Page 26 of Playing with Fire

She herself babbled about pretty much anything to fill in any lulls in the conversation, but no one seemed annoyed by it. In fact, any time Willa had opened her mouth to speak, Beckett ended up looking at her like she was responsible for hanging the stars in the sky. It was hard not to get caught up in that kind of gaze and on more than one occasion Willa found herself trailing off when their eyes met.

“What was I saying?” she asked the group. It was probably the sixth time Willa had uttered the question, but it was impossible to stay on track when Beckett treated her like a precious commodity.

Autumn and Felix shared a conspiratorial look before she turned to Willa with a smile. “You were talking about how Florida summers would bring out bugs the size of a shoe,” shereminded her with a shudder. “I don’t think I’ll ever complain about the occasional moth or spider we find in our apartment ever again.”

“Yes, you will,” Felix told her with a knowing smile. “And I’ll still scoop them up and take them outside for you.” When he finally pulled his eyes away from his friend, he looked back over at Willa quizzically. “Since you’re from Florida, I assume you’ve been to Disney World. Is it worth the trip? My folks took us to Disneyland once, but I heard the park in Florida is ten times better.”

Suddenly, Willa’s throat seemed to close up on itself as the rest of her body stiffened at the innocent mention of what most people refer to as the happiest place on Earth. She probably would have too if it weren’t for the one person she would probably forever associate with that particular theme park spoiling it for her forever.

Jeff had ruined a lot of things for Willa, and as she searched for an answer to Felix’s question, she wondered if she would always react that way every time someone mentioned it or anything else she associated with him. They had talked about Florida in generalities and she had been just fine. Yet, apparently, getting into specifics set her teeth on edge and made her chest squeeze so tightly she thought her ribs would crack.

“Wasn’t a fan of Disneyland. Too noisy,” Travis said gruffly. Willa’s eyes met his and she gave him a grateful nod, knowing he spoke to fill her silence.

Still nodding, Willa slid off the stool and grabbed her purse. “You might like it or you might not. I guess it all depends on your past experiences.” Beckett regarded her with concern, so she patted his arm to try and reassure him even as her lungs filled with panic. “I’m going to use the lady’s room. Be right back.”

Spinning on her heel, Willa made a beeline for thebathroom, trying to breathe steadily as she pushed her way through the heavy door. Pacing back and forth on the cement floor, the clicking of her heels echoed off the walls. “So stupid,” she whispered into the empty space.

Talking about an amusement park had her whole body shaking like a leaf and her heart beating against her chest. Turning on the faucet, Willa splashed a little cold water on her face to try and pull herself out of whatever frenzy she’d inadvertently slipped into, squeezing her eyes firmly shut when Jeff’s icy stare crept into her mind. Hoping to banish it as well as the anxiety coursing through her veins, Willa practiced the box breathing her therapist had led her through on more than one occasion. On the third round of breathing, the door to the bathroom opened, but before Willa could dread the thought of someone witnessing her little freak-out, a relieved breath whooshed from her lungs when she saw that it was Lottie.

“What happened?” she asked. Willa’s head tilted as she gave her friend a knowing look. Lottie’s face scrunched up with annoyance. “Ugh. Fucking Jeff.”

It was good that Lottie knew her so well because Willa didn’t think she could explain it to her. “I don’t know what happened,” Willa cried. After dabbing her cheeks with a paper towel, Willa ran it under her eyes to gather the moisture that had fallen without her permission. “Felix asked me about Disney World and the next thing I knew it felt like my lungs were collapsing.” The towel crumpled as her hands balled into fists before she ground them against the granite counter in front of her. “When will he stop affecting me like this?”

When she glanced over at Lottie, there was a look of empathy on her face. She didn’t have a horrible ex in her past like Willa, but she’d confided to her back in college that her parents had been pretty unavailable emotionally during her childhood and it still affected her often enough, so if anyone gotit, it was Lottie.

