Page 53 of The Dallas Dilemma

You know, it’s dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section…

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For the firsttime in a year, I don’t call Buckaroo out on one of his silly movie quotes. Of course, I know it’s fromMy Blue Heaven,and of course I could come up with any number of likenesses between Buckaroo and Vinnie, but now that I know he’s actually Dallas, I don’t even want to try to goad him into an argument.

And, fuck, how am I so clueless? Dallas and I had a whole conversation at the beach about our names. Iknowhis initials are D.F.W., and I never put it together. But then again, why would I? It’s not like I ever would have suspected my boyfr…neighbor and my online nemesis were the same person. Hell, even if I had made the connection, I would’ve assumed it’s a coincidence.

But we started all this on a strange coincidence, didn’t we? What were the odds that Dallas would get me as his customer service agent while he was moving in across the hall? If someone had told me then that he was also Bodacious Buckaroo, I’d have called them insane.

I don’t know what I’m going to do when I see him tonight. I blew him off on Sunday and told him I was too tired to hang out last night, but that I wanted to see him tonight, for sure. And I do want to see him. Sort of.

Hell, I miss him, and I really don’t want things to end between us. Pretending like I don’t know him from Cackle would be a risk, but so would laying it all out and hoping he won’t end things the second he finds out I’m JoeyB. All day, I’ve spent my time between chat requests obsessing over the two options, mentally listing the pros and cons of each.

If I tell him, I could lose him.

If I don’t tell him, I’ll always be terrified he’ll find out, and I would lose him.

Everything ends with me losing him.

Objectively, I know that some of my fear is fueled by my anxiety and the underlying belief that I’m not worth the trouble it would cause Dallas to work this out with me. But that doesn’t stop me from believing itandcoming up with all kinds of doomsday scenarios.

He finds out, calls me a liar, and leaves.

He finds out, laughs in my face, and leaves.

He finds out, says he doesn’t care, but deep down inside, he resents me for trolling him all these months. Then he figures out that we’re fundamentally incompatible and leaves.

I know there has to be a chance we can work this all out and be together, but my brain won’t let me develop any kind of scenario that plays out that way.

I can’t tell him. Not tonight. Maybe in a week, or in a month when I know where this thing is going and exactly how solid we are, I can drum up some situation where I “figure it out,” and we can laugh about it.

As soon as I sign out of my work program at the end of my shift, I get a text from my sister.

Callie:So? What did you decide?

I don’t need clarification. We’ve been trying to hash this out since Sunday.

Me:I want to tell him, but I don’t think I can. Not yet. Not until I know where this thing is going between us.

Callie:I think honesty is the way to go, but I’ve got your back. Whatever you decide.

Me:Thanks, sis. I love you.

Callie:I love you, too. You’ve got this, girl.

Hopping out of my office chair, I head into my bedroom to pick an outfit and take a shower. I spend a lot of time doing my hair, blow drying it into fat waves, before applying some light makeup. I pull on the tight jeans and the lightweight sweater I chose, leaving my feetbare for the moment. I can pick shoes when I find out what Dallas wants to do tonight.

My phone chimes, and I take a stuttering breath before opening the text from Dallas.

Dallas:Hey. How are you feeling? Still up for getting together tonight?

Me:Much better, thanks. And yes, I’d love to see you.

Dallas:I want to see you, too. Do you want to go out? Or chill at home?

I don’t think I can relax at this point, but there’s a much better chance of that happening in my own home than out somewhere in public, where I’d already feel anxious even if I wasn’t keeping a huge secret.

Me:We can hang here. I can order food. Does Chinese sound good tonight?

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