Page 15 of Claimed By the Mountain Man

By the time I made it to the kitchen, Cooper had the hangover concoction mixed up for me. It smelled horrible, like the ass end of a goat. And it didn't look much better. The thick liquid was dark brown in color, and were there chunks of something in it? Choking this stuff down was going to be more difficult than I initially thought. But I had to try. I was miserable. And I did not want to tackle the discussion I had to have with Cooper feeling like this.

Cooper sheepishly held out the glass to me and said, “Just hold your nose and down it like a shot. That’s how most people get through it. The good news is it works pretty fast. Then he handed me the glass with a muttered “Good luck.”

It was quite possibly the worst thing I had ever put in my mouth, and I gagged more than once. He wasn't kidding about it working fast, though. Ten minutes later, I actually felt like a normal human being again. So, I decided to take the bull by the horns and get this dreaded discussion with Cooper over with.

“You ready, Cooper?” I asked, sounding about as unenthusiastic as I felt. He nodded, and I motioned him back to the bedroom. Might as well at least be physically comfortable for this otherwise entirely uncomfortable discussion. This was not going to be easy. I hadn’t talked about this for a long time, and some of this I had never told anyone before.

Once we were settled onto the bed, I took one of Cooper's hands and held it in mine as I looked deep into his eyes. "Do you remember the photos at my house, the ones you were looking at when I came out to put on my boots?” He nodded. “I'm sure you were wondering who the little boy was and who the woman was in those photos. Well, the boy was my son, Jonah. And the woman was Claire, my wife.”

Cooper sprang from the bed in a flash, pacing back and forth, constantly squeezing and releasing his fists. “So, you’re married?” he asked in a low, almost emotionless voice that kind of scared me, honestly. “And you have a kid? And you never thought to mention any of this before?” His calm tone didn’t match his frenetic movements at all.

“I don’t talk about them much. It’s too painful.”

He looked incredulous at that answer. “It’s too painful? Okay, you’re really going to have to help me out here, Gage. Because I seriously cannot believe you’ve been hiding a secret family all this time. I don’t want to believe that, anyway. The kind of manwho could do that is so completely at odds with the man I’ve known you to be”.

I was really fucking this up. “I haven’t been hiding them… because they’re dead. And it’s my fault they died.”

Cooper halted his pacing, and to my utter shock, he crawled back into bed and enveloped me in a tight hug. I nearly lost it right there. I had no idea how much I really needed that hug right then.This incredible man… How is his heart so open after everything he’s been through?

He settled back down on the bed, taking my hand, and just said, “Talk. I promise I’ll listen.”

I cleared my throat, trying to swallow down the thick ball of emotion. “For you to truly understand, I have to go pretty far back to when I was in middle school, although it was really an ultra-exclusive prep school. I knew early on that I was different from most of my male friends. I didn't lust after the girls like they did or make crude jokes about the girls. But I did notice the boys. Now, most of the boys I noticed were athletic and fit, and I was into sports. So, I told myself I was just admiring their athletic prowess, and that was all it was. But it became clear to me pretty quickly that it was more than that when I accidentally caught a glimpse of my best friend in the shower, and I got an erection. I was so embarrassed and so ashamed that I avoided him for a couple of weeks. I felt awful about doing it, because he didn't understand why I had ghosted him. But it turned out that he was curious about boys too. And he had actually known that I was there when he was in the shower and had kind of put on a show for me.”

“Whoa, so that’s the difference between a regular school and an ultra-exclusive prep school, huh? Because I can tell you beyond ashadow of a doubt that there were no boys putting on shows for me in our school’s gym showers.” I appreciated Cooper trying to lighten the mood a bit. I gave him a small smile and continued.

