Page 40 of Zero Happily Ever Afters

Part of me wondered if Nico heard my answer. The fact was, I needed to relax because I certainly couldn’t pester Milo. He was too far and too busy. And I didn’t have time to sulk about my own shortcomings. I’d decided to ignore the vexing headache my telepathy brought at every turn.

An obsessive link to the love of my life. Check. Personas who think they know me better than I know me. Check. Evil persona hijacking my manifestation ability. Check. Several thousand visions I couldn’t contain from one tiny kiss. Check.

None of it mattered right now. I had work. I had students whose futures depended on my commitment. I resolved to focus on what I could control while training my telepathy to the best of my ability without allowing it to consume my every waking worried thought.

I organized practice packets at my desk between classes, preparing for the onslaught of aggravation I was about to endure.

Gael pouted, stepping into the classroom and staring at the agenda written across the board. “Testing, again?”

Shockingly, Gael had become my least exhausting student this week.

“Ba-ba-ba.”

“Ridiculous is right,” Gael muttered. “What happened to the importance of interviews? What happened to practicing for them?”

“We’ll be returning to the mock interviews soon.” Much to my dismay since Gael had walked through Jennifer’s questions unscathed. It turned out she couldn’t provoke or twist his anxiety because Gael held no shame. Not a trace ounce for her to manipulate on an emotional level. In fact, he’d left her more rattled from their last demonstration.

“Now we’re dropping everything for a dumb test that doesn’t even matter.”

I glared. It did matter. But it was dumb. And it was absurd that admin waited until the last minute to inform us that the Federally Accelerated Practicum testing dates had been changed. The state moved the important test up an entire month, which meant altering lesson plans to account for it. I didn’t care for the standardized bullshit, but this covered every subject, from the history of magic to how STEM subjects tied into casting to foundations of language and spell work. It was also the only test accredited by nearly every career field.

Guilds took the score into account. Colleges accepted this test as a substitute for the SAT or ACT. Even the military used these scores alongside their ASVAB.

The last of my homeroom coven shuffled inside as the bell rang.

“I hope you’re all ready for the Federally Accelerated Practicum practice test,” I said, burying their surface thoughts and ignoring the snickering. I hated this fucking test. I hated the name. I hated how much curriculum time it cut into to ensure students had enough opportunity to practice for the exhausting trick questions of the test.

And they were trick questions, poorly phrased and meant to confuse those who might infer two possible answers. I’d taken the test every single year since I became a teacher just so I could have an idea of what my students faced. My score jumped from top percentile to lowest failure to all over the map in the middle that it basically proved the morons elected to determine educational comprehension didn’t know the first goddamn thing about it.

“I am so ready to fap,” Gael shouted, the spikes across his arms and legs swelled with excitement momentarily.

I sighed. That was the other reason I hated this test and all the class time I spent ensuring students practiced for it. The jokes never ended.

“You say that now, but you better treat these practice faps seriously,” Jamius said with a snicker.

“Oh, definitely,” a copy cut in really quick, twinkle of mischief on his face. “You don’t wanna under-deliver when the real fapping begins.”

“I’m honestly tired of all the fapping practice,” Carter said, nudging Gael, who merely rolled his eyes and trudged to his seat with his familiar. “I just wanna fap now and relax.”

“How are you not excited to fap?” Melanie asked Gael. “Isn’t it like your favorite thing?”

“It’s too easy.” Gael groaned, having tired himself of the jokes after the first day I’d announced the upcoming FAP test. “Humor requires a level of sophistication mixed with crude undertones.”

Oh, how I hated this test name and the person in charge who didn’t realize the importance of giving the name an update to avoid all the fapping jokes. I’d honestly heard every single one of them over the years.

“The FAP test is so in your face,” Gael continued, gesturing crudely with a jerking motion, and then sighed. “There’s no challenge.”

“Aaah.” Gael tapped his forehead between the spikes in a knowing way, like he’d solved a mystery. “So, you don’t like it when people fap in your face? Here I thought—”

“We both know you’re the only Gael here who likes getting fapped in the face.” Gael made a twisted expression of entertained judgment as his rooster crowed.

Gael’s spikes shrank, and his cheeks burned brightly.

“That’s what you get for joking about the test like a twelve-year-old,” Kenzo said curtly, tossing a practice packet onto Gael’s desk.

Kenzo had additional reviewing materials outside of the ones I provided in class. Somehow, he’d convinced Gael’s parents to acquire them for him. The memory was fuzzy, but Kenzo held it with pride, the way he’d bonded over the importance of academics, the way he’d impressed Gael’s family, the way they found his rigorous study habits astounding—basically giving him a stamp of approval to drag Gael anywhere anytime to ensure he treated his coursework half as seriously as Kenzo. The memory fizzled away as swiftly as it’d appeared, and Kenzo scoffed as his boyfriend sheepishly hid his face behind the pages.

“It’s nothing to be embarrassed about.” Caleb looked up from his papers, completely unaware of the passing jokes. He showed off his practice tests, delighted by his scores and eager others had additional packets in preparation for the official FAP test, too. “I’m fapping right now.”

---