Page 274 of The Sins of Silas

Merrick scoffed. “Good luck with that. She ran off somewhere in this temple.”

I found Era twenty minutes later, her knees to her chest as she sat against the wall in one of the corridors.

“I don’t want to talk,” she said quietly, brown eyes glued to her lap.

“Era…” I slid down beside her, sighing as I leaned my head back against the wall. “I have messed up so much. I’m sorry you were in the crossfire of all my poor decisions.”

She scoffed, and I angled my head toward her. “Why didn’t you leave me behind?” she asked, setting her hands on the ground. “Why didn’t you dispose of me before we left the fort?”

“Dispose of you?” I shook my head. “Believe me or not, I love you, Era.”

She let out a dry laugh, and I reached my hand down to hold hers. “I didn’t know how to feel once Lena was back in my life. She was my first love—”

“Yeah, I saw everything, remember?”

“You saw snippets, yes. But none did justice to how close she and I were.” I sighed. “I would’ve never left you behind, one, because I love you, and two, because I didn’t know what the King would have done to you. I wanted you safe.”

“Yeah, this journey has been real fucking safe. Great job, Your Highness.”

My hand still remained on top of hers. “I know I’m not the good guy in this situation, Era. I was unfaithful to you.”

Something in her eyes flicked, something I couldn’t place.

“Even before you cheated, you weren’t a good husband,” she whispered.

“I know.” I ran my thumb along the backside of her hand. “You deserved better than me this entire time.”

“It’s not like we were in love when we married,” she said, tears spilling down her cheeks. “I knew that. But I had thought,‘If he got to know me, then perhaps he’d love me,’but your heart…it already had belonged to another.”

“You have done nothing wrong. You’ve been a perfect wife,” I insisted.

She shook her head, her frown deepening as she snatched her hand away and rested her head and arms against her raised knees.

“Truly, Era. I just…everything I have gone through has fucked with my head.” I tucked my hands in my lap. “I didn’t want to feel what I felt with Lena ever again. I didn’t desire that level of closeness. Because I remembered what it felt like to lose it.”

A few quiet moments passed. “What happened to your back?” she asked quietly. After a moment of silence, she raised her head, brown eyes unrelenting. “Tell me what happened to you, Silas.”

My heartbeat quickened, and I raised my legs to rest my elbows on my knees. “The King had me beaten anytime I showed emotion when it came to killing. Any time I showed compassion, or empathy, or fear. He had me tortured for months.”

“And…you felt it worked?”

I inhaled, then exhaled. “I didn’t lose my humanity until he had me raped as punishment.”

Her eyes flared, her legs sinking back down to the floor.

“He had three men he'd kept as prisoners do it. Every week for months straight.” Hard as it was, I kept her eye contact. “I lost myself, Era. I…I wasn’t always this way. I used to be adecent man.” I swallowed at the sight of her glossy eyes. “I think if that had never happened to me…I think I may have been able to love you how you deserved. I think I could’ve been open, could’ve told you about my past. Could’ve moved on.

“But it was like the real me, the Silas who existed before all the death, the torture, the rape…” I chewed on my lip. “I buried him so deep I wasn’t sure he existed anymore.”

“And then you saw her,” Era said quietly.

I nodded, my fingers drumming against the ground. “And it was like these versions of me were battling. The real me wanted back out. But it hurt…being him hurts…”

I couldn’t stop the tears from spilling from my eyes, and my stare fell to the ground, feeling pathetic for it.

It was Era who now placed a hand atop mine. “I’m so sorry you went through that.”

“I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I lied. You deserved so much more. You deserved to have had the real me.” I gave her a small smile. “I think you would’ve liked him.”

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