Page 81 of Gunner

“She was seventeen when we met, but I didn’t touch her until she was eighteen. I’m not a fucking pedo.” He sat on the bed and threw himself back so he was lying on it. “She was eighteen when we got married, and I was twenty-six.”

“What about Marsha? Did you love her?”

We didn’t have enough time to delve into the power imbalance of his relationship with Sam just yet.

“No. We were only together a few months when she got pregnant. I never wanted kids. I told her that. When she told me she was pregnant, I left.” His hands covered his face as he lay back on the bed.

“But you never had that talk with Sam? Why?”

“’Cause I’m a fucking asshole.”

“Derek?” I waited for him to respond, and when he didn’t, I added firmness to my voice.

“Derek, I need you to sit up.”

Another moment or two passed before he finally relented and sat up. Taking a deep breath, he looked me in the eye, waiting for my judgment.

He would be waiting a long time. It wasn’t my place to judge. My job was to guide my patients in healing their trauma.

“You are not an asshole.”

When he opened his mouth, I held up my hand.

“My turn to speak.” I didn’t usually talk abruptly to my patients, well, not the women, anyway. But I found with men, it helped them open up if I met them on their playing field.

“Everything you went through from the time you started forming memories in your hippocampus has contributed to who you are today. Most people will use that as an excuse to act the way they want. Giving no regard to how they treat anyone. They show no remorse. They are assholes. You feel guilt, shame, remorse. All those emotions are what prove you are a good man who has done some terrible things. It doesn’t make you irredeemable. Your past explains why you did the things you did, but it doesn’t excuse them. You can seek forgiveness. I believe that Jack and Sam both want to grant you that forgiveness. That was why Jack approached me about meeting with you.”

“I don’t deserve their forgiveness.”

“Everyone deserves forgiveness if they are truly asking for it. But you also need to forgive yourself.”

“Don’t think that’s possible.”

I smiled brightly at the man. “That’s what I’m here for.”

I hopped off the dresser, and Derek stood.

“We tackled a lot today, Derek. You may be feeling like we did nothing, but trust me, this was a great start.” I walked to the nightstand and opened the drawer, pulling out my appointment book. I was a paper and pen kind of girl. No matter how much I tried to go digital, writing things down helped me remember them.

“Let’s start with once a week and see how you feel. We can always up the appointments if you feel you need to talk more.”

“Ok.”

We agreed on a date and time, and I assured him I would have a different option for meeting, other than my bedroom at the clubhouse. This could work out great for Aspen as well. She would need to get used to me not being there all the time. An hour here or there would be a small steppingstone that wouldn’t put too much pressure on her.

Leaving the room, Derek and I walked down the hallway, chatting about superficial things. He told me about the house he was building for Jack and Sam and how excited he was for the new niece or nephew that was on the way.

When we entered the main room, there were quite a few brothers that had returned. The tension in the room skyrocketed when they saw me with Derek.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Zero growled.

I heard Derek sigh. “Just talking with the doc.”

“Does Gunner know you’re with him?”

“It’s none of Gunner’s business,” I argued

The front door opened, and Jack, Sam, and Charlie walked in and stopped.

---