Page 64 of The Saint

“But I can live without children.” I could live without a reality that I’d never had. Live without something that hadn’t come true. Because my love for Bastien and my life with him had completed me since the moment we’d met. “But I can’t live without you.”

He turned back to me, and just like that, all of his anger was gone. His stare had a depth he’d never shown before, visibly moved by what I said. There wasn’t a blink or hesitation in his stare. He looked at me for what felt like forever. “You don’t have to decide now. Perhaps in a few years, you’ll feel differently.”

Time had numbed my fear like an ice pack numbed a burn, but it was still there, haunting me like a ghost that continued to live in the attic. I would never forget the second before I was submerged, never forget the rawness of knowing I was going to die and it would be painful and horrible and dark…and there was nothing I could do to stop it. If I couldn’t say there was no chance that would happen to my child, then I was unfit to be a mother. And if I wasn’t willing to leave their father to give them a better life, then I definitely was unfit. “I won’t change my mind.” I accepted the loss of a different life, accepted a different path that I hadn’t expected to walk. But it felt right.

He studied me like the confidence in my stare wasn’t enough. “I expected to see your stuff packed up when I walked in. Expected to see your ring on my nightstand. Expected you to tell me it’s done.”

My eyes watered. “I’ve been a fucking mess since you left.” Lying in bed, waiting for him to come home, scared that I’d destroyed the best thing that had ever happened to me. “If death didn’t chase me away, then what could?”

He moved to his knees before me then swept up my hair with the way he cupped my face. He moved between my open knees as he held me, his callused thumbs catching the tears that rolled down my face. “Nothing—because nothing could chase me away either.”

15

BASTIEN

The second the food came, Luca hunched over his meal and scarfed down his pancakes.

We were out late, so late that by the time we were done, it was almost lunchtime. Breakfast food was perfectly agreeable to both of us. I was dead tired because work had become my life, and then I needed to give my woman the attention she deserved when I came home.

My bachelor days were behind me. I didn’t have my house to myself, didn’t watch the game with a decanter of scotch as my only company. Now, there were vases of flowers in the bathroom and the living room that hadn’t been there before. Sometimes when I opened my drawer to grab underwear, her thongs spilled over onto my side. Another nameless woman wouldn’t be in my bed. I wouldn’t leave cash on the nightstand for the whore who did her job.

But one single woman gave me more joy than all those things.

“How’s the wedding planning?” Luca asked.

“Ask Fleur.”

He took another enormous bite and needed several seconds to swallow it. “Do you know anything about it?”

“She wants to get married in Luxembourg Gardens then have the reception at the Four Seasons.”

“Then it sounds like a big wedding.”

“That’s what happens when you know the entire city.” I ate my eggs and bacon before my pancakes. Luca preferred to hit the sweets before the savory food.

“Is your mom helping her?”

“No, but I guess I should recommend that. They could get to know each other better.”

He nodded with a mouthful of food. “Double-edged sword. Your mom could start pressuring her into grandkids and all that horseshit.”

“Fleur and I aren’t having kids.”

“Really?” he asked. “Lucky you, man. Women are so obsessed with kids like there’s nothing more to life. Fleur is cool, so I guess that doesn’t surprise me.”

I debated telling him the truth. Should probably keep it to myself because it was my business, but I told the guy everything. “Actually, she wants kids, but only if I leave the business. I told her I wouldn’t do that, so she said she was fine not having them.”

That was surprising enough that it made Luca stop eating. “Just like that?”

“She said she’d rather live without children than live without me.”

He continued to look skeptical about the whole thing. “And you’re okay with that?”

“Why wouldn’t I be okay with it? That’s exactly what I want. I’ve never wanted kids. A long life with Fleur with nice dinners and warm nights in front of the fireplace and expensive trips is what I want.”

“But that’s whatyouwant. She wants that and more.”

“Relationships are about compromise. You can’t have it all.”

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