“I love you, sweetheart, like you're my own sister, but I told you then and I'm telling you again now, you messed up. I get why you ran, because I saw how much it hurt every time you were shoved off to another relative. I understand how much easier it is to be alone than to face rejection—”
I gave her a look, eyebrows high.
She sighed. “Fine, I never experienced what you went through—”
“You've never been rejected by anyone in your life.” I really hated it when she psychoanalyzed me. One semester of psychology in college and she thought she was a shrink.
“That's not entirely true…” She narrowed her eyes. “Stop trying to distract me. I understand why you ran and I don't blame you. But Noah deserved an explanation. He deserved to be told as soon as you found out you were pregnant.”
Mimi had never liked Noah, but I suspected that had more to do with him being my first really good friend aside from her than from any quality he possessed that she didn't like. I'd worked to put myself through college and I'd never gotten close to anyone other than Mimi, until Noah. I was beginning to realize, though, that I'd never been as close to Noah as I thought I'd been. And, she was right. I knew she was right. I'd chickened out. I'd been as bad as Alex Owings and run away instead of talking it out with Noah. I'd run away then and I'd run away again just a few hours before. I rubbed my temples and leaned back against the couch. “How am I going to raise a child if I can't even talk to her father about anything real?”
I felt the warmth of Mimi's hand over mine. I opened my eyes to see her gaze on me, serious and concerned. “When it's your child you're protecting, I know you'll walk on water to keep her safe and happy. I just wish you could see yourself the way I see you, to see that you are strong and kind and beautiful on the inside and the out. You should be living your life like a queen, not hiding yourself away, avoiding risk because you're afraid of rejection.”
God, she made me sound like a total basket case. “I'm not that bad. I'm living. I'm doing well for myself.”
She smiled, but it was a sad smile. “You're good at your job and you're good at making money, but you aren't good at making friends or dating, or putting yourself out there in any way that really matters. Noah was the closest thing you've ever had to a boyfriend and he had you friend-zoned from day one.”
I loved Mimi, I really did, but it was moments like this I wished she didn't know me so well. There was no point in arguing with her, she was right. I'd had fun in college. I'd studied hard and I'd partied hard, but I'd never let anyone get too close. I'd never had a close friend other than Mimi, and my relationships with men had been fleeting, barely more than one-night stands. I'd felt safe that way, I'd even convinced myself I was happy, but Mimi had always been able to see through me. She saw how lonely I was, how lost. “I don't need a man to complete me,” I said, speaking to Mimi's militant feminism. “I'm happy the way I am.”
She smirked, seeing right through me, as usual. “You don't need a man, but you aren't happy. I know you'll make an awesome single mother, but you're missing out on the opportunity for a deeper connection, for love, for the fun of a serious relationship. I want more for you, sweetie.”
“I know. But maybe…Maybe some people are just meant to be alone. Maybe it's better that way.”
“It's safer. If you're alone, you can't be rejected or hurt, but it's not better. Not for you, sweetie. I don't like Noah, but I know you enjoyed having him in your life. I know how much you lo—”
“I'm hungry,” I said. “Starved in fact. We can't starve the baby.”
She sighed but she stopped pushing. “Pizza?”
We ordered pizza and Mimi shared stories about her career and Hank and his experiences working with teenagers. Eventually, the pizza was gone and the conversation slowed, probably because I wasn't adding much.
“I should get going,” Mimi said. “I haven't spent much time with Hank this week.” She placed her hand over mine. “How are you going to tell Noah?”
I looked away, already preparing for her disapproval. “I'm going to email him.”
“Okay,” she said, surprising me. “But, sweetie, what if he doesn't read the email? If he's as angry as you say, maybe he'll delete it without reading it.”
Damn it, she had a point. “Well, I guess…”
“Would you like me to talk to him?”
It was tempting, but it wouldn't be right. Noah had met Mimi, but sending her to speak on my behalf felt wrong. He should hear it from someone he wouldn't view as the enemy, someone he trusted. “I have an idea of someone he might be more receptive to,” I said. “But thanks.”
She hugged me tight, kissed my belly and let herself out.
I picked up my phone and dialed a number I hadn't dialed in more than eight months.
“Aubrey,” Nora said, her tone cold and unfriendly. “How are you?”
“Not so good, Nora.” I usually kept my emotions and vulnerabilities in check, but Nora was Noah's mother and she'd always been kind to me. I'd cut her off when I'd cut off Noah, but I'd missed her. “I've made a mistake, and I'm not sure I can fix it.”
“Oh, sweetie,” Nora said, her tone softening. “Whatever it is, I'll help you. Noah might be angry now, but he'll help you, too.”
There was nothing for it, I jumped in with both feet. “I'm seven months pregnant, Nora, and the baby is Noah's.”
Silence ruled for so long, I thought she might have hung up. A sob echoed over the line. “I'm going to be a grandmother?”
Relief washed through me, releasing a tension I didn't even know I'd been feeling. My daughter would know her grandmother, she'd have family, even if Noah wanted nothing to do with her. “Yes, but Noah doesn't know. He doesn't even remember…I tried to tell him, but he won't talk to me, he won't even look at me.”