Page 22 of Fallen Angels

From the corner of my eye, I can see his frown. “You don’t find me handsome?”

“You know everyone finds you handsome.”

“Then why don’t you like to look at me?”

“I don’t know,” I lie.

“Look at me, Eilish.”

“No,” I say as I take another swig of my wine.

“Look at me.”

“No.”

“Look at me,” he insists. “That’s a fucking order.”

I turn to face him and his expression softens. He leans forward and my heart trips as my breathing increases. He makes me nervous and he scares me and he intimidates me…

“Shall I tell you why you don’t like looking at me?” he asks.

“If you want,” I answer and it’s all I can do to hold his gaze. But, I do. I force myself to.

“You don’t like looking at me because you hate yourself for the way I make you feel.”

I don’t say anything right away as I wonder if I’m so obvious. He knows I desire him. I’m mortified as the realization washes over me. “Or maybe I hate you?” I ask, my voice breathy.

“You do hate me,” he says as he leans even closer. I turn my face forward again, my attention on the wall in front of me. He’s so close, I can feel his breath on my cheek. “But you also desire me. And you hate yourself for desiring me.”

“Do you hate yourself for desiring me?” I ask as I completely lose my appetite. For food. I reach for the wine again and realize I’ve already finished it.

“Why should I hate myself for desiring you?” he asks with a shrug, as if the question is completely idiotic.

“Because you know you’re going to kill me and desiring me and knowing you’re going to kill me probably war with one another.”

“Why do you believe I’m going to kill you?”

“Because that’s what you’ve done to all the angels,” I accept the glass of wine he hands me. I’m not sure if he took my glass and refilled it or if this is a new one. And I don’t care.

“Regardless,” he says as he reaches forward and pushes a stray lock of my hair behind my ear. “I do desire you, yes, and no, I don’t hate myself for it.”

“Can… can I ask you something?” I start as I turn to face him. He appears surprised.

“Yes.”

“Why haven’t you… why haven’t you forced yourself on me?” I ask.

CHAPTER FIVE

EILISH

The Castle in the Sky

“Is that what you want?” Variant asks as he leans back into his chair again, surprise at my question still evident in his features.

“No, of course not. I’m just… surprised.”

“Why?”

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