Page 26 of Zoinks! Nice Pack, Bro

Sadie

It’s 11PM on Thursday and I’m in a manic panic because I absolutely can not go out with Cameron tomorrow.

It isn’t just the fact that I have nothing to wear. I've been through every outfit combo six times since I got home from work, and it’s official, nothing sparks joy. Or whatever that Netflix show was about. But the few outfits that I do have feel wrong.

Nothing feels right on my skin and I can’t be on a motorcycle and feel like clawing off my own skin. Even with my low self preservation, I know better,

I’m also fully invested in never being around the four giants again.

It was a moment of weakness that Cam caught me off guard, sliding into my TikTok DM’s and making me say yes to something that I absolutely should say no to.

Jace just shows up when I’m grabbing coffee and it’s not like I can avoid him in that.

The thing with Anthony was…he had shown up for me when I felt alone. He had taken care of me better than I’ve been able to take care of myself. It was so nice. I felt great after we worked out and even thought about going back.

The reminder that one of them hadn’t seemed to care about me hit me. Knocking me back to reality.

I couldn’t do this.

But they were my scent matches and that made it so easy to just act like an idiot and interact with them. But I had to be stronger.

Omega instincts were a real slick brain.

And the most important of all of these things is that undernocircumstance do I date. So there would be no courting alphas, scent match or not.

Not that they mentioned courting.

I’m just not into the idea of spending my life with someone who is going to make me feel weird about myself.

I’m selfish with the idea that time well spent is time that is spent alone. Physical touch gives me the icks, no matter how many times I tell my therapist that I think my love language is touch. The idea of going out with a man spending a subpar night having boring conversation and feeling like I have to go back to his place to put his al dente noodle in my mouth is peak cringe.

Like gagging at the thought.

Frick it.

I’m canceling on him.

Sadie

Hey, I can't go tomorrow night. Sorry.

That was easy.

Cancelled and now I can spend the night reading a book and scrolling endless TikTok to try and feel something other than apathy.

No need to worry about what to wear or what to talk about with him now. I can have some water like it's going to fix the chronic dehydration and avoid the feeling of doomsday settling in.

It’s only my second night on Lexapro and as I slip the pill in my mouth I say a silent prayer that this will help. That I’ll make it through the insomnia, the vivid dreams, the nausea and dizziness. That dealing with all these side effects will finally give me hope of a life.

Cameron

Are you okay?

Frick.

Why couldn’t he just say okay and accept that I wasn’t interested? Wasn’t there some rule about this with men? Where they pull you aside in some stinky middle school bathroom and inform you of texting etiquette.

He doesn’t know me. He doesn’t really care if I’m okay. And honestly, how do you tell a stranger ‘oh no, I’m not okay. My brain keeps sabotaging me and the morbs hit real bad.’

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