Page 65 of Reign of the Beast

“I wouldn’t say that.Experimentingis a great tool for growth and opening yourself up to things you would otherwise keep the door closed to. But I do think you are overlooking the foremost issue that impacts your magic usage.”

I shifted my weight uneasily, trying to resist my instinctual urge to shut him down or even bite his head off at being questioned.

It was a go-to defensive tactic that I’d had as long as I could remember.

And Lucian brought it out in me more than either of the other two. With all of my recent self-reflection, I had managed to figure out why.

As much as I hated to admit it to myself, let alone to him or anybody else, Lucian Black intimidated me sexually. He was an indomitable force in that department. Just a look from him affected me. The desire was there, but I couldn’t bring myself to act on it. I was worried he’d run right over me, leaving me as nothing but a messy puddle begging him for whatever pleasure he deigned to hand over to me. I couldn’t submit like that. I couldn’t kneel, not to anybody, not under any circumstances.

But the man had skills and I feared that I’d succumb despite myself, that I wouldn’t be able to handle it with my stark inexperience.

Jaxon should have posed the same issue to me. And I guess he had very briefly. But the connection between us as mates transcended that somehow. It put me at ease knowing that his intentions were noble. They had to be, nature wouldn’t have it any other way. It had made me comfortable enough to be able to let go, to lose myself in him, and taste true sexual freedom. I’d actually been wild with him.

Ryker was a different story. Wild hadn’t been our thingwhen we’d been together. He was my best friend as well as my lover. We’d been safe, loved, and cherished in each other.

But I had to find a way to drop my guard with Lucian too and allow him in. Jaxon and Ryker each had a special connection with me already. To join, all three of them had to share a connection with me.

So, I swallowed down my irritation at him questioning me, and said, “I’m listening.”

“You have a tight-fisted grip of control over every aspect of your life, including your magic. Unfortunately, as is the nature of life, not every aspectcanbe controlled. When you come up against that, you balk. You’re not equipped to handle it. You have never allowed yourself to learn.” He moved closer. “Ryker may not have been like that with his magic, but he was when it came to his sexuality and his true desires. Magic-wielders as a species are known for struggling with control. Your kind wields great power and the fear of that power becoming corrupted and untamable goes hand in hand with that. With practice, however, these things can be streamlined. The struggle will lessen, the burden will feel a great deal lighter.”

“Is that what it’s like with your bloodlust?”

“Yes.” He reached out and took my hand. I tensed and he noticed, but he didn’t call me on it.

Softly, he traced his fingers over my palm, sending sparks of sensation thrumming through me as he drew leisurely circles with feather-light pressure.God.

“Your father cut you off from so much in his bid to protect you and hide your true heritage. You haven’t explored who you are, or what it even means to be an Immortal Descendant. Your work as a Guardian was the only aspect of your life allowed open to you. Now, in such a short frame of time, the doors have been thrown wideopen. Your fear took the wheel, however, and you turned away from the new and unknown, including the dark power that you touched during the Maven Coven battle.”

“I’m not turning away now.”

“You’ve come a long way. Allowing Jaxon to take you is a testament to that.” He reached out and slid a hand into my hair. “However, the mating bond offers a safety net through your interactions with him. Your friendship with Ryker acts in much the same way.” He pulled away. “You and I do not possess that and it is why you continue to turn away fromme.”

I nodded, my throat dry as sandpaper.

“It’s not a lost cause. Like I said, Ryker was repressed and in a deep state of denial when he first came to me. I’ve helped him to explore his needs, wants, and desires. He’s found his true self and thrown off the shackles that had him merely playing a role that didn’t fit correctly for too many years. He’s helped me too.”

I cocked an eyebrow. “Ryker helped you? The almighty, infallible Ancient, Lucian Black?”

Amusement danced in his eyes. “Indeed.” His expression became sober and thoughtful in the next beat, as he told me, “After the regrettable incident wherein I became a rabid beast when the scent of your Immortal blood was unveiled, I was afraid of losing myself to it wholly, of not only being unable to be anywhere near you, but not being able to be around anyone, even my beloved. It was a crisis of faith, a stumbling block that called to long-held, deep-set fears and insecurities that I never let myself address. Ryker helped me to see beyond that, to trust in myself, to shore up my mental strength.”

I stared at him in open-mouthed wonder. “I… wow.”

He frowned at my stunned reaction. “Too much?”

“No,” I said, shaking my head vehemently, not wantinghim to take it like that. “I just… I didn’t think you had… insecurities.”

“As you get to know me, I’m sure you’ll be horrified,” he said, with a laugh.

That had me laughing too.

And it really helped to take the edge off.

It occurred to me that it had been his intention.

He was shifting the power dynamic between us, softening things for me, trying to put me at ease.

It was unbelievably endearing.

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