Page 42 of Higher Notes

Jason’s song was a real eye opener.

I felt like such a fool. It was so hard to shake the constant voice in my mind constantly telling me I was worthless and a burden. But if I dared say that aloud they’d both kick my ass.

For some odd reason, they loved my old broken ass.

“What are you thinking about so hard over there?” Jason and Sikes swapped drivers when we hit Warm Springs, Oregon. Currently Sikes was snoring from the backseat folded up like a pretzel. I envied the fact that he could fall right to sleep and in damn near any position.

“Just shit. Hoping once we’re settled in the new place my anxiety calms the fuck down.”

“Is it the uprooting that’s made you anxious or the moving in together?”

I sat there for a few minutes, contemplating his question. “My gut is telling me it’s the uprooting and my heart says once we’re in our own place I’ll be better.” Fucking heart better be right. “I’m ready for this and I love being around your family.”

“Our family,” Jason corrected me. “The twins are obsessed with their Wyatt and Mr. Sniper.”

Kids really were amazing. It fucking gutted me that abuse even happened. Said he who was…

“They’re really great. Dana…”

Jason cut me off. “Mom.”

Kinda weird to call someone Mom who was the same age as me.

“Mom looks tired. I hate that we’re leaving when we are, too, but hopefully she’ll be able to sleep more and worry less now.”

“She is but I can’t begin to tell you how excited I am that we’re able to give them a better life. Makes all the years of working multiple jobs and busting my ass to get the band signed more than worth it.”

“Does it weird you out we’re the same age as your mom?” Inquiring minds and all that.

“No. Age is just a number. What I feel for you and Sikes can’t be explained. It’s like you guys fill the void I’d fought to acknowledge for so long. We slid into place as a triad like perfectly cut puzzle pieces. Maybe I’m just weird but I fucking love what we have and what we’re working toward. You sure you’re okay with all of this?”

“It’s the only thing I’m okay with anymore. I drove Sikes nuts until we finally got with you. Now I’ve gone from antsy to, hell, I don’t even know what to call it.” It was nice to sleep last night—nightmare free. Hopefully this new dose was what my psyche required, and I wouldn’t have to go up another notch. For some I’d seen the higher dosages basically zombify them. That wouldbe the end of life as I’d known it. “I think I just need regimen again.”

“But we’ll be back on the road in a few weeks. How is that considered regimen?”

“Think of me like a spreadsheet. Sikes puts the schedule together and I adhere to it. I need that structure in order to function. Not sure that makes any sense but structure and balance are like a security blanket to me and having him handle everything may not be fair, but it works for us. He’s the caretaker and I’m the one in dire need of being taken care of.” Jesus, saying those words aloud made me sound like a total basket case.

“No, I totally get it. For me it’s like I’ve had to take care of everyone for so long that having him come in and basically take over most of what I handled was like I could breathe again. I’m just afraid of unknowingly taking advantage of his kind heart.”

“That’s impossible,” came from the backseat as Sikes unfolded himself. “I like taking care of both of you. It’s in my nature.”

“You say that now but when you’ve got three kids to deal with and extra mouths to feed…”

Sikes cut Jason off. “I’ll love it even more. I thrive on being needed and knowing that those I love are well taken care of.” He yawned and checked his watch. “I’ll let Mickey know we’re an hour out.”

One cat nap later and Sikes was wide awake. God how I envied that man. He had demons, too, don’t get me wrong, but somehow the meds and exercises worked better for him.

“Hey,” Jason took my hand and pressed his lips to the back of it. “We love you. Don’t ever forget that.”

I was like a blushing teen. “I’ll try. I love you guys, too.” Sikes squeezed my shoulder, and Jason kept my hand in his as he drove. Protected. That was how their love made me feel. Now toget that feeling to seep deep into my soul and soothe it just as the words in Jason’s song had.

He wrote a song about me, about us. That alone was beyond amazing.

It was high time to take control of these fucking demons and prove I was worth their love to Jason and Sikes or at least, to myself. They already believed I was.

We gave our names at the guard shack and were directed back to Mickey’s house. They were in the same neighborhood as Diamond and Easton, and Joey and Stoli. Kinda cool that the Social Sinners band lived this close to each other. Bet that made it hella easier for their guards, though each couple did have their own now.

When we pulled up their driveway gate rolled open and out came Mickey, River, and Benny. Of course, Benny was bouncing around in his usual exuberant style. That was a whole lot of energy rolled into a tiny ball of mischief. But what worked for their triad was all that mattered and they were crazy in love with each other.

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