Page 99 of Deacon

A tear slips out. I know Aiden can see it, but he’ll be angrier if I wipe it.

“Jesus,” he says.

His boots fade away. I force my eyes open as the truck revs outside and gravel crackles until it fades away. I wipe my face now that it’s safe and slowly climb the stairs.

My clothes are laid out on the bed. I wash and braid my wet hair down my back. I have to go to work for a few hours. Tracy’s expecting a little crowd because it’s the last day of the fall festival in Knifley. She’s stopping to pick me up in thirty minutes.

I pat my face with cold water until the pink is gone. My face is pale, my bright blue eyes taking it up.

The same color as the lingerie he bought me.

I turn my head back and forth. I’ve stood in front of the drug store makeup and wondered what I’d look like wearing some, but it always seemed like such a frivolous purchase.

It’s not like anybody ever taught me how to use it anyway.

I tear myself away from the mirror. It’s chilly out, with fall finally settling in. I put my leggings under my skirt and tuck in my sweater. Under my boots, I’m wearing woolen socks. Then, I head downstairs just as I hear Tracy laying on her truck’s horn.

It’s a pleasant day at work. We chat, fill orders, and clean up the shop before locking up. Tracy and I get a deep fried pie from one of the vendors, and she takes me home, dropping me at the end of the drive. I eat while I walk to the house and hope the men aren’t home yet.

They aren’t. I go straight to taking food out of the fridge and heating up the oven. The kitchen is warm, even though frost has started making patterns on the windows. I make the same meal I made the first time because it seemed like it went over well with the McClaines. The last thing I want is Aiden complaining.

Trucks pull up the drive. Men’s voices fill the chilly air.

The door opens and Ryland comes in, followed by Kasey and Elijah. Bittern is talking with Mitch Silvers, the older gentleman from the city council. Aiden comes in at their heels with a group ofmen as loud and rough as he is. My stomach is a pit. I didn’t realize there were going to be more of them.

There’s enough food. I just don’t like strange men in the house, especially in groups.

I should be used to it by now, but the last several months in Montana, with just Aiden and my stepbrothers in the house, made me too comfortable.

They fill the house with chaos. Loud voices. Laughter. Jokes that make my stomach turn even though I’ve heard them all before.

My mouth tastes bitter.

Nobody says anything to me. I fill all ten plates around the table and go into the kitchen to have my plate. Thankfully, Aiden doesn’t pursue me and demand I eat with our guests.

My heart hurts. More than anything in the world, I want to go home.

The problem is, I don’t know where that is anymore.

The wind is picking up outside. I slip through the side door and stand on the edge of the porch. Gusts of chilly air tease my skirt and hair. I look up and see the dark strands swirl before my eyes. I wish I could fly with them, up and up.

Floating into space, home to the stars.

A hot tear escapes. My lips part.

“Come find me.”

The words tumble out, a little whisper, and the wind takes them with hungry hands and carries them away—up over the roof and the chimney, up over the hills and the dark mountains.

All the way to him.

If I could go back, I would be a brave little girl who went out into the world like the heroines from my books. I’d have taken Bittern’s hand before he had a chance to go into the mines and we’d have run. Surely, there’s somewhere in the world where we could have been safe.

Maybe if I had run, Bittern wouldn’t cough. Maybe he would have a wife who loved me like a sister and babies for me to hold.

Maybe is a heavy word.

It haunts me.

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