Page 18 of Forever Mine

We had been quiet for so long that I startled Dakota and he jumped a bit before looking at me.

“I know you don’t, baby.”

“I’ll probably do it again. I don’t wanna. But I’ll probably get scared again and do something to try and fuck this up. Please don’t let me.”

It wasn’t fair to put that on him. I needed to be responsible for my own actions and consequences. I shouldn’t expect him to keep picking up the pieces, but I didn’t know what else to do.

Kota didn’t answer right away, which I appreciated. He thought about exactly what he was gonna say before saying it. “I can promise I’ll always call you out on it, but baby, you gotta put in the work too. As much as I’d love to be able to carry it all and ease you of this burden. I can’t. Most of it’s in here.” He tapped my temple.

I sucked in my lip ring. I was so sick and tired of always being a hot mess. I didn’t notice it much when it was just Beck, Ri, and me. We were all fucked. At any given time, one of us was always going through something. Sometimes it was my turn to hold down the fort, and sometimes it was my turn to be screwed up. It just was what it was.

With Dakota though, it was so one-sided. He had all his shit together. Most of his fears and insecurities stemmed from me and my asshole behavior. He had a college degree for fuck’s sake. He had a real job with benefits and everything. He talked to his ma on the phone a few times a week, and it wasn’t just her screaming at him for not giving her money for more booze. If I wanted it to work, I hadto get my ass in gear. I couldn’t keep expecting Kota to pick up the pieces after I shattered everything.

“I know. I—I’ll try. I wanna try.”

Dakota smiled at me. A genuine smile. Something unfurled in my chest and that weight pressing on me eased some. “That’s good. That’s all I want.” Kota hesitated, but it was clear he wanted to bring something else up. He squeezed my hand and took a deep shuddery breath.

“I’m going to bring something up that I don’t think you’ll like. Please, just listen. For me?”

Dread replaced the lightness that was starting to come, but I still nodded. I owed that to Kota. He wouldn’t be bringing whatever it was up if he didn’t think it was important.

“I think you should consider getting help. From a therapist.”

I shut down. It was like a brick wall dropped between Kota and me, and if he hadn’t wrapped his limbs around me like a fucking octopus, holding me in place, I probably would have bolted.

But he knew me well enough to know he’d have to physically restrain me to get through my initial panic. I squeezed my eyes shut, unable to look him in the eyes with those words lingering between us.

I forced myself to calm down, to get my heart rate to slow down. Dakota squeezed me tighter. I had to think logically. He knew how I felt about that. There was a good reason he brought it up. This was Kota. I promised him I’d try to stop ruining us. I couldn’t break my promise less than a minute later.

“I can’t...” The words were barely a whisper, but he heard them. “Beck…”

“I know. I completely understand, I really do. But, baby, you need some help.”

“You are helping.” Which again, wasn’t fucking fair to him. “And Beck and Riley.”

“We aren’t trained professionals. I love you, and I’d do anything to help, but half the time I feel like I’m just making things worse. I understand your hesitation, but it’s like everything else. That fucker was an exception. An awful, vile, sick exception. But we’d do all the research, I’d be there, right in the waiting room with you. Or, you can even go to the therapist Riley’s dad had mentioned.”

After the incident, Wes had been pushing his son and Beckett to talk to someone. Like me, they’d been resistant, but apparently Luca had a therapist on his payroll that had pretty much talked to his entire team at one point or another. That wouldn’t be so bad. Plus, Wes had promised we wouldn’t be billed. Because fuck that shit. Money might not be as tight, but I ain’t got those type of funds.

I opened my eyes and forced myself to look at Dakota. He looked weary but determined. This was important to him.

“Can I think about it?”

I felt the tension ease off him. I hadn’t even agreed yet, but by not outright refusing, I made him happy. I could do this. I could stop being such a selfish fuck and become a better boyfriend for Kota, because he deserved that.

“Of course. Thank you.”

My stomach dipped, and I kissed him. “Please don’t thank me for that.”

Dakota just shrugged but let it go.

I could’ve happily just laid in bed all day, but my stomach had other ideas, and not long after we stopped talking, my stomach growled, reminding me I hadn’t eaten anything. Kota laughed.

“Oh yeah, we never ate breakfast.”

“Do you think the food you made is still good?” It had been sitting on the table for fuck knows how long now.

Dakota wrinkled his nose. “Yeah, probably not. It’s okay. My mom sent a bunch of leftovers. It’s pretty much lunchtime now anyway.”

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