Page 16 of Claimed By the Mountain Man

I rubbed my palm against my thigh, trying to shake off the memory. "Inever promised her love. I told her exactly what our marriage was. But still… she expected it. And because I never told her I was gay, she held on to that expectation, not realizing it was impossible.

My stomach twisted. There was a part of the story I’d never spoken aloud. “I didn’t tell her I spent years trying to convince myself I was bisexual. That the sex we had was actually what convinced me once and for all that I was truly 100% gay, not bisexual. As furious as she already was, I wasn’t about to tell her that.”

Cooper laughed a little at that. “Yeah, good call on that, I’d say. That may have been your truth, but something tells me she wouldn’t have wanted to hear it. And even worse, she probably would have seized on the whole bisexual thing and used that as a means to keep her delusion of a real marriage with you alive.”

“You know, I never even considered that, but you’re probably right. In the end, Claire still pretty much just lost her freaking mind. She flew into a rage and physically attacked me. Told me she was leaving, and she was taking Jonah with her. That stopped my heart. The storm was so bad, and there was flooding everywhere. I begged her to please just wait until the morning to leave or at least wait for the storm to break before she left. When she refused to do that, I tried appealing to her to just please leave Jonah at home, where it was safe. I didn't want him in the car in that weather, but it was as if she couldn’t even hear me. She was too angry to listen to reason, and for that alone, Jonah shouldn’t have been in the car with her. She shouldn’t have been driving in that state, period. But I felt so bad for the pain I had caused her that I backed off and let her go. I let her take my son out into that storm and drive him to God knows where. I’d had no idea where they were going—she wouldn’t tell me—but they left. She took him, my baby boy, then she lost control of her car, and they went off a bridge. They both died that night, and my heart died right along with them.”

I could barely breathe at that point. I had never hyperventilated in my life, but I truly felt on the verge of it right then. The tears were building in my eyes to the point that it was becoming difficult to see. But I had one last piece of this fucked up puzzle to share with Cooper, and that was my guilt.

“It’s my fault they’re dead, Cooper. If I hadn't upset her like that, she wouldn't have left. She wouldn't have taken my son, and they would both still be alive. Or if I’d been stronger somehow and not let her and Jonah go that night. Or hell, if I had just been honest with her from the beginning, maybe she would have still married me, because we did both want a family. Then at least she might not have felt such a powerful sense of betrayal. It was my lies that forced her out into the storm that night. But I wasselfish. I wanted an authentic life for myself. And I got it. But I paid a heavy price for it, because I lost my son and I lost my best friend. Yesterday was the anniversary of their deaths, and it is the one day of the year that I drink myself to the point of blacking out so I can forget. That’s what was happening last night.” Exhausted now, I slumped back down on the bed.

I looked over at Cooper and there were tears streaming down his face—tears for Jonah, tears for Claire, and tears for me. His heart was just so big, it amazed me. I had already been crying, but when I saw that my story had broken Cooper, I really lost it and started sobbing uncontrollably. Wordlessly, we gravitated toward each other. Then, we just held on to one another and cried for a long time.

When we finally separated, Cooper put both of his palms on my cheeks, and said, “I want you to listen to me, Gage. Like, really listen. Their deaths were not your fault. It wasn’t even really your fault she was upset. You were open and honest with her about what your marriage was and what it was not. It’s not on you if she made up a fantasy in her head about a happily-ever-after with you and then got upset when it wasn’t a possibility. You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re allowed to live your life as you see fit, to do what makes you happy, and to be with whoever makes you happy. Please stop carrying this guilt around. It was never yours to carry in the first place. Claire made her own choices, and she made a bad one that night because she was upset. I know you don’t want to hear it because you’ve believed yourself to be the villain in your own story for so long, but if there’s any fault to be placed here, it should be laid at Claire’s feet, not yours. Please let it go. You’ve punished yourself long enough for something that was not your fault, something that was a tragic accident. Let that guilt go, Gage. It’s time.”

I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t believe Cooper just went to bat for me like that. He was so passionate in his defense of me that I almost believed he was right. I wanted to believe him so badly. I stared into his eyes for a long moment—those beautiful gold-flecked espresso eyes—and I just knew. I knew I was in love with this man. But I also knew I didn't deserve him. But I was still just selfish enough to take him as mine, to claim him, if only he would let me.

TEN

CODY

Three months later…

Gage and I had come to somewhat of an understanding after he told me about his family dying. He agreed not to talk bad about himself—like saying he isn’t worthy of love—or to talk about the tragedy of Claire’s and Jonah’s deaths being his fault. Because they weren’t. Theytrulywere not his fault, but I’m not sure he’s really come to believe that just yet. He was still clinging to that guilt a little bit. He’s done it for so long, it’s just a habit now. But at least if he’s not repeating it out loud, his subconscious won’t be constantly taking in that affirmation as if it were fact. We’ve had to take baby steps in relation to this, but I’m confident he’ll get there someday soon.

