Page 79 of Ireland

His abrupt stillness reverberated through her body. His chest lifted and fell beneath her, and a hot tear slid from her lashes to wet his skin. He immediately set his e-reader down to wrap her in his arms.

“Yes,” he said tenderly, his lips to her temple. “Of course I do.”

It was excruciating, knowing that her body had failed to nurture their child. They hadn’t been trying to get pregnant andhad both been startled—and yes, more than a little frightened—to realize they were expecting. But the excitement began to grow, and they started envisioning the future.

To this day, no one else knew they’d ever been pregnant. They’d needed time to come to grips with the changes ahead before sharing the news, and then she’d miscarried.

“We never talk about it.” She curled onto her side against him, careful not to dislodge Lucky, and placed her hand over his heart. “We talk about everything, but not that.”

And because they weren’t talking about their baby, no one was, and that was killing her slowly.

His chest lifted and fell against her shoulder. “I… I don’t know how.”

And she didn’t, either. Their couples’ therapist, Dr. Petersen, had suggested a few options for grief and fertility counseling, but they’d never pursued it, and she couldn’t say why. The loss remained a raw wound, made more profound by the years since in which they hadn’t tried to get pregnant or even discussed trying.

There was nothing physically wrong with her. She had miscarried her rapist’s baby when she was fourteen, but that wasn’t a contributing factor to her miscarriage in adulthood. Still, she was afraid to try and fail again. She was also scared ofnottrying and living with regret forever.

“It was terrifying for me,” he admitted quietly, his hands running up and down her suddenly cold arms, using friction to dispel the goosebumps. “You were suffering, and I was helpless. You know I don’t do well when you’re sick or just not feeling well, and that was…”

His words trailed off, but the memory was evoked. For months afterward, she’d had nightmares of his bloodless face and haunted eyes. She remembered how he’d trembled violently as she’d lain wrapped in a blanket in his arms, hemorrhaging,his voice shattered as he’d tried to comfort her on the way to the hospital.

His trauma had affected her more than her own. Gideon was always so self-possessed and attuned to her that he often knew where her head was at before she did. He led, and she followed.

When he was lost, a yawning unknown opened in front of them that petrified her.

She swiped at her wet eyes. “Have you decided you don’t want children?”

“I…” He paused. “It’s not for me to make that choice. It’s your body, angel. What you’re willing to put it through is ultimately your decision.”

Sitting up, Eva shifted on the chaise to face him. His careful reply almost seemed rehearsed. “That’s bullshit.”

His mouth was a grim line. “It’s not.”

“We’re a team,” she argued. “A decision like having children is one we make together. It’s not just up to me.” There was a vibrating fear in the pit of her stomach. “But you don’t want kids, do you? You’ve never wanted any.”

“I’ve never said that.”

But then, he didn’t have to. She saw it in the way his gaze broke from hers and dropped to Lucky. The entire family used to tease him because even the mention of babies sparked a visible fear. Then, one day, the teasing stopped, as if the family collectively decided that the time for choosing parenthood had expired.

“You’re everything I need, Eva. I'll be more than content if it’s just you and me forever. That doesn’t mean I’m not open to more.”

“Open to it, but not necessarily wanting it.” She pushed onto her feet, feeling raw and vulnerable.

Gideon caught her by the wrist. “Don’t pull away. Talk to me.”

“What more is there to say?”

“Doyouwant to try again?”

She shrugged lamely, her throat tight. “What does it matter if you don’t?”

“Damn it, I didn’t say that!” His eyes took on the hard, icy light that signaled his growing temper. “I’m afraid for you. Afraid for us if something goes wrong again. You, our marriage, and your happiness are what’s important to me. If you’re not happy, let’s address it.”

“What does that mean, Gideon?” she asked wearily, so tired of her inner turmoil. “You’ll do it for me? Having a baby is something we should both want equally.”

“I don’t know how else to say this,” he snapped. “It’s not about whether I want a baby. It’s about not wanting to gamble with your safety!Yes, a child would be…amazing. But I can live without having one. I absolutely cannot live without you. If it’s one or the other, my choice will always be you.”

“But you could have both! Did that ever occur to you?”

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