Page 142 of The Forever Play

And I can’t handle it, so I softly croak, “Did you get my messages?”

She shakes her head. “I haven’t checked them.”

“Oh.” I work my jaw to the side. “So… uh… what are you?—”

“Monica called.” She sniffs, and then her eyes land right on me.

Damn, she’s so beautiful I can hardly breathe sometimes. Those eyes are so bright and blue, staring at me with this addictive fire.

I can’t let her go.

I can’t lose her.

Clenching my jaw, I nod and run my fingers across the top of the steering wheel before gripping it tightly. “I’m guessing she told you… everything.”

“Yeah.” Sienna clears her throat and sniffs again. “My big question is… why didn’t you? Why didn’t you stop me on Saturday and explain everything? I walked away believing you were a rapist.”

My face buckles and I wish I had something eloquent to say, but all I’ve got left is the raw, ugly truth. There’s no more hiding right now. I just have to let her in and suffer the consequences. “I was so ashamed.”

“But why? You saved that girl.”

I wince, my throat swelling up tight, making my words quiet and thin. “She was probably just one of many. What if I knew and just didn’t want to see it? How many girls got roofied and raped because I didn’t want torock the boat? Because I was angry and hurting and just wanted to get lost? I used the excuse of partying and fitting in and ‘this is the way it’s done… this is what I have to do if I want to get game time.’ But what fucking bullshit!”

I slam the wheel, tortured in a way that’s almost physical.

My chest hurts.

My knuckles feel like they’re about to pop through my skin.

“I gave you up.” My voice cracks. “I lost you. And I turned into a total shit. I spiraled, and I’m so ashamed of the person I became. I’d do anything to erase that year of my life. I deserved so much worse than a night in jail and a few broken ribs.”

“They broke your ribs?” Sienna reaches for me like the injuries are fresh.

I lean away from her, not wanting her to touch me. I don’t deserve her touch. I don’t deserve fucking anything!

“They were just fractured,” I mutter.

“Assholes,” she hisses and shakes her head. “They were the ones who deserved to be in jail. You didn’t do anything wrong. You saved her!”

A cold bleakness travels through me as I repeat my point. “But who didn’t I save?”

“Zander.” She tips her head. “You can’t torture yourself that way. If you’d figured it out earlier, you would have acted earlier.”

I shake my head, wanting to believe her but not sure if I can. So many parties. So much booze. I got wasted so many times.

“Hey.” Sienna’s hand is soft as she cups my cheek and guides me to look at her. “You need to forgive yourself.”

Her eyes, so blue and kind.

God, I love her so much.

“Sure, you were a train wreck that year. But you’re not anymore. And even back then, when you were making shitty decisions, the real you was still buried underneath, and it shone through when it needed to. Zander, you are good. You’re a good man, and you need let yourself off the hook.”

“How?” I rasp. “I’ve got a daughter now, and if anything like that ever happened to her…” Fear chokes me blind, and the tears I was holding back suddenly spring forth.

Sweet Zoey, my precious girl.

The thought of someone abusing her, scaring her, taking advantage of her body… a broken jaw would be the least of their worries.

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