Page 148 of Study Buddies

“No.” He rested his forehead on his palm. “She wanted out of the relationship.”

This lying piece of shit was the biggest waste of space ever. “Just shut the fuck up and never talk to me again.”

“You needed to know the truth.”

I wanted to hit him so fucking badly. He and his lies were like cancer. “It isn’t the truth, and even if it was, why now?”

“Because I see some of the same patterns between you and Tori.”

My breath caught, but he didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about. “Don’t lie about her, too.”

“I’m not going to. You and Natalie were like an old married couple by senior year. You did everything together. Slept together. Spent each day together. Finished each other’s sentences. You fucking suffocated her, dude. Or maybe you mutually suffocated each other. She wanted out.”

That wasn’t true. It couldn’t be. She would’ve talked to me. But all I said, as a blinding headache hit me was, “Why?”

“I don’t know, but weren’t you going to do the long-distance thing when you went to college? Long distance isn’t easy. And you were each other’s firsts—for basically everything, right? So maybe she wanted to spread her wings a little. Get some more experience under her belt.”

Shit. Was he right? But how could he be? I’d known Natalie better than anyone—just like she’d known me better than anyone. Wouldn’t she have told me if she wanted to break up? But that’s not what I asked. “Did she ever love me?”

“She didn’t confide in me, she just tried to get me to fuck her. But it sure as shit looked like you two were in love, at least to me.” He sighed. “I’ve had a lot of time to think since then, and I think maybe I get it now.”

I waited. Part of me wanted to yell at him for presuming to know anything about her. About us. Another part of me needed to hear what he had to say—and at the same time, didn’t want to.

“It’s hard to crush someone, especially when you care about them. So you start to think that maybe it’ll be easier if you get them to break up with you. I’ve done that a time or two with awoman, and I’m not proud of it. I think Natalie wanted to sleep with me so that you’d dump her—and then she’d be spared the pain of having to dump you. Which I know you don’t want to hear it, but that seems pretty fucking cowardly.”

“You’re right, I don’t want to hear it.”

“Right. Because it’s much easier on you if it’s all my fault.”

Shit. He was saying exactly what Tori had said to me that night after she’d kissed all of us at the library study group. That didn’t make it true, though.

Except now there was one person I trusted—and the one person who knew my history with Natalie—both saying the same thing.

“Why did you lie? Why’d you say you slept with her and take the blame?”

Kyle sighed again, resting his forearms on the table. “The one thing I never doubted was that you loved her. I knew you’d be crushed that she cheated or tried to. So the way I saw it—you could end up hating the girl you loved, or you could hate the guy you already couldn’t fucking stand. So I figured that might be a better option for you, though both sucked.”

That was a lot to process, and I didn’t want to believe it. But the logical side of my brain was resurfacing through the anger. What would the last year and a half have been like if I’d blamed Natalie instead of Kyle? It would’ve added new and awful layers to the incredible pain I felt after the breakup. Shit. “So I’ve spent the last eighteen months hating you for something you didn’t do?”

“Well, yeah. That was the plan. But don’t forget, we didn’t get along before that, either. So it’s not like we would’ve been best buds if she hadn’t come to my room.” Kyle’s voice was flat, as if it didn’t matter.

But it did. “Maybe… without that with Natalie… maybe we would’ve eventually grown out of it. Or gotten past it somehow.”

He looked doubtful. “Blended families suck under the best of circumstances. And you and I already didn’t like each other when our parents met, so it wasn’t great even before they got married.”

“I had a role in that,” I said softly. “I played up to your dad. Emphasized my achievements. Downgraded yours.”

“I didn’t fucking have any, except on the field.”

“Still… I threw you under the bus. My dad died when I was just a kid, and it felt good to have my new stepfather be proud of me. But having it be at the expense of his son—that was a shitty thing for me to do. Selfish, too.”

Kyle looked out the window. “The way you just described it makes it sound like that was on my dad as much as you. Maybe you wouldn’t have tried to throw me under the bus if I hadn’t been so mean to you at school.”

“Either way, it’s not something I’m proud of.”

“Me either.” He picked up his coffee cup, only to realize it was empty.

“So, what do we do now?”

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