Page 51 of Conspiracies and Chemistry

“No. Stay and enjoy yourself.” I handed her my untouched cup of champagne. “I’ll find him.”

In the hall outside the lab, the beat of the music thudded through the floor. Fortunately, Dr. Perrell’s office was at the far end, where I hoped she wouldn’t hear it. With her twins’ weddings looming, she’d been more joyless than usual.

I jogged downstairs toward the game room and winced when I heard the tinny electronic music ofPac-Man.Oliver should’ve been celebrating with the team, not communing with Simon’s spirit. Simon had nothing to do with this victory. This was Oliver’s win, and mine, and the team’s.

As I approached the game room, I checked the burning feeling in my stomach. Although my period wasn’t due for a few weeks, it didn’t feel like that. It felt emotional. It couldn’t be jealousy, could it? I couldn’t possibly be jealous of a dead man.

As soon as I turned the corner and saw West’s back hunched over the console, not Oliver’s, the heaviness lifted. Goddammit, Iwasjealous of a dead man.

I’d have to process that later. “Hey, West,” I called.

Immediately, he turned. “Tessa! Did you want to play? I suck at this, so my game should be over in—” The unmistakable pulsing, falling tones of Pac-Man’s death interrupted him. “I guess it’s your turn now.” He plucked a token out of the bucket and held it out to me.

“Actually, I’m looking for…” Nope.

I would not admit I was looking for Oliver. I’d made him promise not to say anything about us to West, and I wasn’t about to blow our cover. I’d never let West know that although we were professionals in the lab, there was a Tessa-shaped indentation on Oliver’s couch. Or that we talked for a few minutes every night before bed. Or that he texted me a silly photo or meme each morning. This morning he’d sent me a picture of an adorable orange kitten glaring at the camera. He didn’t even know I had cats, but he said that one reminded him of me. My phone and that photo weighed in the pocket of my black blazer like incriminating evidence of my feelings.

“Oliver?” he prompted. His expression was neutral, not the knowing smirk I dreaded.

“Yes.” Heat spread from my cheeks, down my neck, and into my chest. My blazer was suddenly suffocatingly hot. Was this shame or one of the perimenopausal hot flashes Savannah and Carly were always talking about?

“Haven’t seen him. Have you checked his office?”

“No. I’ll try there. Thanks.”

“Oh, and Tessa?”

I’d already turned to leave, but I stopped, steeled myself, and turned back.

“I’m glad you’re settling in at Discovery. You seem happy here.”

“I am. I’m excited to come to the office every day. We do good work.”

“That’s excellent news,” he said. “You should love your work. You deserve happiness.”

“I…deserve it?” I echoed. How did he not know what I’d done? How I’d betrayed my employees the last time I’d fallen for someone? It wasn’t exactly public knowledge that I’d been sleeping with my number-two at Red Rover, but practically everyone we worked with knew or suspected. It was why I’d turned down every partnership and board position any man had offered me since. I couldn’t shake the fear that it came with expectations. Or that people would assume it did.

“Of course you do.” He shrugged. “Everyone should seek out what makes them happy.”

He’d said it so matter-of-factly, like it was one of my friend Lucie’s truths. But as I climbed the stairs toward Oliver’s office, I wondered. Did Oliver make me happy? Was that the feeling in my stomach when my phone buzzed every morning? Was that why I’d let Carly paint my nails in a light pink instead of the black polish I alwayschose? Was I…happy?

When I was in my twenties, I was excited. Striving. Energetic. I supposed I was happy. I’d never paused to examine my feelings.

In my thirties, I was broken. Sad. Repentant. I definitely wasn’t happy. If I was being honest, I was lonely.

Now, in my forties, I was trying to let go of the past and live in the moment. It was why I’d gone to that terrible seminar. I thought if I could find my power, I could make something of my life again. And even though the seminar was garbage, I’d met Carly, Lucie, and Savannah. They’d inspired me with their strength and hope. Maybe that seminar wasn’t the magic bullet I’d wanted, but it had set me on the road to a brighter future.

Still, happiness wasn’t anything I’d ever imagined for myself. I didn’t deserve it after the mistakes I’d made in my youth.

I paused in front of Oliver’s door. Could I have been wrong about that too?

I didn’t have the answer when I knocked.

“Yeah?” It was only one word, but after four months of working together, I could picture his expression when he said it. His voice was brusque, like he’d been thinking deeply about something but was too polite to ignore an interruption. He’d be running his hands through his hair until whatever product he used was gone, and it flopped over the rims of his glasses.

I turned the handle and walked in. The overhead light flicked on. He’d been sitting so still at his desk that the automatic light sensor assumed it was vacant.

When he tore his gaze from the screen, he didn’t smile. He pinched his lower lip between his thumb and his fist, and the line between his eyebrows had deepened into a ravine.

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