Page 116 of Shrine of Fire

I winced at the low blow. “We’re taking our time.”

“Do you have that time to take?” She arched her one good eyebrow. “If that is true, then why not bond them all?”

I turned away from her, looking out at the sea.

This place wasn’t real. She was either haunting my dreams or had dragged me partially to the spirit world. She couldn’t reach me in the mortal realm, so she’d had to wait until I was weak and vulnerable.

But oh, my heart ached. Being around her dredged up every ache and loss I’d ever felt, as fresh as they were the day they happened.

“Your old pack would be happy to see you move on, no doubt.”

“They would,” I snapped.

“Even though omegas shouldn’t survive the death of their pack, they would want you happy.”

I whirled on her. “Shut up, you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

It was my worst fear. What if I didn’t love them enough? I survived and they didn’t, and the shame of that ate me alive.

Hella Mora nodded sadly. “I understand, little omega. You mourn because there is no place for you in this world. You want a new pack, but is that right? Should you have a new pack when your first pack is in the dirt? If this pack dies, will you move on for a third?”

“Be quiet,” I whimpered, cold running through me. Tears bit the corner of my eyes. The spirit was twisting my words against me, but it was impossible to ignore my worst fear spoken out loud.

“Let me free, and we will make a place, me and you. A more honest world. You won’t have to endure polite conversations anymore. No more people telling you they were sorry for your loss. What do they know of loss?” The death spirit’s voice was scornful. “How could they understand an ounce of the pain we’ve been through?”

“They can’t.” I wiped my face. “But it doesn’t mean they have to suffer too.”

“But they do suffer. I would not be so powerful if they weren’t already carrying their own pain. I seek a world that doesn’t hide that pain under false smiles and fake condolences.”

She was wrong. I knew she was wrong, but it was getting harder and harder to remember why.

I was so very tired of the pitiful looks. Tired of having to navigate my own feelings like it was a minefield waiting to explode. I used to be so happy, so carefree. Now, no matter what I did to try and move on, the pain of the loss still weighed me down, like heavy chains.

Hella Mora was being extreme, but she wasn’t wrong. People carried pain inside them every day, and we weren’t allowed to talk about it. Aki carried his wounds, like they made him unfit to be part of our pack.

Stefan had hidden his secrets, and Hashir put on a happy face despite the loss of his family. Kalahar faced certain death but was determined to finish things, and Cuan was still trying to navigate his new powers away from his home and family.

Everyone carried loss inside them, broken shards of a heart that had once been whole.

Would it be so terrible to be more honest about that at least?

“Perhaps if we were more open about our loss,” Hella Mora said, looking into the waves crashing over each other. “We would be able to carry the burden more easily.”

I watched the waves out in the ocean. I could almost make out faces in the water, hands reaching out to each other only to be lost to the ocean’s swell.

I was so very tired of living half a life. Of trying to move on with only a few pieces of my heart intact. Hashir’s bond flashed weakly inside me, along with Stefan.

I loved them. I loved them all. But loving them also hurt. They would let me down, someday. They would leave me in death, like Barrett, Geshon, and Darrin.

I loved them all but here I was, a widow on the prow of a spirit’s ship.

Maybe it would be easier to let the water carry me away. Let myself drown in my tears after all.

Ireached our room and opened the door. Stefan and Hashir hovered over Nova.

“It’s that spirit,” I snarled, coming to her side.

“Hella Mora is getting stronger as time passes.” Kalahar sat on the bed. “I will go into the spirit world and bring her back.”

---