Page 78 of Deacon

He turns the shower on, and I think he’s limping but I can’t tell. He might just be tired. Then, he comes back to the sink and kisses me. Soft, sweet. A tremor goes through my body.

He pulls back. There’s a second where I think he’s going to say something. His jaw works. His forehead creases. Then, he taps my chin and walks out.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

DEACON

I’m breathing hard in the guest bathroom.

There’s a shard of wood, a half an inch thick, sticking out of my upper thigh. It must have happened when I fell into the shattered table with Ryland. I didn’t notice it until I was sitting in the truck beside her. It doesn’t hurt. It’s more of a dull pain and tingling shock.

It’s not bleeding, but the wound is swollen around the wood. It just hurts like a motherfucker.

I strip my shirt and unfasten my belt. Pain ripples as I peel the fabric of my work pants off the wound, letting them fall to mid-thigh.

Jesus, it looks fucked up.

The skin is traumatized, puffy around the puncture. Blood laces the edges, crusted. Maybe it’s longer than I think it is, because every time I take a step, it feels like I’m being stabbed.

I take the first aid kit from under the sink and pop it open. Working quickly, I set the alcohol and gauze up and wash my hands. Then, I take a rubber handled toothbrush and put it between my back molars. There’s metallic phlegm seeping from my sinuses that tells me I need to check my nose for breaks when I’m done.

I take a breath, bite down, and wriggle the wood from the soft flesh. My vision flashes red and yellow.

Fuck, that’s a shot of adrenaline.

I take the toothbrush out, spit blood and snot into the sink, and put it back in. Working quickly, I push the tip of my finger into the outer edges of the wound, searching for splinters. I should take myself to the quick clinic, but I don’t have time tonight. Maybe I won’t go anyway. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve put myself back together.

My entire body aches as I turn on the shower and step in. Hot water pours over me, making the nicks and bruises sting as I wash up. I’m slow to turn off the faucet and limp back to the sink to dry off.

Rubber between my teeth, I clean the wound and sew it back together with two stitches. Normally, I wouldn’t sew a puncture wound, but it’s ragged at the edges. The wood tore me up going in and out. Finally, I pack gauze over it and tape it down.

Good enough.

There’s a man in the mirror, looking back at me, kicked to shit. The corner of my mouth turns up. I really threw Freya into the deep end. It wouldn’t surprise me if, once she’s had a night to sleep on it, she decides she wants nothing to do with me.

Not that it will keep me away.

Aching inside and out, I pull on sweatpants. My nose doesn’t feel broken. I think it’s just beat up, so I leave it alone. In the dark, I go down to the kitchen and take a couple of Tylenol and wash it down with a shot of moonshine. The sharp taste, a bit like apple flavored paint remover, puts some life back in my veins.

What am I so afraid of showing her?

The kinky shit? Or the ugly, self-destructive shit?

Maybe both.

The house is so quiet. The weight of everything that happened settles on my shoulders. Today was one of those days there’s no coming back from. Jay might have been able to negotiate his way out of the easement, but not now. I’m not worried about assault charges. I know men like Aiden, and he won’t hide behind the law.

That’s all I can say for him—he’ll throw down before he whines about it.

All this leads right back to the woman in my bed. She knows what I did today. I can’t hide who I am anymore.

Maybe all this pretending I’m not a fucked up asshole isn’t worth it. I think I want her to see me for who I am—my violence, my recklessness, how my brain struggles to produce the fear chemicals I need to keep me from doing stupid shit. Even what I did to get Ryder Ranch.

The floor creaks up above. She’s not sleeping.

My mind goes back to her curvy body hanging over the anvil in the blacksmith shop. My hands grip the counter edge. In my pants, my cock goes rock hard, despite the beating my body took today.

Something cold that I don’t let out unless the proper barriers are in place rises in me.

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