Today, we were going to hike up to the fire lookout tower again. Gage was going forward with becoming a volunteer fire lookout, and I’d already begun his training. Of course, he picked everything up very quickly. He’s so intelligent, and when he’s really motivated about something, look out! I wasn’t really sure, to be honest, why we were training again today. He’d already perfected everything I’d taught him so far, but he said hehad some further questions. So, we were making the trek up there this afternoon. Even though I didn’t really understand the purpose of the trip, I would never turn down alone time with Gage, especially surrounded by that spectacular view.

Things have been going well with Gage. We had officially begun dating, even though I knew the thought of that still scared him to death. As we’d been taking baby steps to work through his past trauma, we’d also been taking baby steps in our relationship. I honestly don’t mind it, though, most of the time. We’d been making out like horny teenagers afraid their parents would come home any moment—meaning we haven’t actually gotten naked together. And I really wanted to. The vision of him shirtless was still burned into my memory. But I would very much like to see that particular show live, maybe with an x-rated version featuring a pants-less Gage. Honestly, I’d imagined it so many times. But I was sure the reality would blow my imagination out of the water. I wasn’t sure what kind of sign Gage was waiting to see to let him know we’re ready to move on to the next stage, but I really hope he sees it soon. I wanted my mountain man to grab me and take me and claim me. And I wouldn’t even mind being thrown up onto his shoulder fireman-style and being carried off to his cabin for him to have his wicked way with me.Oh, yeah. I think I would like that very much. I might have to drop a not-so-subtle hint about that.

My lovely Mountain Man Gage fantasies were rudely interrupted by the sound of Pop’s voice behind me.

“Wake up there, Sunny! You’re catching flies again, just leaning over the counter on your elbows with your mouth hanging wide open and drool catching in the corners. Good thing your beau isn’t here, because that is not an attractive look, trust me.”

“Yeah, Pop, I got it. No need to drive the point home quite so brutally, though. I admit it, I was daydreaming about Gage. Can you blame me?” I said, dreamily.

“Not my type, kiddo. But, speaking of Gage, aren’t you meant to be meeting him right about now?”

I checked the time on my phone.Crap! I was late!Guess I’d lost track of time while I was fantasizing about my sexy mountain man. “Thanks for the reminder, Pop. Gotta go!”

“Be careful,” Pop said. “Don’t go into daydreaming-and-catching-flies mode on the trail or you’re liable to fantasize yourself right off the side of the mountain.”

I ignored his little joke and just waved my hand at him, but I could still hear him cackling as the door to the bar swung closed. I guess, who needs other people to laugh at your jokes when you can just crack yourself up?Never change, Pop!

EPILOGUE

GAGE

Three months later…

Where the hell was he? Cooper was hardly ever late. And today of all days, he was late, when I’ve got a freshly-prepared piping-hot Italian feast waiting for him. I can’t wait for him to see the dessert. He’s gonna flip! Assuming he ever gets here, that is. Of course, he does have to make that hike, though. I, on the other hand, just hitched a ride with the helicopter that brought all of these items up here for me to create the perfect date night for Cooper. When I found out he reads those spicy romance novels, I did a little research.

I’ve pulled ideas from various books to set this up for him. I can’t give him tentacles (Seriously! What the fuck?), but I can give him an over-the-top romantic dinner followed by some open-air dancing. I’ve got this place decked out with tulle strung across the rafters and fairy lights draped everywhere along with some scented candles to round out the look. There’s a fabric-covered table with a centerpiece of candles and floating rose displays that’s already set to serve a romantic dinner for two.

Then, after the dinner and dancing, I’ve got a tent made specifically for glamping set up behind the tower where we can spend the night if we want, or we could just enjoy it for a few hours and go home to sleep in our own comfy beds. I had to say, the bed in the tent looked really inviting. I know I had insisted on us taking this relationship slow while I worked through my issues, but I think it’s time to up the speed a little bit… or a lot. I’d leave it up to him, but I was ready for anything he wanted to do. I turned my head around to view the area again just to ensure everything was perfect. And, it was. Even if I had to say so myself, this place turned out damned good! Did I know how to romance my man or what? Just needed the man now.Come the fuck on, Cooper!

Just as I thought that, I heard him clomping his way up the trail. I’d know that heavy step anywhere. I was sure he must have possessed some sort of stealth when he was a Ranger, but it had definitely fallen by the wayside now, because the man sounded like an elephant stomping through the forest. A few more moments passed as I listened to his footfalls before I saw the top of his curly blond head appear as he got closer. His hair had grown out really quickly from the military cut he was still sort of sporting when I met him. He looked sexy either way, but I loved his curls. I loved to grab onto them when we’re kissing.And holy hell! Can that man kiss!If I’d known he could kiss like that, I wouldn’t have had any hope of resisting him. It was just a futile effort as it turns out, anyway. As I turned my attention back to the trail, Cooper appeared in all his glory, not even breathing hard or breaking a sweat, smiling widely at me, that sexy dimple popping out just for me.

“Hey gorgeous boy! Fancy meeting you here,” I called out to him.

---