Page 231 of The Sins of Silas

I nodded. “Yes,” I breathed. “I do.”

“I heard your voice telling me that. Over and over and over again. I willed myself not to react. To go elsewhere. No matter what they were doing to me or having me do to them. I had to have repeated it hundreds of times, thousands.

“When they were done with me, when my father returned, I was lying in the bed, expressionless. All he said was,‘Well done,’and left.” Silas let out a broken laugh, more tears spilling down his face. “I thought I would break down, cry tears of joy that I had finally done it. But I feltnothing.” His guilt-ridden eyes roamed over me. “I realized that even though I had done what he had asked, and your words guided me through it, I did, in fact, break.” His face crumpled. “I lost my fucking soul in the process.”

I was sobbing silently, now holding his hands in mine.

“That’s why when you were violated under my authority…” A muffled sob broke free of him, and he shook his head. “The thought ofyougoing through that…Gods, I had never felt so angry in my entire life.”

“You saved me,” I reminded him gently.

His face became pained. “It was my fault you were in that position.”

I went to protest, but Silas continued his story.

“Once my emotions had successfully been turned off, I found each of those men. I enjoyed killing them. I took my time and strung their lives on for hours before I finally ended them for good.” His jaw feathered as he recalled those memories. “After that, I began to kill effortlessly, intent on eradicating the people I thought responsible for killing my mother and you. Killing became…enjoyable to me.

“I didn’t have sex for months after that all happened, but once I did…” He exhaled, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. “I fucked so many women, Lena. Multiple at one time. So many that I couldn't even give you a number. The sex was a wonderful distraction. But I was always left feeling empty afterward. Same with the killing. But that is all I have known for the last five years, is fucking emptiness.”

His eyes lifted to mine. “The only time I felt any desire for a man was with Roland, and really, I think it was because of my loneliness. I have never stared at a man and felt aroused, especially after what happened to me.”

He took his free hand and cupped my face. “But that’s why I had no fucking right making you feel gross or dirty for what little you’ve done. Even if it wasn’t a little, even if it was as much as I’ddone, I wouldneverthink less of you for that.” His pained eyes held mine. “I never meant any of it. I just wanted to hurt you—to push you away.”

“I really felt like damaged goods after all that, but not because of what you said. I just felt it in general,” I replied softly. “Please don't feel bad for what you said.”

“Damaged goods?” He frowned, his hand caressing my cheek. “You aren’t an object. You aren’t any less of a prize because you’ve found pleasure in others. Your value doesn’t lessen.” His golden eyes flitted downward. “If that were the case, then I’d be worthless,” he said quietly.

“You are worth everything,” I whispered sincerely, bringing the hand of his I held up to my lips and giving it a kiss.

His eyes met mine, and his hand slid back, his fingers lacing through my hair. “Youare worth everything. Worth more than all the gold in Tovagoth, all the gems and jewels in every royal chamber, worth more than all the paintings and artifacts in the temples.” He pressed his lips to my forehead. “Priceless, Lena,” he whispered. “You are priceless. That will never change.”

He sniffed again, pulling his lips away. “Crying over Saoirse’s body…that was the first time I have cried in years. And Gods, there were moments I wanted to. But my body wouldn’t let me.”

“I’m…I’m so sorry, Silas. I should have been there…I should have been there...”

His broken smile killed me. “When I first saw you were alive, I was so, so angry. I was furious that I had suffered so much and even angrier that it was your choice to leave without telling me. Even though I understood why.” He wiped away my tears. “Not only was it never your fault, but in fact, I’m so grateful you left. Because if my father would have found out about you, and he would have,he would have tortured and killed you…and would’ve made me watch. And Ineverwould have recovered from that. Ever.”

I leaned forward, kissing the tears off his cheeks. His eyes shut, a soft sigh releasing from his lips.

“I am so sorry I was ever upset with you. I had no right,” I apologized.

“Never be sorry to me, ever again,” he insisted, then drifted his gaze toward the ground. “I was a much better man with you in my life,” he said quietly. “But that’s why I hide my back. I’ve just told Era not to ask about it, and she has listened. I never wanted anyone to ask or show me pity. Be reminded of it. I’m just so ashamed of it all.”

“You have nothing to be ashamed of, Silas. You did what you had to in order tosurvive. The person who should be ashamed is your father.”

He just shook his head.

“I failed you, Lena. I failed my kingdom. Myself…my mother…” His lip wobbled. “You were right when you said my mother would be horrified to see me like this.”

“Silas,” I cried as I held his face. “You havenotfailed. Look at where we are and what you have sacrificed to do the right thing.”

His face crumpled. “You must be so disappointed in me,” he cried softly. "I am so ashamed of who I have become.”

“Quill,” I whispered as I went to sit on his lap, my legs on either side of him. “I have loved you since the first day I met you,” I said with tenderness, his eyes filling with more tears. “And I will love you forever. No matter what, don’t you understand that?”

He snaked his arms around my waist. “No, I do not. I don’t understand how anyone could love me after all that.”

I stroked his cheek and kissed his forehead, pulling back to stare into his eyes again.

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