Page 122 of Shrine of Fire

Aki was wrong. He didn’t know what he was talking about. I’d hidden away like a coward while my pack died.

I didn’t deserve a new pack.

But I couldn’t argue with the love pouring into me from the packbonds. I couldn’t pretend I didn’t love them back.

Loving and being loved was the twist of the knife Hella Mora cut me with.

Part of me agreed with the spirit. It was easier to believe that ifIhad done something differently, my pack would still be here. It was easier to focus on my pain and grief than to try and heal myself. To live again.

My heart ached. “I don’t know how to try. I’m stuck.”

“That’s why you have us, babe.” Hashir squeezed me. “We all have our own worries and fears. None of us get out of this life unscathed.”

That was…true. I looked around the room. Stefan had been hiding who he was, in fear of his father. Even now, we sailed closer to the confrontation he’d feared his whole adult life. Cuan had left his homeland and had lost his mother, his best friend. Aki’s scars were so deep he’d shut himself away.

I took Kalahar’s hand. He smiled. “Yes, precious flame. That’s how you burn away your grief and build it into something new. Out of your ashes comes a new person. A changed person. And change isn’t easy.”

I sighed. “I am afraid I’ll hurt you.”

“And I am worried I will do the same.” Aki looked at me. “It’s why I resisted bonding with you for so long. You don’t need me dragging you down.”

I reached out through the packbonds. Aki wasn’t a heavy weight to drag anyone down. He was a solid presence, a rock I could shield myself with. “You’re not. You’re strong.”

He looked at me then glanced at the rest of the pack. “I was on assignment. We were abused, taken. I spent six weeks a prisoner, tortured for information.”

I took Aki’s hand. “I’m so sorry.”

He shook his head. “I did terrible things to escape. But I managed to get my team out and make it back to the Silver Lion. After that, it seemed easier not to care about…anything.”

I shuddered at the flash of horror I got from Aki through the packbonds. “You’re not weighing me down. If you are, then I don’t want to know how badly my own grief is affecting the rest of you.”

Aki leaned toward me and rested his forehead against mine. “It doesn’t weigh us down. It’s part of who you are.”

“Okay.” I whispered.

I’d been so afraid of pushing them away with my own sorrow. It had been the fear of loss that kept me from loving. From living my life.

Did I want to let that fear drive me? Or did I want to let go of it, knowing life would hurt me, but dare to love anyway?

I looked around the room at the men I’d chosen to be part of my pack. Their love and affection softened the sorrow inside me; made it more bearable. They didn’t drag me down, they made the burden easier to carry. “I’m ready to be a pack. Let’s get rid of Hella Mora and then we can bond the Shrine.” I looked at Kalahar.

“First we have to deal with my father,” Stefan said, his unease filtering through the bond.

“We will deal with him alright.” Cuan stood up and went to a side table. “I’m starving, so we’re gonna eat and plan.”

“Nova needs to eat anyway.” Hashir poked my side gently.

Cuan held up a hand. “One moment.”

He left the room. I lay back against Hashir and Stefan, trying to sort through my feelings. My body buzzed like I’d run a race. I wasn’t cold anymore, at least, and the shaking had stopped.

My heart still ached, but I felt better than I had in a long time. I wanted to try, really try.

Cuan came back with a giant tray loaded with food and passed it around. “So, we seal the spirit the minute we reach the Ember Island, yes?”

“Just about.” Aki passed me some of my favorite cheese.

“We’ll have to go to a welcome ceremony first.” Stefan loaded up a plate and started with the fruit first. “But after that I think we can say we need to bond as a pack at the Shrine.”

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