Page 57 of Shrine of Fire

“Really?” I looked up at him. “It’s not that I don’t want to be bonded again, but the thought of replacing those bonds…it makes me feel like I’d betraying them, cancelling them out…” my breath hitched again.

But Kalahar smiled at me, warm as the sun. “No, fire omega. You cannot replace those bonds. You will simply make new ones.”

All I could do was stare at him as a feeling of relief washed over me, so great that it stole my breath away. I tucked myself back under Kalahar’s chin, my heartbeat erratic as my brain tried to process what that meant.

If, someday in the future I asked Hashir for a bond…it wouldn’t be a bond over Geshon. Or Darrin and Barrett. It would be a new bond, me and Hashir.

“Will it link in with my old pack bonds?” I whispered. I couldn’t even picture how it would work. I’d tried to research what happened after an omega lost her pack, but all literature said they died. Which of course, had only made me feel worse for surviving them.

“If you want them to. You’ll either link up a new pack, or the pack bonds will merge,” Kalahar said, stroking his hand through my hair. “I realize I’m touching you. Is this okay? Your pain is so deep I cannot seem to help myself.”

“You’re very soothing.” I bit my lip. “But, if you’re uncomfortable…?”

“No.” Kalahar shook his head. “I wouldn’t have pulled you against me if I didn’t crave you. You would sense my reluctance and it would only hurt you more. Spirits aren’t as good as hiding our emotions.”

“You’re very good at hiding yours.” I lifted my head to look at him and smiled wryly. “I couldn’t figure out why you came with us at all. You could have just taken a ship and been done with us.”

Kalahar pulled back in shock. “It’s not obvious? I cannot be away from you. Even though it’s cruel of me.”

“That…isnotobvious.” I blinked. “How could it be? You don’t seek me out, and you barely talk to me.”

During the three weeks on the ship, we had only shared a handful of conversations. He hadn’t actively avoided me, but he had spent much of the time buried in books.

My head swam. I couldn’t deny the feeling of being safe, warm, and loved that radiated from the hug. It was like the intimacy of sex, only deeper, if that was possible. Like a dam breaking, the tide of his warmth washed over me.

“Nova, I am dying.” The fire in Kalahar’s eyes dimmed a little. “I will do my best to seal Hella Mora away and protect you from her. But I do not know when I will return to the mortal realm after this death.”

The thought sent an icy shiver down my spine. Then he continued, “Or if.”

Phoenixes were immortal. Until they weren’t.

“That is why I am distant. Although, I’m not doing such a great job right now.” He sounded so disappointed in himself, I couldn’t help but laugh.

“I don’t know if I want you distant.” I laid my head on his shoulder. “If this is what you being close to me feels like.”

“I am also…” He paused. “I have not finished grieving what happened with Evangeline.”

The memory of the beautiful woman stabbing him shuddered through me, like it had happened to me.

“I do not know how that will affect me in any relationship I have.”

“So, you basically feel like your heart is too broken to have a real relationship with anyone,” I said. “Sounds like me. And Aki. Something is holding Stefan back. And Cuan keeps running away from me.”

“When he would rather be running toward you.” Kalahar sighed. “We’re all a mess, aren’t we?”

“I’m gonna tell Hashir he’s the most well adjust of all of us.” I laughed again. “He’ll be horrified.”

Kalahar smiled, then his face turned serious. “They’re taking their cues from you. No one wants to hurt you before you’ve recovered from the loss of your other pack.”

Hearing it spoken out loud made me see the impact of how I’d been acting. How different would things be if I tried—reallytried—to reach out to the people I cared about?

“I’m scared of hurting all of you with my pain.”

Kalahar held me, and for a long moment he was silent.

Finally, he said, “Life is a cycle: birth, love, and pain, and then death. I think I would rather be hurt by you, and accept your love, then be without either.”

“You would rather have loved Evangeline and let her betray you to Hella Mora, than to have never known her at all?”

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