Page 139 of Only Ever You

Her flat had always been bold – a mad burst of colour around her – and yet as she sat in silence and replayed every word she’d said to Bash today, it all looked washed out. She’d texted him that she was home likehe’d asked, but these three rooms weren’t “home” anymore.

Nothing was right.

There was too much silence; no jazz lulling her into a sense of comfort from the corner. The sofa was as solid as a rock. The air was musty and specks of dust touched every surface. There was no way that her bed would be warm tonight.Fuck.All of her toiletries, her toothbrush, her good skincare – they were all at Bash’s house.

She hadn’t broken up with him – that was so far removed from what Faye’d wanted. But the words,I think we should get married,had made her panic. He’d been so whimsical about it, as if legally binding himself to her for the rest of his life was no different to deciding which takeaway to order that night. What he’d said about already knowing he wanted to spend his life with her hadn’t been surprising, nor had how he felt like they’d known each other all their lives.

Her food sat in her mouth as Faye reminded herself to chew.

When Bash was all in, he wasall in.She’d felt the force of his love all of the way in the deepest crevices of her heart. But today he’d moved way too fast for her to keep up.

He’d leapt years into the future when she was still trying to figure out next week.

Literally.

All she’d done was try to be honest with him, conveyed as best as she could find the words for that she simply wasn’t ready to be his wife. The points she’d made had been rational, Faye was sure of it. She wouldn’t take any of them back if she could relive the moment in her office again, and she wouldn’t ever ask Bash to give up on his dreams. Just … delay them a little while?

More certainty.Time.That’s all she needed.

The room was barely bright enough to see the bottom of her dinner when she took the empty plastic to the kitchen, flicking on lamps as she went. Mountains of clothes that she’d thrown into her bedroom in her haste between seeing Bash and getting to and from work in the last few days had piled up just inside of the door.

Her phone beeped in the pocket of her backpack on the kitchen table but Faye ignored it for taking ice cream from her freezer instead. It’d only be Bash confirming he’d seen her text, or Ellie who’d ignored her insistence that she was fine in lieu of coming over tonight.

Faye should smarten up the place – and herself – before her step-sister saw the state of her and thought she was having some sort of crisis.

I can’t simply be casual with you, Faye. Not when how I feel is so intense. In my heart for all these years, I have belonged to you, Peanut.

Mulling over her own life was exhausting. Examining her childhood brought up old memories of yelling at the dinner table and sitting in the corners of dark, grey solicitors’ offices whilst her parents argued over what day she was allowed to gohereand which week she should gothere. Faye didn’t think that her constant need for reassurance that a relationship wouldn’t turn out the same as theirs would ever be satisfied.

Those memories had been a constant shadow following her around since she’d first kissed a boy. Every time that she’d thought,okay, maybe this one could be the one,she’d glanced over her shoulder and seen the shadow watching her, telling her that she was wrong.

The noise of the shared front door opening made her jump amongst her blankets and cushions before assuring herself it would just be one of her neighbours coming home.

What else is there to get to know?Bash’s words still lingered in her thoughts as she dug her spoon into the Eaton mess flavoured tub.

Who we are as a couple.

It didn’t matter how in love they were, or how well they knew each other from their friendship; Faye didn’t know what day Bash preferred to do his laundry on, or how much he’d expect her to contribute financially to their relationship when those scales were tipped so far against her.

What would he say if they struggled one day to have children? It would ruin Bash to not be a father. They always used condoms, and as far as Faye knew, her possibility of children was considered normal, but what if they never happened? She needed to know that he wouldn’t love her any less.

She might be thinking too rationally, but when all she knew of marriage was lawyers and heartbreak, how else was she supposed to think?

They’d only experienced a fraction of how they fitted together in their daily lives this week. That wasn’t to say that their worlds couldn’t overlap; but how would they know if they didn’t have enough chances to try? It was hardly achievable to learn these things with the impending distance of the country wedging itself between them.

Faye wiped away a cold tear that escaped from her eye. Asking for a more casual relationship was right, but that didn’t stop it from hurting like she grieved a loss that hadn’t happened yet.

Moving too quickly in love would never end well – the results weren’t worth the gamble. But then she had to remind herself that this wasBashwho she’d be spending her life with. Loveable, constant, stableBash.

Perhaps it was him who she could change her mind for …

Her front door slammed open and rattled all of the mirrors and pictures on the walls.

Faye screamed. Blankets tangled themselves between her legs as she sprang to her feet.

“Tell me.Everything.”

“Maisie?” she yelled as her friend waltzed into the flat. “The door isn’t that strong enough for you to?—”

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