“So we started dating, for lack of a better term. It was all on the down-low. We didn't tell anyone because we were both just trying to figure out who we were at that point and what we wanted. We hung out at each other’s houses, and we fooled around—nothing too hardcore. No clothes ever came off, but hands did go down pants occasionally. We basically just got each other off with hand jobs. It all came crashing down one day when he was at my house, and we were fooling around in my room. I had closed the door but I had forgotten to lock it, and my father caught us. He was outraged. And more than anything else, I think he was embarrassed by me. My family was ultra-conservative and were devout Catholics. My father sat me down and told me in no uncertain terms that what I was doing was a sin, that I was sinful, and that this would kill my mother if she ever found out. He forced me to cut that relationship off completely. I wasn’t even allowed to be friends with him anymore.”

Cooper squeezed my hand. He still hadn’t let go of it, and I appreciated it so much. “Oh, Gage. I’m so sorry. That had to be awful for you.”

I held on to Cooper’s hand even tighter to get through the rest of my story since the worst was definitely yet to come. “Turns out, it was easy to end that relationship, because he disappeared from school. I found out much later that my father had gotten his scholarship revoked. He said my friend had violated the morality clause in his scholarship by being with me. One day he was there, and the next, he was just gone. My father told me it was time to start acting like a man, to start going out with girls.And I had a feeling he would make my life a living hell if I didn't obey him, so that's exactly what I did. I put on a mask, and I did what was expected of me. And I died a little inside everyday. I wore that mask up until I moved here.”

Before I knew it, Cooper was hugging me again. When someone was in need of comfort, he just couldn’t help himself. He was such a good person, and he just really wanted to make other people feel better. This one was a quick hug, though, and he sat back down on the bed, watching me intently and nodded for me to continue… so I did.

“So, I just continued to do what I was expected to do. I dated girls. I finished high school, then went to college, then straight on to law school. I passed the bar with flying colors and immediately joined my father's firm as a trial attorney. As I told you before, I was a defense attorney, and, I wound up defending absolutely despicable people. But they were obscenely rich despicable people, which was all that mattered to my father. And I was good at what I did—I liked to win—and I got those despicable people acquitted. I put them back on the streets, and I felt horrible about it. Every one of those acquittals left a black stain on my heart that I had to carry around. But I did it, because I just couldn’t see another option at the time. Obeying my father and trying to be the perfect son was just so ingrained in me by then, it didn’t even occur to me to challenge it. How pathetic is that?”

Tears were already gathering in my eyes and this was the absolute least of the horror still to come. Cooper grabbed my other hand, then brought both to his mouth and kissed them. “It’s not pathetic at all, Gage. They were your family. Of course you wanted to please them and for them to accept you. We all do what we have to do to get by until we reach a point where we justcan’t anymore. It’s hard to admit a family dynamic is toxic for you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing. Do you hear me?”

I nodded, but I knew my true shame had yet to be divulged. I wondered if he’d still feel the same then.God, I hoped so.I had to keep going, as much as I hated to do it. So, I kept both of Cooper’s hands in mine and went on. “Shortly after joining my dad's firm, we got the awful news that my mom was sick. She was diagnosed with ALS, Lou Gehrig's disease. We found out about it pretty early in the disease progression, so in the beginning, it wasn't too bad. She was still able to function pretty much like she had before the diagnosis. But she started declining rapidly, much more rapidly than was normal for the typical progression of the disease. And when she got to the point that she could see her time was truly limited, she called me to her and told me that her dying wish was to see me settled, happy and in love, with a family of my own. She desperately wanted a grandchild, and she wanted to meet that grandchild before she died. How could I say no to that? Of course, she didn't know I was gay. She thought I was straight, and I didn't do anything to correct that assumption. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I still held on to my father’s statement that my being gay would kill my mother if she ever found out. And she was already so sick that I couldn't take the chance this might just push her over the edge. So I kept it to myself, and I came up with a plan to give my mother exactly what she wanted before she died.”

“Did you have any good friends at that time? Anyone at all that you could confide in?” Cooper asked me with a profound sadness in his voice.

