Page 157 of Veil of Death and Shadow

She was alone in that suffering. Sora and I at least always had each other.

But Wrath was . . . ruthless.

As much as I didn’t recognize my old friend inside of this new iteration of her, I made a solemn vow to myself not to judge her too harshly. We all had to make decisions, allegiances in this new world. Ones that, in the past, might have seemed impossible to the versions of ourselves we used to be.

I trusted that she would help. Was it possible that Wrath’s followers would use Sora’s possible imprisonment as justification to start the war that had been brewing between them and Lust? Probably. But if it would lead to Sora’s safety, I didn’t care.

Maybe that made me just as ruthless as the rest of Wrath.

Right now, Sora was all that I could bring myself to focus on.

Because if I let my thoughts wander anywhere else, they turned only to the suffocating reality that I was, quite literally this time, being followed by Death. As haunting as Death’s presence always was, it had never made me feel personally victimized. I had never been the one Death was after, not directly. Tangentially, yes, but it was strange now, realizing that my life was the one at stake.

And an awful, sinking part of me thought that it might be right, justified even. I’d brought death to so many people’s doors, it seemed only fair that it be my turn now.

But faced with the very real probability that I would be running towards my own demise in a few hours, I couldn’t help but feel a piercing fear. There’d been many nights over the years, when I laid awake in bed, reflecting on my death. Nights when I almost wanted it, thought that it might make the world better.Nights where my own grief ached so sharply, that death seemed like the only way to release my body from the pain. Those nights had always haunted me after, the guilt of those thoughts crawling over my skin and sinking into my pores like a poison.

Now, faced with the inevitable reality, I couldn’t help but linger on a different guilt. Assuming we could rescue Sora, I’d be finding her, just to lose her forever. And Menace—what would become of him? He could survive on his own, sure, and I knew that Sora would take care of him, but realizing that I wouldn’t be there, that they’d have to reshape their lives without me, that I’d be putting the people I loved in the same position Amto Amani and so many others had put me—it was harrowing. Suffocating, enough to bring me to my knees.

But it also helped, in some small way, to know that when I was gone, Sora wouldn’t be alone. Her sister was alive. Here. And she still cared about her enough to abandon her project of alienating us long enough to rescue her. Maybe they could shape something new in the future, a different relationship than the one they had growing up, certainly, but something just as strong, just as tender. Sora wasn’t the sort to let Rina go, no matter what shit she was involved in now. And no one was strong enough to resist Sora’s affection. She had a way of grabbing hold of someone and forcing them to see their worth, their importance. They’d be okay again, one day.

“You should be sleeping.” Kieran’s voice pierced the quiet.

I was lying on the couch, because I couldn’t bring myself to rest on the bed—not without ruminating on the lives of those who’d abandoned it. My eyes were closed, but I supposed I shouldn’t be surprised that Keiran could tell I was awake.

When I abandoned the ruse, I glanced towards the voice, spotting him leaning against the doorway, half-covered in shadow. Thorne didn’t appear to be in the living room, but I had no doubt that he hadn’t gone far.

The sight of Kieran there, studying me like a zoo animal, only amplified the uncomfortable tension whirling in my stomach, choking my breath. I latched onto all the suffocating fear and confusion, lassoed it and morphed into something else: rage.

“Don’t you mean I should be dying?” I shot back, feeling almost satisfied at his flinch. “What use is sleep when we both know I don’t have much time left.”

“Agony.” He stepped forward, stopping when I shot up into a seated position, pinning him with my glare. “You can’t seriously consider going after Sora. You will die; don’t you get that?” His hand flexed, and though I couldn’t see it beyond where his sleeve opened at his wrist, I knew that the dark veins had only wound themselves higher. “This isn’t something to fuck with. Why are you running towards danger when you know it will only lead to one fate. Just stay here.” He shook his head, his jaw hard. “Better yet, go home. Lock yourself in your apartment.Stay safe.” Then, in a soft whisper that seemed more directed to himself than to me, he added, “I don’t want you to die.”

“No.” I stood up, my arms shaking with rage. I couldn’t even bring myself to meet his stare. “You don’t get to tell me how to live what remains of my life. You don’t get a say. You don’t get anything from me. I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want to see you. I don’t want you around.”

Before he had a chance to respond, I turned to the front door, slamming it behind me as I stepped outside. I couldn’t go far. Rina told me to stay on this property, and if I wanted a chance to go after Wrath with her and the other recruits, I knew I had to obey that order. I also knew that Kieran couldn’t stay far from me, as much as I wanted him to. And that I was taking my anger out on him, even the bits of it he hadn’t earned.

But at least out here, I didn’t see him. At least out here, I had the illusion of freedom from the thing he represented.

The air was cool, crisp, and the darkest edges of the sky were slowly turning into a grayish haze. The sun would be up in maybe thirty or forty minutes, which meant that Rina would be back; that we’d be leaving soon.

I dropped down on the front stoop, the rough cement uncomfortable and cold against my hands.

As it always did, my thumb found my ring, twisting the small beads over and over—a soothing balm. For the first time in a long time, I let my thoughts drift to Levi. It felt safer now, to linger on those memories, now that I knew there wasn’t much of a future before me. No reason to pretend I might one day find someone else, might one day have the semblance of that kind of connection.

Not that I would have ever let myself fall for someone like that again. He’d been the closest anyone had gotten—the only one in a decade, other than Sora, to chisel their way into my chest and carve out a home.

But he’d left. That home abandoned and forgotten, just like the one at my back.

It was an odd, indescribable feeling, living through what might be my last night. Everything felt so much sharper than usual, but also more separate from me. Like I was already gone, observing the world from outside of it.

I buried my head between my legs, fighting to suck in even breaths. It was only then, when my cheeks pressed up against my forearms, that I realized they were wet.

I was crying. The realization only made the tears fall faster.

“So, you’re actually going to do this,” a deep, snarky voice asked. “Drag out your death, waste what could be your last moments charging into what will almost certainly bring about your demise? Just ask him to end it now. If you do, he might.”

Swallowing back a sob, I jolted my head up.

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