Page 20 of Playing with Fire

Beckett’s eyebrows came together as he studied her. “I’m so sorry, Willa.” Beckett held her tighter, her body relaxing under the reassuring pressure. He was like her very own weighted blanket in the form of a handsome man, and she was once again grateful for his patience as she took a minute to enjoy it. “You don’t have to keep going if you don’t want to, but I like knowing more about you, being able to understand where you’re coming from.”

He hadn’t needed to voice that for her to know it was true. Beckett’s supportive body language and gentle touch told her all that already. “I know,” she replied, leaning up to kiss his jaw. The stubble tickled her lips, and Willa would have loved to forget the seriousness of the moment and just lose herself in him again like she had last night, but this was too important to breeze past. “Thanks for saying so, but I need to get it out.”

Talking about it helpeda lot.Willa had already messaged her therapist for an appointment this week, but right now she needed to fill Beckett in so he could make an informed decision about whether he wanted to even pursue a relationship with her. She hoped he would, but the baggage she came with wasn’t exactly light. Willa had the gut feeling that he could carry it both physically and mentally, but that didn’t mean he would want to.

“It started out normally enough. We met and went out on a few dates, and things progressed like they were supposed to. The more time we spent together, the closer we seemed to get. Eventually, we moved in together.” She recalled the apartment that had always been more Jeff’s than hers, especially as he systematically removed nearly every one of her personalbelongings, and felt bile rising in her throat. “I’m still trying to parcel it out a little myself, but it just seemed like pieces of me started to get chipped away. We would go to the places I liked to eat less and less. He would ask me to dress a certain way for his company gatherings. That spilled over into him setting out my outfits for the day before I even got out of the shower. My music would disappear in favor of the classical records he preferred to listen to.”

Willa took a shuddering breath as more of the past came to the forefront of her mind. Seeming to sense her need, Beckett held her even closer and leaned his head against hers. His small gesture gave her the strength to continue. “At the same time, he would imply that I wasn’t capable of doing things for myself, or that I was overly forgetful and clumsy. When I would question where my clothes went or why it seemed like my stuff was disappearing, he would gaslight me into thinking I either gave them away or never had them in the first place.”

Moisture filled Willa’s eyes as she remembered the worst of it. “He would tell me not to have dessert because I was gaining weight and he was finding me less desirable. He would tell me to put on makeup because I looked tired and then imply I was trying to catch another man’s attention if I applied too much,” she sniffed. “And when we slept together, he would only ever take what he wanted. He gave me nothing in return, not caring that I never felt an ounce of pleasure.”

Once Jeff had started exerting his control, nothing was about Willa anymore, and that was especially true in the bedroom. The tears escaped silently as she recalled all the times he sought his own pleasure and left her wanting, always needy but never satisfied. Orgasms were something that happened on her own or not at all, and by the end when they would have sex, Willa may as well have been on another planet.

Beckett reached under Willa’s chin, turning her to facehim before dragging his thumbs over her wet cheeks and cupping them gently with his hands. “I know there isn’t anything that I can say to make it better for you or take away the pain he caused, but God I wish there was. You deserved so much better than that, sweetheart. You still do.”

A sad smile came across Willa’s face, her lower lip wobbling as she placed her hands over his. “I know, but thanks for saying it all the same.”

Beckett nodded, his concerned expression filling with pain. “Did I…?” he trailed off. His eyes darted away from hers before coming back, and only then did Willa realize the pain he felt wasn’t just for her. “DoI make you feel the same way you did with him? Is that why you left?”

“No!” Willa shouted instantly, startling him a little. Beckett had withdrawn slightly, and that was the last thing she wanted right then. Grabbing his hands and squeezing them as tightly as she possibly could, Willa stared him down intently. “No, Beck. You made me—” Her throat constricted as she pushed back the guilt from leaving again, knowing she needed to move past it. “Youmakeme feel so much the opposite of how he did. You make me feel safe, and cared for,” Willa stopped before she could sayand lovedbecause it was way too soon for that, even if it was kind of true. “You make me feel like I can be myself with you. That’s why I left. I could easily see myself falling for a guy like you. Honestly, that scares the shit out of me.”

Beckett smiled sadly as he gave her hands a reassuring squeeze. “Because you don’t trust me, or trust a relationship with me?”

