Page 12 of Bee

It feels impossible.

When the two of them let me go I don't feel any better than I did before. In fact I don't think I've ever felt this lost before in my life. I could always talk to Free about what's going on but she's a proactive kind of person she'll want me to make plans and goals. I don't have it in me right now to do that.

I just want some sort of purpose in my life. At one time Eve's Fury was all the purpose I needed but now it's clear to see that even this sisterhood isn't enough to bring me back from whatever dark corner I've crawled into.

I walk out of the clubhouse ready to make my way down toward town. I make this trip nightly, or at least so it seems. Every step I take brings me closer and closer to the bottle.

"No." I stop myself and turn back toward home. I make it about ten feet before I turn right back around and continue walking in the direction of the bars. I'm going in circles. I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I've been living in denial for so long that now I don't know what to do with the fact that I may truly have a problem.

All I can think about is the way I hurt right now. The way a cold tumbler of liquor would feel burning down my throat.

"Please, no more. Just stop it. All you have to do is stop." I whisper to myself as I turn down a side road and wander into what I'm sure is someone's farm land. It's a wide open field with very high grass.

The tears are coming non stop now as every muscle in my body screams in pain. I dry heave over and over, and it feels like I've got a fever of 200 degrees. I want to peel all my clothes off and at the same time I'm shivering.

I can't do this.

I let myself fall to the ground, the tall grass hiding me from anyone passing by, and I just lay there in misery. The secluded spot gives me time to be alone with my thoughts. All of whichsurround the fact that I've failed both myself and my club. I'm supposed to be a beacon of hope for the women in town. A bright spot in everyone's lives but I'm dying on the inside. I can feel it with every breath I take, I'm just that much closer to death.

I'm on the ground for a long while, and the dimming sun turns to haunting moonlight much faster than I expected.

I scream in frustration when I realize what that means. I've missed another run. I don't know if Vexx is going to tolerate it this time. This could be the last of my time as a member of Eve's Fury.

I'm on the verge of losing it all, and it's high time that I admit what I've been trying to deny for so long.

I need help.

Who do I turn to? Who can I call?

I'm sure if I call one of the girls, they'll come running, but I've messed up their lives enough as it is. At least that's how it feels right now. Like I've just become a burden on them. I'm not usually the one who is in need of saving, but right now all I can think about is the one person who has saved me already.

Rye.

The bear with the heart of gold.

It's a struggle to get up to my feet. I fall down a few times in the process getting dirt and whatever else is in this field all over my clothes. When I do finally make it to my feet it feels like salvation is so far away but I have to try. I just have to put one foot in front of the other.

It's never taken me this long to get to town before but I'm happy that I'm making progress.

Finally I make it to the bar and nearly cry when I see the sign, Rye and Whiskey. It's not illuminated like it usually is. There's no movement inside. He's gone.

I'm overwhelmed by the fear that I've missed my chance. Suddenly with a burst of energy I push myself up the side stairs that lead to his apartment door. He has to be here.

Please, let him be here.

At first I knock politely but with every second that passes it feels like I'm losing the battle. Like a big bad monster is right there in the dark waiting for me to fail.

"Rye!" I bang on the door harder, desperate to get inside. "Rye, please." My voice cracks and even I can hear how pathetic I sound. I don't want him to see me like this, hell I don't want anyone to see me like this.

"What the fuck is your pro-" Rye swings the door open, he's in his boxers and clearly agitated. But the second he sees my face he drops the anger and grabs hold of me. "Bee, oh god. What's wrong?"

"Rye, I need help. Please. I want to stop. Please." I cry against his shoulder, and he holds me like he's been holding me his entire life.

"Okay. I'm here. I'll help you." He softly strokes my hair and for the first time all night I feel safe.

I don't know what it is about this man that let's me know that everything is going to be okay but I just do.

The problem with that is the last time I allowed a man to have this much control over how I was feeling he ended up telling me that I was just a good time and what I felt meant nothing to him right before he was taken away in the back of a police. car. I promised myself I'd never let another man that deep into my life but Rye is already here I just didn't know it.

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