Page 136 of The Forever Play

I wanted Zander.

But I also didn’t.

Because he did something completely abhorrent and hid it from me.

Of course he hid it from you! Would you want to admit to raping someone?

I couldn’t get past it. The thought that he would do that to some helpless, drugged-up girl made me sick. Inever actually threw up, but my nausea was overpowering.

And I still feel ill as I sit on the floor, watching Zoey play.

My insides are numb.

It’s hard to crack a smile and play happy families with my girl when I’m feeling this destroyed. It’s like losing him all over again… but so much worse.

“Okay, I’m off. I have a meeting.” Russell swans into the room. He’s been in such a chipper mood this morning, and it’s grating.

He cooked Zoey breakfast while I sat at the counter sipping coffee.

He sang as he loaded the dishwasher. He laughed as he chased Zoey around the living room, trying to make her brush her teeth.

And now he’s leaving, and I can’t fucking wait.

Am I the worst? I should be grateful for Russell. But his joy over filling a slot that belongs to another man drives me crazy.

I guess I should just get over myself. Mom told me I should fall for Russell, but?—

“I’ll drop off the asshole’s car on my way to the arena, and you can have mine for the rest of today, okay?” Russell crouches down, kissing the top of Zoey’s head while my chest starts to hurt again. “See you lovely girls later.” He grins, then leans forward and kisses me.

Right on the mouth.

I pull back, blinking at him like he just slapped my face, but he’s already on his feet and walking for the door.

Scrubbing my lips with my hand, I try to wipe him away as a fresh bubble of tears starts brewing.

I don’t want to have to deal with this shit too!

How am I supposed to tell the guy who’s helping me out that I don’t love him that way and he needs to stop forcing his agenda?

I don’t have anywhere else to go right now, and I just… I can’t handle this!

Pulling in a shaky breath, I wipe my lips again, rubbing off the last of Russell and yearning for Zander in a way that’s just plain mean and unfair.

I shouldn’t want him at all after what he did!

But still my heart calls for him.

“Lellyfant.” Zoey holds up her plastic animal.

“Yep.” I nod and give her a weak smile.

“Mon…chee.”

“Monkey,” I correct her, my voice wooden.

“Lilon.”

“Lion.”

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