Page 14 of Forever Mine

I wasn’t sure how long we sat on the floor of my dining/living area before Jay finally spoke.

“Sorry,” he mumbled into my shoulder.

I kissed the top of his head. “Shh, love. You have nothing to apologize for.”

He shook his head but didn’t say anything else.

My ass was starting to fall asleep, and I had to imagine Jay’s knees were killing him. Besides, the way he had himself twisted like a pretzel was probably uncomfortable.

“Let’s go back to bed.” Jay shrugged, which was as good as I was going to get.

It took some doing but he eventually sat up and I was able to slide out from underneath him. As soon as we were both standing, I immediately took his hand again. Distance wouldn’t be good right now.

I ignored the plates of ice-cold breakfast and the toast still on the floor, and led Jay back to my room. Before I put him back in bed, I carefully reached for the band of his sweats. I watched his face for any apprehension. But there was none. There wasn’t much of anything. His bloodshot and puffy hazel eyes stared right through me.

“I don’t want anything in between us right now,” I explained gently, even though Jay didn’t protest. I pushed his pants down, and he lifted his legs one at a time, the movement enough for me to feel confident he understood what was happening. I tossed them to the side and shoved my own joggers off. It seemed neither of us had bothered with underwear.

When we were both naked, I cupped his blotchy, tear-streaked cheeks and waited till I was sure he was looking at me. “I’m right here, love. Just you and me. I love you.”

He made a choking sound in the back of his throat, but I just kissed him, soft and gentle, and with all the feeling I could muster. “I love you.” I said again.

Jay didn’t respond, not that I expected him to. I wasn’t saying that over and over to get him to say ‘I love you’ back. I hoped if I kept repeating it, he’d eventually believe me.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated, and I wondered if he even knew what he was apologizing for.

I kissed him again. “It’s okay, baby. It’ll be okay. Let’s go to bed.”

He nodded, and I got us both back into my bed and under the covers.

We wrapped around each other so there wasn’t an inch of space between us. His soft cock rubbed up against my thigh, but that was the last thing either of us were thinking about. We were face to face, our noses touching.

For a while, we didn’t talk. We just lay there, the only sounds in the room are our hearts beating and soft breaths. I never lost eye contact with Jay. I barely blinked. I was afraid if I looked away he would disappear.

“I don’t want to lose you.” His voice was raw, probably from the crying, and he sounded so fucking vulnerable. I held him tighter.

“You’re not. That’s what I keep trying to tell you.”

“I-I know. I’ll try harder to believe it.”

I rubbed our noses together, my heart clenching in my chest. “That’s all I want, Jay. Just for you to try.”

He was quiet again for a while, his eyes drifting closed. I started to believe he fell asleep when they fluttered open again. “There’s so many changes happening. Good changes. I’m terrified to give in to them, ’cause that’s exactly when they’ll be taken away, and when that happens I’ll have nothin’. I wanna let go of all that shit. I want to be able to trust you. To trust the fancy new apartment and that I’ll survive on just the factory salary without the fuckin’ sub shop or the dealing. But if I let it all go, I got nothin’, Dakota. If I lose you, I have nothin’. I don’t know how to survive losing you.”

I’d never been more afraid than I was right then. Even as Jay clung to me so tightly I could feel his chest expanding and his breath was hot on my face. I prayed I was reading too much between the lines, but I didn’t think so. He was saying if he lost me he didn’t have anything else worth living for.

It was an unfair amount of pressure to put on a person. And it was bullshit. He didn’t just have me, and if he wasn’t so emotionally vulnerable, I’d point that out. But I was pretty sure that would only have the opposite effect on him in his current state. He didn’t need other lifelines. He needed me.

Everything I learned in psychology was in the forefront of my mind. If I condoned this, I’d be encouraging an unhealthy codependency. The list went on and on about why that wasn’t good. I just—what else was I supposed to do? Fuck, if I couldn’t get Jay to go to a therapist, maybe I should go? I was at such a fucking loss.

Staring into Jay’s eyes now, so filled with vulnerability and hopelessness, I knew what I was going to do, regardless of whether it was right. I adjusted my legs and rolled us over so that Jay was on his back and I was on top of him, straddling him. I letmy entire body weight press against his slim frame. He may have been a lot taller than me, but I was pretty sure we weighed close to the same. Hell, I may have had a few pounds on him because I had a lot of condensed muscle in my stockier build. I made sure Jay felt every single bit of that. I balanced myself on my elbows and brought my forehead to touch his.

Jay’s breath hitched, his eyes wide as he watched me. I swallowed, feeling more determined than ever before making a promise I had no idea if I could keep. “Trust me, Jay. I won’t let you fall.” Then I kissed him.

Jay melted into the mattress, his lips parted willingly as I dominated his mouth. His fingers curled into my hair holding me in place. I poured everything I had into that kiss, willing to make it all better. There was no such thing as a magic kiss, or a magic dick that would make things right for Jay or between us. This pain we were feeling wouldn’t disappear by the taste of his lips. It didn’t stop me from trying, though.

Jay seemed to be in the same mindset, his fingers tightening in my hair, to the point where it was a little painful, but it only made me smile. He was holding on, and not running. I’d take a little pain for that outcome every fucking time.

This wasn’t supposed to be sexual, but I was human, and with my sexy-as-sin boyfriend writhing underneath me completely naked—yeah, I was going to get hard. I tried to ignore it, but Jay didn’t.

---