“I wish I could tell you it won’t ever happen again, but the truth is I just don’t know.” She reached out and pulled Willa into a hug, Lottie’s soft body feeling like it was cushioning the fall she’d just taken. Lottie lightly brushed over Willa’s hair, and she idly considered what a great mom her friend would be someday despite never having had the best example herself. Willa hoped that she would too, but kids wouldn’t happen if she couldn’t deal with this first. There was no way she was passing all her trauma onto another generation. “I do think it will get better with time, and it certainly helps that the man you’re with is one of the best I’ve ever met. In fact, he’s currently leaning against the wall outside looking like he wants to kick the ass of anyone who has ever wronged you.”

Willa huffed as she leaned out of the hug. “He is pretty great.” Beckett was better than great, he was fantastic and Willa felt awful that she had kind of ruined their night out with his family.

“Hey,” Lottie said, shaking her shoulders. “You’re pretty great too, so stop whatever it was you were just thinking about yourself.”

Sniffing, Willa finished dabbing her face and tossed the shredded towel. “It’s scary how well you know me sometimes. Are you sure you aren’t some kind of psychic witch or something?”

Lottie snorted as she swung open the door. “Psychic? No. A witch? Well, I guess it depends on the day and who you ask,” she sassed. “See you later.” She nodded at Beckett before giving Willa an unsubtle shove in his direction.

Even though she knew he wouldn’t be upset with her, she was still feeling small and vulnerable after her near panic attack. “Hey,” Willa mumbled.

She tried to avoid his gaze, but Beckett slipped a fingerunder her chin and tilted her eyes up to face him, regarding her shrewdly before pulling her into a hug. Willa’s arms wrapped around his large body automatically as she breathed in his clean linen scent, picturing him hanging sheets up to dry in the sun near a group of apple trees. The image suited him, and keeping it in her mind’s eye as she listened to the steady beat of his heart had her feeling much better than she had moments ago, though the memory of her hasty exit from the table still weighed heavy on her mind.

“Is your family wondering why you’re with such a basket case?” Willa knew she shouldn’t be mean to herself, but she couldn’t help it when triggering events happened.

“None of that, please,” Beckett scolded, but there was no heat in it. When Willa met his gaze again, he still had that look of adoration in his eyes. The look had her heartbeat slowing again, realizing that maybe she hadn’t scared him away with her particular brand of crazy just yet. “You are not a basket case. It’s not your fault that you’re afraid ofIt’s a Small World.”

Willa scoffed. “What are you talking about?” Beckett knew all about how Jeff had taken her to Disney World for their first date and many after, and he absolutely knew about how much she couldn’t stand the place now.

An amused smile played on his face. “I didn’t want to tell your story for you, so when Felix asked if he’d said something wrong, I told him you were afraid of all the animatronic dolls that look like kids.” He shrugged and Willa tried not to laugh at the thought of that being her greatest fear, though to be fair those things were a bit creepy. “It was the first thing that popped into my head.”

Willa chuckled and held him tighter. “It was a good thought,” she conceded. “They do look a little off.”

Beckett nodded solemnly. “It’s the eyes. There’s nothing behind them, like a serial killer’s.”

Willa’s head hit his chest as she started to laugh in earnest. “Please don’t say stuff like that,” she chuckled. “Now I’m going to have nightmares about possessed toddlers in wooden clogs chasing me down an alleyway or something.”

Beckett rubbed his hands up and down her back before kissing the top of her head. “Don’t worry. I’ll be with you and I think I can fend them off pretty well.” Willa could easily picture Beckett saving her from all kinds of evils, including creepy robot children.

“Part of your training at the fire academy?” she asked. They started back toward the table hand in hand, and the crushing weight of an impending panic attack was almost entirely forgotten.

“Something like that,” Beckett said. Their fingers still laced together, they rejoined the group and when Felix tried to apologize, Willa was able to wave him off with a laugh.

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