It was a fair question, one she wasn’t sure she had the answer to. “I don’t know what I trust yet,” Willa admitted. “My mind is such a crazy jumble of ‘what ifs’ and ‘what-could-bes’ that I don’t know which way is up half the time.” She looked forward to the day when she wasn’t constantly second-guessingherself, but she knew that might be a long way off.

Beckett nodded. “I see.” His face was understanding, but his eyes held disappointment. Willa couldn’t clear everything up in one conversation, but she could ease his worry a bit.

“I would like to try and figure it out though,” she told him, smiling when his eyes brightened. “If you’re still interested.”

Willa didn’t even have time to question his interest because Beckett was already shaking his head and huffing a slightly amused breath. “If I’m still interested, she says.” He looked at her pointedly before pulling her into his side again. “I’ve been interested from moment one, and everything you just told me hasn’t changed that one bit. If anything, I appreciate knowing what you’ve been through so I can understand what might trigger a bad memory.” He gave her a sad smile. “Like how maybe me saying ‘tell me you didn’t walk home’ was a bit of a misstep, even if it was only out of concern.”

Wincing slightly at the memory of how she reacted, Willa nodded. “Yes.” She leaned into him again, her head resting on his shoulder. “I don’t know what will trigger me or when, but it seems like any implication, even the slightest one, that I don’t know what I’m doing or that I’m not capable of taking care of myself really puts me on edge.” Her jaw still ached from clenching it as tightly as she had at his non-admonishment.

Beckett’s chest rose and fell deeply before his head rested against hers. “I see.” He ran his thumb over the back of her hand before lifting it to his mouth and placing a kiss there. “I guess that just means I’ll have to make sure I’m not talking out of my ass and things will be smooth sailing.”

Willa chuckled at the lightness in his tone, the action unknotting the last of the ball of nerves that had settled into her chest as they spoke of her past. “Sounds like a solid plan to me.”

A comfortable silence settled upon them as they sat in one another’s arms and processed their conversation. Finally,Beckett shifted and looked down at her. “We can take this one day at a time, Willa. I can’t promise I won’t make mistakes, but I can promise I will do my level best to learn from them. Just tell me what you need when you need it, and I’ll try to give it to you.”

“Okay,” she breathed out. Marveling at this amazing man, Willa placed her hand over his heart, hoping that she would be able to keep from hurting it again. “Will you do the same?”

“I will,” Beckett vowed, kissing her forehead. “So, in that vein, what do you need right now?”

Staring up at the gorgeous man and having her hands on him had memories from the night before flashing through her mind. Shifting on the sofa, Willa ran her hand through his hair and leaned closer to him, making her voice low and sultry. “Right now I kind of need to forget all this serious stuff and just relax for a little while. Do you think you can help me with that?”

Beckett’s heart thumped against her palm and his eyes darkened a shade. “I know I can,” he promised.

Standing, Willa reached down for him, already feeling better the moment his hand slipped into hers. As she led him to her bedroom, the lightness that she had started to feel spread throughout her body. For now, things between the two of them were on more solid ground.

Chapter Thirteen

~Beckett~

Once again music was blaring through the speakers of the fire station, this time in the fitness room. Only instead of it being one of the chief’s typical 1980s nostalgia tracks, the probie had opted to play something from his own catalog. He assured Beckett that the country song they were listening to was all the rage, but the pitchy vocals and subpar lyrics didn’t help make the man’s case. Still, Beckett was no musician himself, so he tried to keep an open mind about it while he worked at the bench press lest he turn into one of those guys screaming about “kids these days and their awful music.”

Letting the low strum of the guitar fade into the background, Beckett focused on the stretch and burn of his pectoral and shoulder muscles as he lifted the heavy metal bar above his chest. It had been a couple of days since he’d hit the weights really hard, and it felt good to get a workout in. Of course, Beckett had been keeping his body in shape in other, far more pleasurable ways, but since he was on shift for the next twenty-four hours, working off any tension with Willa wasn’t exactly an option.

After their talk on Sunday afternoon, Willa pulled him back into her bedroom where Beckett helped her forget all about her past. The simple act of just being with her had him thinking all about the future,theirfuture. Listening to her talk about her ex and how manipulative and cruel he had been made his blood boil. Beckett was not a violent person, he’d never even thrown a punch, but hearing her recount all the ways in which Willa’s ex made her feel small, watching her body curl into itself and tremble at the memories of it had his fists balling up so tightly that he thought he might fracture a finger.

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