Page 87 of The Saint

My mother entered the room behind me. “Bastien, is everything okay?”

I stared at the picture a moment longer before I manned up and faced her.

She must have seen my crestfallen expression because she stepped forward and grabbed my arms. “Honey, what is it?”

I gently guided her hands away, unable to accept my mother’s love right now.

She grew more upset. “It’s natural to get cold feet. I felt the exact same way before my wedding. But just take a couple breaths?—”

“It’s not that.” Fleur was the only thing in my life I never had to doubt. But everyone else, including myself, was cast in the shadows of unease. The only doubt I possessed was wondering if I deserved her at all.

“Then what is it?”

I’d decided to keep this from her for years, said it was for her own good because she couldn’t handle this secret. But it was just an excuse to hide the truth, just an excuse to pretend to be something I wasn’t. I was always good to her, always took care of her, and I wondered if I’d done those things out of guilt rather than genuine desire. “Mom, there’s something I need to tell you.”

“Okay…I’m listening.”

“Let’s sit.” I moved to the seating area and dropped onto one of the couches.

Even though it was late, she was still dressed and in full makeup, like she didn’t allow herself to relax until she was about to put her head on the pillow.

Her hands were together in her lap, and she looked so scared that to an onlooker, they would assume I was there to kill her.

I suspected she wouldn’t come to the wedding tomorrow. I suspected we might never speak again. But I had to tell her. Had to come clean and accept the consequences of my actions. “Dad stopped by my apartment before he died.”

She stiffened when she heard what I said, her eyes big and round, like an owl in the dark. “He never told me that.”

Because he didn’t tell anybody.

“Did you two make up?—”

“No. We got into a fight. He told me he hadn’t wanted to have another kid, but you made him do it. Said I was a disappointment. Said he regretted having me.” That was the easier part to say because I’d accepted that cold, hard truth already.

“That’s not true, Bastien. He didn’t mean that.”

“It’s okay, Mom. Your love has been more than enough. It’s easily been the equivalent of two parents.”

Her eyes watered like that either hurt her…or meant the world to her.

“He said he wished he’d never had me, and I said I wished he was dead, and it turned into a fight. He reached for his gun but?—”

“Oh my god.” Her hands immediately cupped her mouth, and she choked back her sob. “Oh my god…”

I ignored her cries and continued on. “But I got it first, and I shot him.”

Her hands completely covered her face, and she sobbed, her chest heaving as she pictured the scene.

“I’m sorry.”

She wailed in the silence, wailed like he’d been shot in this very room.

I didn’t feel better, but at least I felt honorable. “I thought you deserved to know the truth.” I left the couch and headed out of the room, listening to her cry behind me, knowing I was a monster. I’d taken her husband away. I’d broken up her family. I was responsible for every bad thing that had happened.

“Bastien.” She stifled her sobs. “Wait.”

I halted but didn’t turn around, afraid of the look on her face, afraid of the slap coming my way.

“Bastien.” Her footsteps grew louder behind me.

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