Page 121 of Shrine of Fire

All five of them looked at me. Warmth radiated inside me through the packbonds. I’d forgotten how good it felt to be part of a pack, to share a piece of myself with the men I loved, and I reached out to Hashir and then Stefan through the bond.

Only to find…Cuan and Aki were there as well. “Did you…” I looked at their shoulders.

Aki gave me a tired smile and patted my leg. “Yes, Nova. We would not leave you alone to fight that spirit.”

Feelings warred inside me. Their love poured into me like sunlight. Soft and gentle and ever-present.

“But you…” I frowned at Aki. “You said…”

“I was scared.” He sighed. “Of hurting you. But how could I expect you to open yourself up to me if I wouldn’t do the same?”

“This is all wrong.” I shook my head, my hands shaking. “You’re going to die.”

I slapped my hands over my mouth. I was cold and tired, and my body ached. I wanted to lie down and never get up again.

Hashir kissed my temple. “Yes, love. But not for a long time.”

“Hella Mora…” I looked at Kalahar, the only one with any sense, the only one who hadn’t bonded me.

“She has you convinced it’s not worth loving because you will lose them.” His red hair fell over his shoulders. “Yes?”

I tried to sit up, but my arms shook from the effort. “You don’t understand.”

My heart started to beat heavier in my chest, pounding like a drum. “Stefan just got stabbed and we’re going to seal away an ancient spirit. Some Admiral tried to poison us.”

“And I punched him in the face,” Hashir said. “Nova, my love, if I could trade places with you, share your pain, I would.”

I shook my head again, fear metallic in my mouth. “No, you can’t. You’ll all leave me someday.”

The room went still.

“Don’t you get it? I felt them die. One by one!”

My chest hurt and my eyes burned again, from unshed tears. My chest hurt, and for a moment dread so deep seized my body as the memory hit me. “Barrett told me to hide in the closet. Even though I could have helped. And they went out there to their deaths, knowing they were going to die.”

Tears burned in my eyes, but they wouldn’t fall. I was twisted in anguish instead, my chest filled with hot molten misery. “When a guard let me out days later, I saw their bodies.”

I looked down at my hands, my fingers trembling. “There were a hundred men outside. There was no way they could have…” I blinked, and a tear sat on my lashes. “They knew they were going to die, and they hid me away instead. I’m so angry with them for that, they didn’t let me help.”

Trembling all over, everything sharpened to the point of the knife.

“Nova,” Aki said, his voice still and cool like riverwater. “Your magic wouldn’t have been enough. You know that. It’s a fantasy, telling yourself if you could have helped it would have made a difference.”

“Aki,” Hashir hissed.

“She needs to hear this.” Aki’s voice was sharp. “Look at me.”

I managed to look up at him.

My delta’s face looked carved from stone, steady as a mountain. “They were right. You are tearing yourself up over anger and guilt, but they were right. I’m telling you right now, I would make the same choice. If I could protect you, I would. Every time.”

At that, the tears finally came. Hashir and Stefan closed their arms around me, and warmth surrounded me, coming from Kalahar, Cuan, and Aki.

“But I hid in a room while they died, while they were snatched away from me, torn out of my chest one by one.” My face was wet, and my sobs were so heavy it felt like I would shatter myself apart.

“They protected you.” Aki ran his hands up my arms. “They wanted you to live on. If you had a single chance, they wanted you to take it.”

I couldn’t stop the onslaught of feelings. I didn’t know how. I cried and cried and lost myself to the sense of the packbonds.

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