Page 141 of The Endless War

“At what cost?” her father shouted. “And to what end, if you are dead at her hands?” Catching hold of her shoulders, he shook her. “This is the last thing Keris would want you to do. We will retreat, but it will be with you at our head, Empress.”

“This is not about Keris,” she said, not sure if that was truth or lie, for her heart was his, every aspect of this fight twisted into her feelings for him. “As it is, the Usurper will not kill me.”

“How can you believe that?” he demanded. “You have done more to harm her than anyone alive. Turned thousands against her. Betrayed her by siding with her greatest enemy. She hates you, Zarrah, and the best you could hope for is a swift death.”

“She doesn’t hate me.” Zarrah pressed a hand to her heart, shocked to discover that she still cared what her aunt thought of her.

How much easier would it be if she could erase the years since her mother’s death and forget how her aunt had stood by her? How she’d held her while tears drenched her cheeks and sobs wracked her body? How she’d trained Zarrah to fight and be strong, to defend herself and her country? But every memory remained. “She loves me.”

“That mad bitch doesn’t know how to love!” her father shouted. “She’s a monster!”

“Perhaps not love as you and I know it,” Zarrah answered, “but it is the best word for how she feels about me. And it is not so much how she feels about me that ensures my safety, but her need for me to love her as I once did. Her need for me to worship her as a savior, as amother, as I once did. Her obsession isme, and even if she needs to keep me locked up until the end of my days, she’ll do so because she’s incapable of accepting that I’ll never be hers again.”

“This is lunacy.” Her father pressed his fingers to his temples, twisting away from her. “I can’t agree to it. Iwon’t.”

“It’s not your choice.”

She met Daria’s gaze, the other woman having stood silently in the corner of the tent the entire conversation. “Make ready.”

Daria clenched her teeth. “Goddamn it, Zarrah.” She gave a sharp shake of her head. “Keris would beg you not to do this, and I wish he were here, for he would convince you to see reason.”

“I am the Empress of Valcotta,” Zarrah answered. “My will is my own, not the King of Maridrina’s.”

Unlike my heart.

Silence stretched, and fear rose in Zarrah’s chest that they would not abide. That despite all her plans, it would still come to battle and death, as it always had. She wanted to tell them to trust her, but this was her leap of faith, not theirs, and she needed them to retreat without hesitation.

Daria slowly inclined her head. “If this is your will, then so shall it be, Your Imperial Majesty.” She started to leave, but Zarrah caught hold of her friend’s arm, pulling her close. “Take care of them for me. Don’t give up.”

Scrubbing at her eyes, Daria nodded, then left the tent.

“Please don’t do this.”

At her father’s words, Zarrah turned around. “I’m not giving up,” she said. “This isn’t the end.”

“Then why do I feel as though I’m losing you?” His shoulders slumped, and for the first time since they’d been reunited, Zarrah saw her father’s age. Saw the weathered skin and grey hair, the age spots on his hands. The exhaustion.

“I let her take you from me once,” he said. “Now I am to let her take you again?”

Zarrah felt the weight of the same loss. He was her father, yet all she had of him were faded memories from her childhood. To her, he was a ghost and the commander, not yet her father, and she wished with all her heart that there had been time to change that.

Prayed that there still would be.

“She’s not taking me this time,” Zarrah finally answered. “I’m choosing to go of my own volition, because I believe it the right choicefor our people. I … I still believe I can win this, Father.”

“How?”

She hesitated, not wanting to give false hope. “I believe in Valcotta. In the people. I believe that if given the choice, they will make the right one for the future.”

Her father looked away, and Zarrah’s chest sank. After all these years of fighting, he had no faith in the people he fought for.

“I’m going with you.”

“No, you are not,” she retorted, more startled than anything. “Not only do I need you to lead the rebels free of this, but coming with me would be suicide. You, she won’t hesitate to kill.”

“I chose the rebellion over you twice,” he said. “I won’t do so a third time.”

Zarrah’s eyes burned. “And if I order you?”

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