Page 63 of I Can't Even

“No problem,” he said. “Give Em my best, okay?”

“Sure.”

Liam turned and headed back to the door. I followed. There were a million things I wanted to say to him, like, ‘Hey, hot stuff, spend the night?’ but I suspected it would be inappropriate, so I said nothing.

“Lock up after me,” he said.

He stepped outside but before he could close the door behind him, I grabbed it and stepped through. Rocking up on my toes, I kissed him on the cheek, really quick, so he didn’t have a chance to react. Then I stepped back and closed the door, collapsing against it. Seriously, it took every ounce of self-control I had not to open it again and tackle him to the ground.

I peeked through the window and watched him cross our yard back to his, noticing how his jeans and T-shirt molded to his muscled surfer’s body. I glanced down and realized I was still wearing his leather jacket. Oh, darn, I guessed I was going to have to return it. Maybe.

Soph came out of the kitchen as I stepped into the great room to check on Em. I thought it spoke very well of me that upon discovering the jacket I didn’t race right back to Liam. Much as I wanted to, Em was more important.

My gaze met Soph’s and hers looked heavy with concern. Em was lying with one arm over her eyes and tiny sobs hiccupped out of her.

“Hey, you all right?” I sat down beside her. “Can I get you anything?”

“I brought you some tea,” Soph said.

“Urgh.” Em made a gurgling noise. Soph wisely moved the teacup away.

“You’re going to be all right,” I said. “Although you may not want to drink alcohol again for a very long time, which would probably be wise.”

“I didn’t mean to drink so much.” Em’s voice was soft from behind her arm. “I just...I liked feeling out of control.”

Soph and I exchanged worried glances.

“What were you drinking?” Soph asked.

“Tequila, mostly,” Em said.

“Yeah, that’ll take you to another plane of existence all right.” I patted her shoulder. “The crash landing sucks pretty hard though.”

“I think I threw up everything but my socks.” Em lowered her arm, looking pasty and pale and smelling a bit of vomit. She was the picture of misery. “I miss her.”

Both Soph and I reached for her hands to give them a squeeze. I kicked myself again for the state she was in. I had known she was taking Babs’s death hard. Why didn’t I pay closer attention? Demand that she talk to me? Drag her to a counselor?

“And then I don’t,” Em said.

Both Soph and I sat up straight to stare at her in a Whaaaat? sort of way.

“I’m going to hell for admitting this, but I can’t keep it in any longer.” Two bright spots of color lit Em’s cheeks and her eyes flashed with rebellion. “I finally feel free!”

Em pulled her hands from ours and clapped them over her mouth as if she couldn’t believe she’d said it. Then she dropped her head to her chest.

“See? I’m a horrible person!” Em cried. “My mother is dead and while I am sad, desperately sad, I also feel like a bird whose cage was left open. I can do whatever I want, wear whatever I want, eat whatever I want, I feel like I can fly for the very first time in my life and it makes me feel so guilty, I can’t breathe.”

Soph and I just stared at her, blinking and open-mouthed. I couldn’t believe what we were hearing. I had always thought that Em loved living at home with Babs. If she didn’t, why hadn’t she left? My thoughts must have registered on my face because Em looked at me and nodded.

“Mom made me feel so selfish,” Em said. “If ever I brought up getting an apartment with friends, she’d say it was a lovely idea and how I was not to worry about her in the slightest, that she would manage to live on her own with no one to help her.”

“And you didn’t say okay and go?” I asked.

Babs had tried that crap on me when I graduated from university. I knew she wanted, no expected, for me to come home but I had been burned before and was never going to let her control my life again. It was one more reason why I left without a backward glance.

“I’m not you, Jules,” Em said. “I’m a pleaser.”

“What’s the point of being a pleaser if you’re the only one who is never pleased?” I raised my hands in exasperation.

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