling in front of me. It’s too stupid to say now that she told me what happened to her. I scan the horizon. “I hate what he did to you. But so glad you fought. That you’re here, and that you told me.I know it was hard for you, so thank you.” I watch a speed boat swerve through the waves. “But I’m still afraid.”
“Of…?”
“Losing you.”
She squints at me. “Losing me as a friend? Because that’s what I am right now, and I guess if that’s what you want, then?—”
“No. I definitely want way more than that. But I still don’t know what you want or don’t want or what’s okay and what’s not. But I want to know. I need to because I want…everything. All the things I’ve imagined doing with you since I met you. Since I first kissed you or saw you in your bra.” I swallow the itchy, squirming honesty crawling up my throat, like it’s scared of the light but can’t go back to the dark. “I want way more than just your body, but I’m afraid of taking the next step and you thinking that’s all I’m after. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t dreamed every single day about being with you.” I glance at her, then look away. “I have so many feelings for you, and I don’t know how to show you how strong they are without making things physical, and I promised myself I’d prove I love you for all the right reasons. That I’d never make you uncomfortable or leave you feeling used.
“But that day at my apartment…before Meemaw walked in…everything seemed so confusing. Like all my feelings got shoved aside by hormones, and I was afraid of myself. I’ve heard the stories from all my friends and guys on the team about how things end after they do it with their girlfriends, and I just…I don’t want that. I don’t want that to be us, and I never want to feel you stiffen when I touch you again.
“But I can’t lose you. Can’t even think about it. It’s a dark hole I was in before, and now I won’t go anywhere near it. I made a choice back then, when I thought we were over, that if I ever got another chance with you, I wouldn’t mess it up. I promisedmyself I wouldn’t have sex until I was fully, one hundred percent committed so you’d know you can trust me forever.”
Mei’s eyes dive into mine. “Like, committed how…?”
“Like married committed.”
A slow smile spreads across Mei’s face. “Then what are we waiting for?” When my eyebrows jump, she laughs to the sky. “Kidding. Kind of.”
I give her a shaky smile because more words are piling up, falling out of me. “I know we’re young, so I’m not saying we need to get married right now. I just know once we go there, there’s no going back for me. I’ll give you all of me. But that doesn’t mean you’ll want all of it. And I’m not willing to risk losing you.” I hold her gaze, trying to pull her into my feelings so she can understand what I’m not saying very well. “I’d rather spend my whole life just holding your hand if it means you’ll stay with me.”
She slowly turns her whole body toward me on the sheet. “Marcus,” she whispers, and her voice wraps around my name, holding it between us like solid ground we can meet on. “I wouldn’t be okay holding your hand forever because it’s not enough for me. I want all of you, too. Including all of this fear and worry and feelings, no matter how big or heavy. Because at least I know this all means something to you.”
