Page 116 of I Blame the Rival

My mission becomes more difficult when my search for a cup turns up empty. Hesitating by the sink, I’m debating whether I should just drink straight from the faucet when Mo shoots me an amused glance.

“Bottom right cupboard. Don’t be afraid to ask questions.”

“Oh. Right.” I clear my throat, bending down to open the right hiding spot, “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

Mo returns his attention to the computer in front of him but I can’t bring myself to leave the kitchen. Staring down at the glass in my hands, my thoughts stray back to the conversation with Skylar last night, and I can’t help but feel sad all over again.

Everyone makes it look so easy. Being in a relationship. Taking that intimate step with their partner. Nobody talks about the painful moments, the flood of self-consciousness that always comes with a lack of experience.

The frustrating part is I can’t tell if it’s because people don’t like talking about the ugly moments or if I am just the exception.

“Did you have another question?” Mo’s voice startles me, and I quickly look up to find him staring at me. I shake my head then pause, rethinking my answer.

“What was your first time having sex like?”

If he was surprised by my question, he doesn't show it. Thinking over the question carefully, Mo takes his time responding.

“I thought of it more as a milestone that needed to be checked off. The experience itself was fine, so I can’t say I put much value on it.”

“Right.” My shoulders slump with disappointment. Turning to walk back to the bedroom, I’m about to drown in a pool of self-pity when a throat clears behind me.

“It wasn’t until my second semester of university that I had sex with a guy for the first time.”

I pause, turning back around. Mo flicks his eyes at me, a ghost of a smile crossing his face.

“Scariest moment of my life.”

“You were scared?” Disbelief oozes through my tone as I stare at the man who holds the record number of varsity championship banners.

Mo nods, “Terrified. Thought I was going to pass out at one point.”

“No way.” Wandering closer, I pull out a barstool and sit down beside him, “Were you the bottom?”

“Of course not.”

The candid answer has my laughing and Mo shakes his head with a smile.

“That didn’t make it any better though. I knew that once I took that step, I could no longer label myself as straight.”

I frown, “But nobody knew you were bisexual until you and Nico started dating.”

“It’s not so much what other people think but what you think of yourself.” Mo tilts his head, his eyes finding mine, “The most powerful perspective is always your own. It has the ability to change, to adapt and rearrange to fit a new piece of your identity, but at the end of the day it’s up to you to make that change.”

I mull over his words, taking a moment to let them soak in.

“Was it a good experience? Your bi awakening?”

He grimaces, “Do not use that term on me again. That is the worst thing I have ever heard.”

“Sorry. It’s a book trope.”

He chuckles, “It’s fine. I wouldn’t say it was a bad experience, but looking back, I should have approached it differently.”

“Do you mind me asking how?”

“Well, to put it simply, I did it for selfish reasons. My mother had just died and I wanted to feel like I had control over one aspect of my life. I didn’t care about the guy I was doing it with, I couldn’t even tell you his name. It was a jump in the deep end without a second thought about his feelings or my own.”

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