Page 28 of Ties of Shadow

His jaw muscles feathered as he glared at me, his slow gaze judging, measuring as it perused my person. I felt more naked now than I had in the bath.

“That’s stupid.” My mouth popped open in offense and outrage, but he held up a hand to stop me. “Youare not stupid. But that phrase,thatis stupid.” He paced back to add a log to the fireplace. “It implies that to rest is not valuable, that it’s nothing. But that would mean that the sick and disabled are nothing. That the elderly are nothing.” He eyed me. “That the queen is nothing.”

I squeaked in outrage. “Of course, she is something!” Defense for my queen rose within me. “Just because they cannot do something extravagant right now doesn’t mean they are worth nothing.”

“But this same logic doesn’t apply to you?”

My mouth opened and shut, but no brilliant counterargument surfaced.

“Let me ask you something else. If I asked you to scrub the toilets—you would say…”

I felt relief. “Yes. I would be honored to serve the Shade.”

“And if I asked you to care for the wolves.”

I hesitated a bit longer. “I’d say yes and hope they don’t eat me.”

He chuckled darkly, and I wondered if they might accidentally eat me. “And if I asked you to flap your arms and squawk like a dragonling, you’d say…”

I bit my lip, my cheeks heating at the image. “If it would please the Shade, I’d say yes.”

The Shade mumbled something under his breath and stepped away, toward the threshold of the room, before stopping again, agitated. His shadows enveloped me. His piney scent filled my lungs.His presence flooded out all thought. His murmured voice, low and quiet, sent vibrations through my heart. “I’m grateful, at least, that when you finally ran—despite this idiotic saying and the training of your youth—you showed discernment. You showed everyone you are worth something, worth more than some sacrifice determined by an old crone. That you don’t have to please the world to earn your place. That saying no is the first step to a full and joyful yes. None of those things I just asked of you would bring you fulfillment. Nothing you have ever shared with me has been what Aelia wants or needs or hopes for. That’s a problem.”

The Shade stepped out, unnaturally smooth again, but as he turned the corner, a slight limp became evident on his left side. I hardly noticed it in my emotional turmoil. I was outraged at the audacity. I was offended that he thought I was a doormat. But deep within, I was horrified because I suspected he was right.

If I truly believed my own words, that I was a tool for the crown, an able servant willing to do anything for my prince, then I would have died that day. I would have willingly stepped forward with the love of my kingdom in my eyes, placing my head on that platter enthusiastically. Instead, I stepped back. And I had run. I had said no. And I hadn’t returned.

I threw the rag I had been wringing by the wash basin and stalked down the hall. Daytime animals scurried along the walls. Rats, crows, and an enormous spotted cat sunbathed on a windowsill, but I passed them all in a huff.

Of course, I was worth something. I believed that. I was excellent at finding herbs. I made excellent potions for the queen. I could bake with the best. I—I was still listing things I could do.Alright, reframing. I was worth something because…I was nice and looked out for the needs of others.

A whisper came unbidden within me.“But what about your own needs?”

I laughed awkwardly under my breath. The question shouldn’t have been funny, but it was. What needs? What did I really need? Food, bed, clothes?

The whisper corrected the list.“Affection, love, safety.”

My eyes pricked with tears again. A tiny seed in my heart sent a tendril of a root—fragile but present. Maybe I wanted more than I’d been given. I felt ungrateful, a traitor to my upbringing, my kingdom, and my father.

Again, a deep whisper—so deep it rumbled in my bones—spoke. “Betray yourself, and you lose everything. First, be true to yourself.”I turned to look for the Shade, but he was nowhere nearby. Perhaps my inner voice now sounded like him. It spoke again, “You must love yourself first, before you can overflow to others.”

I paused, then wondered to the voice, “And do you love yourself?”

A grumbling sigh filled my mind and chest. “Some days are easier than others, Dayspring.”

I knew it. I could hear his thoughts. More frighteningly, he could hear mine.

Awareness that wasn’t my own brightened within me.“I will never betray you.”

“You already have,” I muttered. “My mind is my own, and you’re in it.”

The Shade chuckled from wherever he was hiding. “Your mind became mine the moment we kissed. I will safeguard it. I will treasure it. I will respect it and stay silent if you wish. But you came to me, and now, you are mine.”

Crying out in frustration, I stormed into my room and shut and locked the door, willing the door and the distance to spare me his intrusion.

I was no one’s. I was not property. My mind could not be owned. But keeping my thoughts away from my heart was more challenging than I expected. Deep down, a quiet part of me reveled in the sensation of being wanted. When the Shade saidmine,I didn’t feel owned or betrayed. It had felt…like I’d returned home. Like my mother’s kiss on my cheek. Her hand sweeping my hair from my eyes or behind my ear. Her lullabies. The safety of the hearth after dinner. Chef’s sweet embrace. The pressure of the queen’s hand on mine.

Safety. Warmth. Being wanted. None of these things were like the Shade—the dark, malicious, sinister, evil…

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