Page 8 of Capitally Unexpected

Her perfunctory nod is all business and contains no judgment, which is a huge relief. “Okay, I’ll make a note, so you don’t get asked anymore. Assuming you decide to continue returning for these appointments.”

Her tone indicates she’s not referring to finding another practice. One page of my notebook is dedicated to this, but as I continued to fill up the other pages with additional subjects and questions, that one page stayed the same.

“I think you’ll be stuck with me for the next thirty-ish weeks. I’m going to make a final decision based on what we learn today. It’s reassuring to know I’m in the care of someone who recognizes all options.”

She nods again, makes another few notes on her tablet, then turns to me. “All right then. I’m going to head out to give you some privacy to change. When I get back, we’ll do the exam, and I’ll take some measurements to see if we can narrow down an estimated due date.”

I can’t help the laugh that escapes. “Oh, I can tell you the date, or at least the twelve hours of conception. There’s only one option.”

Dr. Barber smiles kindly. “That does make the math a biteasier. But we’ll still check on things and make sure you have a picture or two to head home with. Here’s a gown to change into, and I’ll be sure to grab some clean instruments from next door.” With a wink, she pushes back in her chair and shuts the door softly behind her.

I take a deep breath and after hiding my underwear—seriously, why do we do that?—I hop up on the exam table.

“You got this, Michelle.” I hype myself up and stare at a spot on the ceiling while focusing on my breath. In and out.

There’s a knock on the door before Dr. Barber sticks her head in. After seeing I’m ready, she slides through the opening of the door and another young woman in rose scrubs follows.

“This is Sabrina,” the doctor says. Sabrina waves and smiles a kind smile before rolling over a machine. When she reaches the exam table, she says, “We’ll talk you through what’s happening. First, we’re going to prep the wand with a sleeve and some lube.”

I eye the wand warily before looking back at my caretakers. “Well, it all seems pretty familiar so far. Condom, lube when needed, long thing headed for my vagina. What’s next?”

They both chuckle at my humor, though their eyes hold a look telling me they know I’m deflecting. “This might seem pretty familiar then, too.” Dr. Barber says before pulling out the stirrups. “If you want to slide down for me and get situated, we’ll get started.”

My heels nestle into the metal foot holds. I find that spot on the ceiling again, preparing myself as they warn I might feel some pressure. There are a few moments where it’s very clear I’m being probed with something medical before I hear it.

Ba-dum, ba-dum.

My eyes lock on the screen, the black and white static taking the shape of a blob, pulsing in time with the rhythm I hear through the speaker. “Well, that’s definitely something new.”

Dr. Barber squeezes my calf as she continues to move the wand, getting all the angles and measurements they need. I hear Sabrina click a few keys on the keyboard. “I’ll go grab thosecopies for you to take home.” She hands me a towel as she hangs up the wand and rolls the cart away before she squeezes out the door.

My head falls back on the pillow again. All those questions, all my research, silenced by a heartbeat and a grainy blob. There will be a time and place for them, but for now, I can’t break myself out of this moment.

“You can sit up whenever you’re ready, Michelle. Everything looks healthy and viable. I’ll be sure Sabrina brings you some pamphlets on all of your options. Do you want her to bring those pictures too?”

I nod. “Yes. I’ll take all the information you have, but I want those pictures too, please.” My eyes fill with tears, my chest tightening, the loose gown suddenly constricting. It’s only me. This decision is all on me.

“Will do. Look over those pamphlets and don’t hesitate to ask if you have any more questions.” Honestly, Dr. Barber should give classes on bedside manner. I know later I’ll reflect on how her tone is perfect—gentle, calm, non-judgmental, but sure.

I shake my head no, still unable to formulate any questions, and hear her get up and head for the door.

“Wait,” I say, and her movements stop. “Do you ... do you mind getting my friend, Jax, from the waiting room? Maybe she can bring the stuff back in with Sabrina? She’s probably the only Jax out there, but brown hair, bangs, blue eyes so big they’d look at home on Bambi?”

“Sure thing. They’ll be right with you. One of those pamphlets has the recommended appointment schedule listed in it. You can make an appointment on your way out or call us later. Up to you.”

“Thank you, Dr. Barber, for everything.”

The door closes softly behind her. The ceiling starts to swirl in front of my eyes. A tear trickles down my cheek. I know I should sit up, get dressed. Twenty minutes ago, I worried aboutbeing late for work? Such a minor thing to fret over when I keep hearing the steady thump of a heartbeat in my ears.

The door creaks open again, and Jax comes into my line of sight.

“Hey, there. Everything okay?”

“Well, I’m pregnant. There’s a baby in there and everything.” Her hand finds mine and I squeeze tight.

“Good to know six pregnancy tests is a number to be trusted.”

“I lied. It was actually twelve.” I laugh at myself before wiping my eyes and sitting up.

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