Page 131 of The Forever Play

I’m reeling as I shakily shove clothes and diapers into bags.

I thought I had forgiven Zander for everything, but he didn’t tell me he was a rapist! That he broke a guy’s jaw and ended up injail!

My brain is struggling to compute all I heard.

I wanted to deny every syllable, but then Zander wouldn’t talk to me. He just stood there confirming it all with his silence. His shame-faced frown was a sword right through my heart.

How can I be with him now?

He’s kept that part of himself from me, and even though he acted as though he’d changed since Kelsey U, how do I really know it for sure?

How do I let him be around Zoey when I know what he’s capable of?

I feel sick.

Laying a hand over my stomach, I sway on my feet, wondering if I’m about to hurl chunks, but the nausea passes as I fist Zander’s hoodie, then let out a feral wail and pull it off me.

Throwing it down on his bed, I scream at the duvet, pounding my fists on the mattress until the raging anguish has passed through me.

Resting my forehead on the edge of the bed, I suck in a few whimpering breaths and force myself to pull it together. I have to go and collect my daughter now.

I have to find a place to stay tonight.

Russell’s. You know you have to go back there.

I whimper again but force myself to stand.

Wiping my face, I square my shoulders and grab my things. I walk down the stairs like a zombie. My chest hurts. I seriously feel like my heart is crumbling. Zander shattered it once before, and I managed to glue it back together. I thought it’d been fully restored, but the way it’s turning to ash in my chest right now tells me I was dreaming.

A broken heart can never be fully whole again, and mine’s just been decimated.

With hiccupping sobs, I climb into Zander’s SUV and drive to Mrs. Ward’s place. I’ll have to get it back to him somehow, but I can’t think about that right now. I justneed to focus on picking up my little girl and making sure she feels safe and secure.

When I get there, I have to sit in the car for a minute, parked on the curb outside Mrs. Ward’s house and desperately wiping my face dry. Putting on a bright smile for her is nearly impossible, but somehow I manage a whispered conversation.

She waxes eloquent about my perfect daughter and what a sweetheart she is. Gathering my little bundle against me, I cradle her, sniffing in her sweet smell and willing myself not to cry. Gently buckling her into her car seat, I’m desperate not to wake her. One whisper of her little voice and I’ll be undone.

“Thank you, Mrs. Ward.” I give the woman a hug goodbye and jump behind the wheel before I start blubbering again.

She waves me off, a flash of concern crossing her face just before I drive away.

The trip to Russell’s house only takes four minutes, and by the time I arrive, I’m a wreck all over again. I knock and then use my key to open the door. He’s just rising from the couch as I walk in, and the second he sees my face, he’s across the room, pulling me into his arms and checking if I’m okay.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I cry against his shoulder. “I just need to get Zoey to bed.”

“I’ll go get her.” He presses a quick kiss against the side of my head before dashing around me.

I collect the bags while he carries Zoey to her crib. She looks so warm and secure in his arms.

Shit! I don’t want him to be the better father for Zoey.

I want that to be Zander.

But it’s not, is it?

My insides wail again, this silent scream rising inside me.

Russell lays Zoey down like an expert. She doesn’t even wake, her floppy limbs splaying open on the mattress. Placing the stuffed animals around her, I fight more tears when she curls onto her side, murmuring in her sleep, completely oblivious to the storm brewing around her.

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