“I had a friend at the time, a woman named Claire. I confided in her about most things, but not about my sexuality. I hadn’teven truly accepted it myself. How could I expect her to? I knew deep down I was gay, but I did my level best to convince myself I was bisexual. Because in my messed up mind, that was somehow more acceptable than being gay. Not that I told anyone I was bisexual either, soi don’t know why I thought it even mattered. But, believe it or not, I really did trust Claire… with everything but my sexuality. She was single, as well, and we both knew that we wanted to have a family at some point. And she already knew my mother because our families were friends. My mom knew Claire and liked her, so we devised a plan to get married and have a child. We got married with the understanding that it was truly a marriage of convenience even though we did have sex, but that was solely to conceive a child.”

I had been looking down for most of this discussion, afraid to meet Cooper’s eyes most of the time. I hazarded a glance at him then just to try to get a read on him. And when my eyes met his, I saw nothing but compassion, and it gave me the strength to continue.

“I wanted to do in vitro for the pregnancy, but Claire wouldn't have it. She wanted to conceive a child the old-fashioned way, so I forced myself to have sex with her. Looking back, I guess Claire’s insistence on having actual sex really should have been a red flag, but I didn’t recognize it as such at the time. I was, honestly, just so grateful that she was willing to do this for my mom at all. I guess I didn’t want to rock the boat. Luckily, though, we got pregnant quickly. Claire had an easy pregnancy, and then my son, Jonah, was born. And he was the light of my life. I never knew you could feel that kind of instant, all-encompassing love for another person. But I felt it the moment I looked at him, as soon as he was born. I felt that way then, and I feel that way still… even though he’s no longer here. Everything would have been worth it just to have that little boy in my life.”

“Of course it would have been. I know there’s more to come in your story, and I can see you’re nervous about telling me. But, I promise I’m not going to judge you, Gage. I just want to be here for you, okay?” I nodded, praying he would still feel the same at the end of this sordid tale.

“My mom passed away about six months after Jonah was born. I felt good that I could make her dying wish come true, even if it was based on a lie. But the love we all had for Jonah, that was real. That little boy was so loved, Cooper. Claire and I were not doing well in our marriage, though. We were both miserable with the exception of parenting Jonah. We both loved him, and I believe we were good parents to him. We co-parented well; we were good at being parents, just not so good at being married. And I was growing more and more frustrated with basically every area of my life. I didn't want to be a trial lawyer any longer. I wanted to do something I enjoyed, and I was tired of pretending to be straight with Claire. It wasn't fair to her, it wasn't fair to me, and it wasn't fair to Jonah. I started talking to men on a romantic level. I never cheated. I never had sex with a man, but I did have what could be termed an emotional affair with one man. And it was enough to let me know that the life I was living at that point was just not enough for me anymore.”

I took a deep, shaky breath, knowing this last bit would be the hardest for me to get through. I needed a little push to get through it, a little more strength, so I threw my arms around Cooper in a bear hug and prayed he’d hug me back. He did, and I nearly cried with relief. I slowly let him go and letting out a slow breath, I launched back into the story of the worst night of my life. “Claire and I hung on for a few more years together after my mom died, mainly for Jonah’s sake. And because neither of us could stand the thought of only getting to see him on a part-time basis. We really tried to make our marriage work, such as it was.

I huffed a quiet laugh, though there was nothing funny about it. “But one night—I remember it was storming so badly that night—I finally sat Claire down, and I told her I was gay, and that I was miserable in our marriage. I told her that I loved her, but I was notinlove with her. I could never be in love with her, and it wasn't fair for either of us to stay in this marriage and miss out on a chance at a real love.

I ran a hand through my hair, exhaling sharply. “I thought I was doing the right thing. But Claire—she lost it. I expected shock, maybe even hurt. But anger? That blindsided me.”

I glanced at Cody, gauging his expression before I went on. “She told me she felt betrayed. That she’d been in love with me for years. That when she married me, she thought I’d eventually love her back.

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