Page 87 of I Blame the Alcohol

“Yes. Has Stella talked to you about this upcoming appointment?”

Shuffling breaks through the background and I picture Lou pacing the small space of her and Stella’s dorm.

“A little bit. She’s going to talk to someone about the accident that took her mother.”

A hint of relief hits me knowing that Lou is in the loop.

“Right. It’s going to be a rollercoaster of emotions for her today, so I was supposed to be her ride but the USport representative just showed up.”

As if on cue, my phone starts buzzing with team chat messages asking about my whereabouts. Now is not the time to be MIA.

“Oh, that’s no problem. You just need me to drop her off?

I exhale, “Please. If it were anyone but USport, I would blow them off.”

“I understand. And Stella will too. As captain, your team has to come first.”

I frown at Lou’s words, my stomach churning uneasily with the matter-of-fact way she said them. As if it’s perfectly normal for me to put a team meeting above the needs of my girlfriend.

How fucked up is that?

Lou pauses, as if sensing my rising distress, “I will let you know if anything happens. And if the team meeting runs long, just shoot me a text and I can pick her up as well.”

The grip on my phone loosens slightly, “Thank you, Lou.”

I take a second to collect myself as the frustrations of my relentless schedule and guilt of bailing on Stella threatens to overwhelm me.

The worst part about it all is that it’s my choice. I am the one who chose to take on the responsibility of being a varsity athlete, and I am the one who has yet to learn how to delegate. The meeting today was supposed to be a step in the right direction, a step towards facilitating the captain’s role as team leader, coach, and event planner.

But now, I'm not so sure I want the role of captain anymore.

Marching with the fury of Silverwood’s infamous lacrosse bully, I make my way towards the gymnasium where a stranger is going to tell me whether or not Taber got approved for the funding to bring on an assistant coach for next year’s season. It’s the epitome of my career as Taber’s lacrosse captain, but instead of thinking about the Tigers next season, I find myself wishing I could be driving my girlfriend to therapy.

Stella

I hate feeling vulnerable.

Okay, fine. I’m sure nobody enjoys being vulnerable, but for me it’s a whole different level. It’s a matter of ego, of course, but it’s also a matter of self-preservation.

Up until Cody Ellsworth, I had no trouble burying my insecurities from the world. Until that blonde fauxhawk marched into my life and dug up all those messy emotions, I was buzzing like a bee without a care in the world.

Am I still grieving my dead mother after two years? For sure.

Do I have a PTSD episode every morning? Sure, but I don’t mind waking up early.

To keep things neat and tidy, we have to compartmentalize. And sometimes that means pushing aside minor inconveniences that don’t always leave me feeling great. But according to Cody, that is me avoiding my problems.

He’s got a point, but it’s not completely accurate. You can’t avoid something if you simple choose not to address it.

Right?

“Do you want me to go in with you?” Lou squints out the windshield, assessing the nondescript white building in front of us. We’ve been parked outside my new therapist’s building for ten minutes now and I have yet to make a move to leave the car.

I shake my head, “Thank you, but I should probably do this alone. Just give me another minute.”

“It feels weird being in enemy territory, hey?”

I nod, glancing around Silverwood’s small downtown area. Taber’s biggest rival also happens to be the only town within a 100km radius that has an on-call therapist, so Lou and I had to venture across hostile borders so I can spill my deepest, darkest secrets to a stranger.

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