Page 79 of Undercover Desires

My anxiety doesn’t let up, the pain in my chest growing stronger. “What if she doesn’t come back? What if I messed it all up? I was honest and told her who she was to me.”

Maeve looks surprised. “What did you tell her?”

“That she wasn’t just some girl to me. She was the only girl. When this is all over, I wanted her in my life still. I asked her if she wanted that as well,” I mutter, knowing how pathetic I sound, but it’s the truth. I have never wanted anything more in my life than this girl. Until I met her, I didn’t even think it was possible for me to fall for someone, but I know what this is. “She’s everything to me.”

“And she couldn’t give you an answer?” Maeve adjusts her glasses, pushing them back up her nose as she watches me. I don’t know what she’s looking for, but something about her assessing gaze is even more unsettling today. Can she see how stupid I’ve been?

“She couldn’t get away from me fast enough,” I admit, my frustration clear. “I did what you said. Opened myself up to this girl. Let her see the real me, all of it, and this is what I get. Her running scared.” I hate the way she was looking at me last night, like I was pure evil. Everything we had been working toward, the trust, all gone in the blink of an eye. All because my crazy took over, and I lost my shit in front of her. I didn’t even consider dialing it back. This is me. It’s why my brothers trust me to take care of these types of problems. It comes naturally. But as I tossed and turned last night, I could see it from her perspective, and that’s when I knew how bad this really was.

She tilts her head, thinking it over, and I wait desperately for her to solve all my problems. She has to know what to do here. “Kobe, I know this feeling of being out of control is new for you because you’ve never allowed yourself to fall for someone before, but you have to understand, it’s perfectly normal for you to be feeling this way,” she reassures me. “Yes, she mightdecide this lifestyle isn’t for her and walk away. She also might surprise you and admit she feels the same. She’s asked for time; you need to respect her wishes and give her what she needs. Focus on your brother’s fight, put your energy into him.”

Give her time? What kind of advice is that! I knew she wouldn’t be able to help me today. I’m going to leave here feeling just as wound up as I did when I arrived. I appreciate her advice, but short of turning up at Arabella’s house and demanding she see me, I’m lost.

“There’s something else,” I admit, needing to get it all off my chest today. “I’m having flashbacks of my mom. They’re all awful. Her passed out or so drunk she’s not making any sense.” The memories are haunting and unsettling, resurfacing at the most inconvenient times.

Her eyes meet mine, and I see the wash of sympathy. “I know it doesn’t feel like it, but this is progress,” she reassures me. “Since you started with me, you haven’t been able to remember a thing, right? Now you can. I know some of these flashbacks might be shocking, but your subconscious is trying to work through them so you can process the trauma you experienced as a child.”

I let out a sigh, still feeling overwhelmed. “What am I supposed to do about it?”

“Some people find it helpful to keep a notebook and write down things they remember or things that trigger certain memories.”

“Do I look like the journaling kind of guy to you, Maeve?”

She laughs. “I don’t know, Kobe, you can be whoever you want to be. If this stuff helps, why not try it. It couldhelp you express your emotions about your new friend as well.”

“You know, my whole life I have been terrified of getting too close to a girl because I knew how fucked up my parents’ marriage was. Not because I remembered, because I didn’t, but I knew from what my brothers said about it. About how messed up my mother was. I didn’t want another person to rely on or have someone who relied on me. I’m a lot to take, you know. Too much for most. But I thought Arabella was different. I thought she could handle me.”

“She might still surprise you,” she says softly.

My chest restricts. “What if she doesn’t?” I whisper.

“Then we cross that bridge when we come to it.” She smiles warmly toward me.

I stare back at Maeve, thinking about my dad. I wonder if he ever wanted to run from my mom. She was hard work, always relapsing, but from what my brothers tell me, he never gave up on her. He stayed in a living hell because he loved the woman. God only knows why, but he did. Could Arabella ever feel that strongly for someone as fucked up as me? Will she come back to me now that she knows the truth?

After my session with Maeve, I don’t feel any less restless than when I arrived. I know I can’t let Arabella sit and dwell on everything for too long; she might decide to run. I need to show her I’m worth staying for. I arrive at the stadium where Jett will compete for the middleweight champion title tonight. We have been working toward this for two and a half years, and after his last chance was screwed up because of the situation with Hazel and Liam King, he needs my support more than ever. This is his night, and I know I need to switchoff everything else and support him. But first, I need to know things are okay with Arabella. I dial Hazel’s number, tapping my leg impatiently as I wait for her to answer.

“Hey, shouldn’t you have your phone off? Jett said no calls today so he can focus,” Hazel answers, all chirpy.

“Hazel, I need you to go to Bella’s place and check on her. Try to get her to come to the fight tonight,” I ask her, knowing how desperate I sound, but right now, I don’t even care. Iamdesperate, and I feel like Bella’s the only one who can help me.

“Why can’t you?” she asks, a sassy curiosity in her tone.

I kick the dirt on the sidewalk. “I’m not sure she’s talking to me,” I admit reluctantly.

“What did you do?” she presses, sounding annoyed with me. She’s on her side already. Typical.

“Nothing. Just get her, make sure she comes, okay?”

She goes quiet for a second. “I don’t believe you,” she says skeptically. “But I like her, and I think you're cute together, so I’ll do it because I believe in true love, no matter how you find it.”

“This isn’t love, Hazel,” I argue, not wanting to have this conversation with Hazel before I have it with Arabella.

“Keep telling yourself that, Kobe,” she dismisses my protest. “But if you could hear the despair in your voice, you would know it is.” With that, she disconnects the call. Just like Hazel to call it like she sees it then hang up so she can have the last word.

I type out a quick text to her.

Me: It’s not love!

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