Page 50 of All Because of You

“Thank you. But I’m not telling you this for sympathy, merely as an explanation.” Downing the rest of his beverage, Bud’s assessing eyes seemed to take in all of Evan—not just his disheveled hair, unshaven jaw, and rumpled clothing but the state of his soul too. “Ever since the incident with Colin, I come here a few times a month and take a good long look around. Just to see if I notice anyone in need of . . . encouragement.”

Encouragement. Ha. Most of the people here would have scoffed at Bud’s offer, but something twisted inside Evan’s gut.

His eyes perused the bar. Two women headed up to the stage, swaying on their feet in that pretty-buzzed-but-not-yet-wasted way. A poppy tune pumped through the house, and the pair broke into an off-tune rendition of “Oops, I Did It Again.” At one time, Evan would have been in the front row, letting his eyes roam the women’s overexposed chests and waiting to take one of them home.

All he wanted at this moment, though? To find Madison, to spend time watching old movies with her on the couch, letting her fall asleep in his arms as the credits rolled. But she’d left for good. Her quiet slipping away had spoken loudly about her feelings toward Evan.

And he couldn’t blame her one bit.

“So, tonight it’s my turn?” Evan stared at the drink, willing himself to pick it up and down it in one fell swoop, to blur the edges of the emotions coursing through him. “Thank you for offering encouragement, but you’d be wasting it on me. See, I’ve already been encouraged. Chrissy Price took an interest in helping me change. And it worked. For a little while.”

How disappointed Chrissy would be if she could see him now. Maybe she was watching him from heaven, had seen how he’d hurt her niece. Maybe it was better she wasn’t here to see how far he’d fallen from the person she’d wanted him to be.

“Change isn’t a one-and-done thing, son.”

How was the affection so much more apparent in Bud’s voice when he called him son compared with Evan’s own father?

Bud tugged at the end of his beard as he studied Evan with eyebrows drawn together. “It’s something that requires us to constantly be on our guard. Our old nature can easily come creeping back in if we aren’t careful. We have to use the resources we’ve been given to fight against the old us. And aside from faith, one of the greatest resources we have is the people who love us.”

“What happens when you betray the people who love you?” Did Madison love him? He’d never know now.

Evan’s lips shook as he lifted the glass of whiskey to them. He held it there, not tipping it back, just feeling the cold of the rim against his mouth. He longed to be numbed, not to feel this gnawing ache of failure in his chest anymore.

Yet he knew from experience that this wasn’t going to work.

Which somehow left him feeling even more hollow.

Evan slammed the glass back onto the counter, surprised it didn’t shatter into a thousand pieces at the force.

Bud placed a wrinkled hand on Evan’s forearm. “Real love forgives, son. Seventy times seven.”

“And what if I can’t forgive myself?” He raked a hand across his face, suddenly afraid that the tears building behind his eyes were going to come spilling out, embarrassing him even more than his little outburst already had.

“I learned a long time ago that often it’s ourselves we have the hardest time forgiving. But then I realized something—you have to redefine success and failure.”

“What do you mean?” He glanced up at Bud.

“We will always fail in life. That’s a given. But it’s the getting back up, the trying again, the trying to be better that defines success because it’s in those times we build character. You’ve failed, sure, but that doesn’t mean you’re destined forthislife.” He gestured around the bar, at the glass of whiskey on the counter. “Don’t stop fighting for what you want, and you will have taken one more step toward being the man you want to be.”

What did Evan really want? He’d thought it was respect, maybe even love from his father. But being respected by a man like him was actually the opposite of what he should be after.

Instead, he wanted to be able to look himself in the mirror.

And then, an idea bloomed—a way to prove to them all, but most of all to himself, that he was indeed one step closer to being who he longed to be.

Oh man. But what it would take . . .

“The biggest changes take the biggest leaps of faith. And the most courage.”Chrissy’s voice, her smile as she’d said the words, came back to him. They’d been sitting in her living room, Chrissy on the couch where she’d spent her last days, Evan in the recliner next to it. She’d just informed him that she’d decided to switch from fighting the illness to inviting hospice into her home.

Remembering how fiercely she’d fought, how fiercely she’d loved, he couldn’t help the tear that coursed down his cheek. Then he straightened and pushed the glass in front of him far out of reach.

If Chrissy could be brave in the face of death, then Evan could have courage as he attempted to die to himself—and his own fears.

And yeah, he couldn’t control the outcome or how anyone else reacted, but he could take the leap of faith, believing that doing it would make him a better man, whether or not he ever gained anyone else’s approval.

Chapter 15

Madison’s thumb hovered over the send icon. She read and reread the text to Evan.I’m back, and we need to talk. You free later tonight?

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