Page 20 of Bee

I can't read her expression. I'm not sure if she's mad. Relieved. Surprised. She's always been a tough cookie to crack.

"Hey, Prez. I just got in." I say already trying to explain what I'm doing here. When we were at the farmer's market, she told me this would always be my home, but I have to wonder if she meant it.

"Church." She says and starts walking in the direction of the room where we all usually meet. Addison turns to follow us, but Vexx puts her hand up. "No, just Bee."

Fuck. I'm about to get reamed out. I can feel it.

I sigh and square my shoulders. I fucked up, which means I have to deal with the consequences.

"You're so strong."

Rye's words echo in my mind and I fight to believe them. I don't feel very strong right now. In fact, I feel like a little girl about to get screamed at by the principal. In the past I'd dull the sting of anything bad with booze, but I don't want to do that now.

My eyes drift to the side. Down the hall and to the corner is a large section where we keep the liquor. The good stuff. It's like my body is attuned to where it is. It takes everything in me to keep my feet moving forward, following behind Vexx and not to run to get a drink.

If I thought the hard part was the actual withdrawal, I was wrong.

Vexx pushes open the door and I follow behind her.

"Shut it." She orders and I do so.

Vexx walks to her seat and drops down. For a moment, I'm not sure what I should do.

"You just going to stand there with your thumb up your ass?" She raises an eyebrow.

"It's much better than trying to sit with it up there, don't you think?" I joke, but she doesn't even crack a smile. Talk about a tough room.

Slowly, I make my way to my seat. I used to be comfortable in the chair, but now it feels like I'm sitting on spikes. I don't know what she's going to say. She can have my patch for what I've done.

The heavy wooden table in the Church room feels colder than usual under my arms. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe it’s just the way I feel like I’m under a damn microscope every time I sit in this chair now.

Vexx is sitting across from me, her fingers drumming lightly against the table’s surface. She doesn’t say anything right away, just looks at me. Stares, really. Her pretty eyes unreadable, sharp.

It grates on my nerves.

“What?” I snap, leaning back in my chair, folding my arms over my chest. The tension is too thick.

Vexx tilts her head, still watching me, still thinking. “You still clean?”

My first instinct is to be pissed. To let the frustration crawl up my throat and spit out something sharp in response. But I swallow it down. Because this is just my life now. This is the reality I chose.

I was a drunk for so long, of course people are gonna ask me if I’m still clean.

So instead of biting her head off, I take a slow breath and nod. “Yeah, I’m still clean.”

Vexx’s fingers stop drumming. “Good.”

Silence stretches between us for a second, but it’s not uncomfortable. Not really.

I wonder if she believes me. After all, it's only been a week. How many people have promised that they'd stay clean only to fall right back off the wagon days later. I know it's going to be the fight of my life, but right now, at least, I think I'm up for it.

“You thought about what living clean’s gonna look like?” she asks, her tone softer now.

I exhale, running a hand through my hair. “I know I can’t be around the same shit I used to be. I know I gotta keep my hands busy, my mind busy, or I’ll go crazy.”

Vexx nods like she already expected that answer. “Then we’ll make sure of it. We can change some things around here. Keep the bottles out of sight, at least.”

That surprises me more than it should. “You’d really do that?”

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